अब जब रोये, तो हसाए कौन?

अब जब रोये, तो मनाये कौन?

कैमोमाइल चाय.

कविता के पन्ने.

पेरासिटामोल.

और एक बाल्टी आंसू लिए,

एक कल का हिस्सा याद रहा

आंसू आंसुओं में एक आंसू का किस्सा याद रहा

FriYay!?

2015-2018 straight, I would peep out of room 427 on Friday nights to the long balcony of Lakshmi Pg The balcony would overlook the ORR, connecting Marathalli to Airport to Hyderabad. There was a long green banner too that said Hyderabad, Pune and Airport with directions and Kms and back then, all I wanted was to be at either of those 3 places (the reasons changed over the 4 years).
Right before this peeping out would have either been a Ladies night that was attended or long Bacardi and footpath thela’s kebab session, depending on the positioning of month end with Friday. Black smoke was recently introduced; Imran would have given me a session of how I am not smoking it right. Nivs would have judged him, then me and still loved us nonetheless. Prajakta would have laughed, Smita would have participated in the banter and soon, all would either sleep or get back to laptops over that 2X6 iron beds which had fairy lights for as backdrop.
The ORR would shine so bright with hundreds of cabs and long running sleeper buses one after the other, one after the other, endless, tireless. 4am. Prayers. Drunk prayers. Tired. So tired.

2024, Another Friday.
No rush to buy the drinks.
Making Fun Friday forms for office colleagues like a moron.
Took a long walk to buy medicines.
MBA exams in a week.
Period cramps’ sudden entry in life.
Tired. Still so tired.

Marriage.

For the longest time in my life, I believed that the one thing that would make me the happiest would be marriage. 

Not just the wedding, the marriage too. So much so, that I lost my puppy love and young love for this one goal of mine. Goal it really was. Unbendable, unshakable, unadaptable.
Anyway, my firm fanhood for marriage met reality a few years ago.
Have been judging myself ever since!
Totally blaming Aishwarya also for putting up such things (22:22-23:25) and my old sappy self overpowers the factual self.
Then? Do the pleasing. Do the forgiving. Do the new-day-new-dream.

Because, for the longest time in my life, I believed the one thing that would make me the happiest would be marriage.

Oshudh Kheyechhish?

Toe rings and frog kings yes, but calling/checking if you took your medicine, has been my idea true love for a very long time now.

Irrespective of age, stage, phase and severity.

Alas!

But Thank God for mothers! 🧿 🥹

Protect

Protect

Such a widely and wildly used word, both as positive and negative in its verb and noun forms.

Over time I've realised that there are people, for real, who make you feel protected. Not because you need protection, but just because. Isn't that the reason why we choose some leaders over others? Only the ones to give us a sense of protection for tomorrow!

But what about relationships? Do we choose the ones who may give us protection or the ones we need to protect? Or we don't do both and try being the latter irrespective of our original capacity, just because and only when, we love, for real!? 

There is also a blessed kind who gets chosen by, loved, respected and protected, all by the same human. Day after day, year after year, unconditionally. Ofcourse that's wishful dreaming.

Dreams are strange things! Touches your thought strings and bring up tangents you never knew existed. 

Did a dream ever make you feel more protected than real life? Is there a way to hit the same dream somehow? Anyhow?

Programmers of the world? 

Reading this?

Please !

Chan Kithaan

During my growing up years of moderate Kolkata summers and no ac, this used to be my Goodnight view, every night, year after year

Exams, Harry Potter, mild crush, sms, heartbreak, offer letter, rain, shine!

Along with Jimmy's 'Dilse' on fm

And