9 year old prayer, not answered.
Circling between never answered and yet to be answered. A zillion tear drops could not melt hearts, never did , never would. The Gods, the humans, the destiny writers, the city.
So bye bye Kollolini.
Praan bhorti obhimaan niye, bidaay
Or would you just stay back for that one phuchka after the giant wheel at the fair and move forward in time?
Found this beautiful cute song talking of Bhalobasha bashi pachhena so why not just Pashapashi hatbo, for a while!
Bangla is so beautiful you see? I could not even translate the words in the truest essence!
Listen over for the lyrics and not the singing
Listen over for the beauty that Bangla known and mostly unknown songs are
তুই হতে চাস এক ক্যানভাস
তুই দাগ চাস তাতে স্পষ্ট
আমি জানব না তোর প্রেমিকার কথা
কাকে নিয়ে তোর কস্ট।
Processing grief leaves you hollow and full.
It took me more than 48hours to process let alone accept something that's unreal in all versions of reality.
Many versions many stories later, a constant replay of many memories later, crazy scrolling through insta handle later, it is still unreal. Like a nightmare which would be over.
Words are failing me. Acceptance has not set in. Have never known about a fitting farewell.
Rest in Power and abundance of Peace, Pooja!
May you never be sad again.
Parents ageing is complicated and sad beyond words. To look at the hands that held you tight; struggle to bend and fold and speed up! To look at the voice that always comforted you; get worried at situations that seemed like nothing few years ago. And ofcourse there are surprise "shorir kharaps" with no definition or explanation except for 'boyesh'.
Long story short, whole heartedly, absolutely begging request to Gods for absolutely no stress, drama, anxiety, tomorrow or anytime soon please! Pretty please!
Ever wondered if a person with anxiety matching the intensity of a tough constipation would be called Anxtipated?
I could compete for the Anxipated Queen title tonight. Absolutely not being a thankless prick for being able to be in Calcutta for Saraswati Pujo this year again, but then again, shouldn't this be a basic pratice and not another day of endless gratitude of how 'lucky' I got this year!?
I see people half as serious, half as dedicated and if I may say, without sounding like the intellectual snob that I am, half as intellectual or intelligent or sensitive of interesting, happily living the life I dreamt. Sipping bhar er cha, eating bhaja Maggi and calling it a day with Silk Cut around Unitech, earning just as much and also not paying 30k per month for a flat with Kaveri water shortage making making morning news. The crap that SRK and Paulo Coelho spoke and wrote about universe conspiring is so rigged. The winner takes it all, ABBA spoke for all of us!
Saraswati Pujo should be about worrying which Saari to wear and not which Saari to pack since it's almost time to back again.
Anxtipated! Didn't I tell you.
Can you believe it that up until a few years ago dressing up in White, Red or Pink would make me excited and happy on this day, Valentine's Y'all! Look what I've made myself into. Yikes.
1. What did you do in 2023 that you’ve never done before?
Drove Maa
Published a book
Saw the Northern Lights
Blew up security alarm in Germany (that is more of S, but still counts :D )
Visited Red Light District
Got DTM pin
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Not kept, not keeping
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
So many babies happening my God! Kuhu was such a treat to be with though!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Pishu
5. What countries did you visit?
Norway
Netherlands (Germany and Kuwait, with transits)
In the country: Delhi, Rampur, Calcutta, Mangalore, Udipi, Calcutta, Karwar, Goa, Badami, Calcutta, Puri, Calcutta, Chandigarh, Lucknow, Calcutta
6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?
Promotion
7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory?
Buying a car
Obhimaan being up on Amazon and Flipkart
Watching the lights
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bidesh bina onsite!
Starting MBA!
Obhimaan
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not doing anything significantly great work-wise
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Weeklong Fever! Back in my life after a very long time.
Note to self: Add more machh to meals
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Air Fryer for home
Iphone for S
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Boss
14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel (and happily so!): No change to this touchwood
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Car
Tromso
PUJOOOOO
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2023?
O Mahi O Mahi
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Happier or sadder? Same
2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
3. Richer or poorer? Same
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Certifications/Switch
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sleeping! Mindless endless non productive sleeping.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Wrote letters to Santa
Woke up feverish
Went to Friends Cafe for Steak and Beer
Could not have the food or beer
Fought with S
Called it a night with Antibiotics
21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?
Maaaaaaaaa! <3
22. Did you fall in love in 2023?
No
23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None.
24. What was your favorite Tv programme?
A million vlogs on the Arctics
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.
26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Obhimaan
Amrita-Imroz
Humayun Ahmed (Finally visited Boi Mela after many years and bought a Humayun Ahmed! Should do more of it)
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Just Breathe
28. What did you want and get?
Northern Lights
Book with my name on it
29. What did you want and did not get?
Better job
30. What were your favorite films?
12th Fail ! OMG!
31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
30 till 40 :)
Went home
S came along
Went to Puri with everyone!
Sea, Sand, Family, Anxiety, Fear, Wanting to cease everything that very day till forever
Best :')
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Staying in Calcutta
33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?
Accepting size L and buying size L
34. What kept you sane?
Nothing! The year had a lot of anxiety issues.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Virat Kohli!
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
None
37. Who did you miss?
Home
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Noone
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023?
Cherish the good rather than worrying about the temporary in good! (That is the lesson, not the learning from the lesson)
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to meSpeaking words of wisdom, let it be
For the longest time I genuinely believed that love and kindness are the same thing. Exact same thing. That probably came because of the years of selfless abundant love by Maa. K calls her gullible but I know that behind every half hearted 'yes' that she had ever said, it was only kindness, love! You cannot really love someone and yet be unkind to them, my wholehearted single belief!
Ofcourse there's an entire crazy Kabir Singh/Animal army proving otherwise but coming from a family where we were never 'punished', never put inside dark bathrooms, never told stories of the bad guy coming to kidnap us; unkind love is really hard to accept!
They say it's still love when your tears don't make them cry
They say it's still love even when they don't go looking out for you
They say it's still love even without Frog Prince sorry notes
So be it!
Love and kindness are different things after all; but give a choice which one would you want to keep?
Think.
Me? I'd just keep SRK romance and thank Bollywood for the dreamscape
We set out on a voyage today. Something I have dreamt of since 2014. Something we have saved up for, since the last 2 years.
Exams, hurdles and hiccups later, the voyage is about to begin! I would have really liked Cohen sing 'and you want to travel with her' tonight!
Not jinxing with the where, how and what! There's just too much hotchpotch already. Just manifesting that there is a story of fulfilled dreams at the end of it!
Amen!
Remembering Chetan Bhagat today and truly promising that if we get through this Sem, we won't be begging the Exam Gods for pure mercy next Sem!
Folks feeling too over confident and picking up new degree almost a decade after the last one, Buro Boyeshe porashona khub kothin!
Here's to the start of Semester 1 from tomorrow!
Whole heartedly hoping there would be a Semester 2 to worry about in next 6 months.
Exam Gods be kind! Pretty please :(
2 years of sailing through this wee thing of social marriage that I fancied so much as a child and then got scared of. Lost two serious (atleast that's what I thought) relationships on the way, one teaching me how extra I can get, the other teaching me how little I can get! One shattering my confidence to pieces and the other, making me stronger than ever! So much so that I lost faith in the institution. And then S came with his overwhelming optimism which irritated my Dukkhobilash to the core. Still does, every day! But it always gets better. Always thankful to the stars for this one person who always turns back despite the million melt downs! Touching wood and getting anxious daily for getting to live a life with S who braves a storm, all day, every day.
Happy Anniversary, best boy!
What would I ever do without those hand massages
I feel pain
Pain in every transaction of oxygen through my body
Pain in every inch of my heart
Pain I cannot explain, cannot comprehend, Cannot understand or document or reflect or express
There is an overwhelming pricking of a thousand pins at the palm of my hand and feet and toes and lips and brows and thumb and neck and heart
The heart, it's tearing apart and I cannot explain how much;
Or how, why, since when, till when?!
All I know is I feel pain
And it's getting unbearable
- Abhishikta
Funny how all the prayers and superstitions find their way only throught the dark.
Did life humble you down recently?
Here's looking out for miracles, Universe?
Always celebrate people who impart progressive thoughts, rational actions in you!
Anyone who knows me, knows, that I have always loved weddings and obviously every second of my wedding was my dream, including the "Kanyadaan" where the photos look so lovely, girl-boy-hand-in-hand.
That was until I saw A's wedding where there was no daan of anyone because come on! You are not a thing to be given off. It took me 30 years to understand this!
I would forever be grateful to A for showing me the misogyny in this ritual.
So, was I able to have an absolutely zero sexist ritual covered wedding? No! But I tried.
Needless to say, my wedding had no Kanyadaan.
Neither did it have Lojja Bostro.
What Lojja?
The communist Baba, the super loving Maa and forever supportive S stood rock solid when Thakurmoshai and the rest of the world objected.
Watching Rocky and Rani, reminded me of this Kanyadaan cancellation. So nice to see things are changing. One eye opening at a time
P.S. Ofcourse you may not agree. I know people who actually take pride in touching their spouse's feet. I've even heard an almost heart touching explanation on it once. Great! As long as you don't preach it, peace (as the great O rightly says)
While in school, two quotes always had me thinking
1. Distance makes the heart go fonder
2. Out of sight out of mind
Funny how the same cause can have two completely different effects on two usecase sets
আজ সারাদিন বৃষ্টি হল
ঝম ঝম, ঝম ঝম
নির্ভেজাল, এক নাগার জলের প্লাবন
নির্ভেজাল, একনাগারে স্মৃতি রোমন্থন
আজ সারাদিন বৃষ্টি হল
ঝম ঝম, ঝম ঝম
গলির পাশে দালান বাড়ি
আছে কি সেই এক ই রকম
হলুদ দেয়াল কালো দরজা
ভালো বেশি বাসা কম
বইয়ের তাক, এ সি'র তার
নতুন ভাবনা পুরোনো ফোন
বাস এর টিকিট, সাউথ সিটি
আশাবাদী মনের কোন
মিথ্যে স্বপ্ন
বোঝাতে ভুল
ভালোবাসার
উচিত মাশুল
কাল সারাদিন মেঘ করবে
গম গম, গম গম
নির্ভেজাল, এক নাগার জলের প্লাবন
নির্ভেজাল, একনাগারে স্মৃতি রোমন্থন
কাল সারাদিন মেঘ করবে
গম গম, গম গম
- অভিষিক্তা
Probably it is the beauty of Calcutta that makes Dukkhobilash your favorite night routine!
I've been sleepless for almost 2 weeks now, felt restless, anxious and spent hours thinking of random things like how much space would be free-ed up if the book shelf is moved from left to right (yes!).
I've visited old memory corners of my mind and heart, tried to explicitly visit only the happy lanes and avoided the sad ones (both literally and figuratively). The subtle office pressure is also not helping.
Add the rush of Obhimaan that Calcutta brings in my heart! Whys and Why Nots and Why Me-s, ghosts of pasts, personality traits that I should have changed, words that I should have said better, people I should not have met, souls I should not have assumed mates. Whirlwind of thoughts, night after night! And then there are happy sappy people, happy sappy lives, happy sappy photos!!!
Baadh Shedho Na Bondhu!!!!
Tobe Tai Hok :)
I have never been a fan of numbers, but today, this, almost feels like magic! 🥹
Many years down the line when I would finally forget how to read the dashboard, this post would remind me that today was the day when I stopped checking the dashboard, every alternate hour.
A very grateful President's Distinguished Division Director today, just 3 days before the finish line because I bleed Bollywood and
Har kar jeetne walo ko...
Ofcourse you know 🥹❤️
Rolling eyes the moment I say sleeper!
The husband will blame the heat in summers, the chill in winters, the rains and monsoon, the pillows that are not given, the food that isn't good, the washrooms that aren't clean and many many actual logical correct reasons to not choose sleeper anymore if you have a choice!
And then, there are such 10-12 hours overnight trips from Bangalore in June where it's never summer, never winter and AC tickets are never available at the last minute; in short, the right choice as opposed to KSRTC (which again, I'm a fan of, but Indian Railways over Karnataka transport, okay).
This live blog, this day to remind myself of the feeling of this gush of strong wind brushing through my fringes which I didn't know existed up until now. To remind myself of this feeling of random sweet South Indian Aunty forcing us to eat their Idli despite the fact that I didn't switch my side upper with her daughter's seat (yes, okay, whatever). To remember the feeling of buying 'fu diye folano baalish' after forever and the random Lungi clad uncle totally judging and laughing at us with absolutely no awkwardness since we didn't bargain at 100 for a pillow. Indian Railways have been back big time in my life post marriage, not complaining and actively touching wood for the travel frequency, and also because S is a huge fan of trains.
I'm so happy at Sleepers not disappointing me this time. Return journey ofcourse, as S wanted with fancy windows with blue curtains, but this one's mine!
Say Hello to searching through wallets to find khuchro taka for Kannada Jhal muri and Bangla Band on stringed headphones (I'm sure you aren't surprised that I still use these antiques, daily)
Hello Karwar in 8hours!!!
However, Mangalore deserves a special mention today.
I remember coming to Mangalore back in 2015 where Pdi hosted us in full swing. I was in my own crazy IceCream fast that year and not healing from a certain breakup denial; so that entire experience at Pabbas had me keeping a straight face while N, R and Pdi insisted that I try this and that, atleast that, I denied.
Today afternoon I visited Pabbas again after 8 years, and ate till I could not eat anymore. Visited that one place that had absolutely made me cry. Changed the narrative!?
Looking back, it was a very stupid narrative in the first place, but then, we're all stupid and naive.
Here's to Mangalore
Here's to Ghee Roast
Here's to Icecream
🧿
8 years ago I left Kolkata, with a heartbreak that will probably take this entire lifetime to heal, with a zeal to comeback as soon as I can which has never happened, with Maa to make sure I settle just fine before she heads home.
Cannot really say the years have been super bad, the nights have been high, the days have been sunny, Bangalore dramatic sky dance has filled my heart, the Spring Cherry blossoms have adorned my phone gallery. The feeling of growing up, taking at least 6 flights to Kolkata a year, looking forward to and getting anxious before every Durga Pujo leaves; have not been as bad I had made it sound but the perpetual homesickness has never really left me. Come marriage, the homesickness have only become worse now with Bangalore home also slowly taking up a huge space in my heart and now, ‘choosing’ people AT places, it is always a tear and tear show every month, every flight. That is story for some other day but I always had the peace of the sister holding the home ground strong, albeit with her set of mood swings and GenZ complications, but, with a knowledge that she is there, while I chill and whine.
Today Kutu leaves for Chennai, and the somewhere, soon, or maybe not. Leaves home nonetheless and for good. I feel the same lost and sad and worried. The mother is again going to make sure that K settles just fine before she heads home, only this time, she will head home with a limp, extra medications and to an emptier Kolkata house.
মনে পরে ছোটোবেলায় বৃষ্টি গুনতাম, আজ প্রথম, আজ দ্বিতীয়, আজ তৃতীয়, আজ ঊনপঞ্চাশ |
মনে পরে গরমের ছুটি তে কোথাও ঘুরতে গেলে প্রিয় বন্ধু কে বৃষ্টি গুনে রাখার দায়িত্ব দিয়ে যেতাম |
আজ বছরের প্রথম বৃষ্টি হলো বেঙ্গালুরু তে' শুনতে পেলাম কলকাতায় ও বৃষ্টি বৃষ্টি ভাব, কালবৈশাখী, পরীক্ষা পরীক্ষা গন্ধ |
আজ আর বৃষ্টি গোনা লজিকাল না| আজ আর বৃষ্টি গোনার সময়, ইচ্ছে, আর ও আই কোনোটাই নেই | একটা প্রাচীন অভ্যেস এর মতো মনে পরল বৃষ্টি গোনা আজ | একটু পরে থেমে যাবে, তারপর নেটফ্লিক্স হবে, জোর আওয়াজে ইংরিজি গান হবে, কালকের প্ল্যানিং হবে| একটু পরে, এখন শুধু বৃষ্টি |
আজ, প্রথম বৃষ্টি
আজ ই শেষ
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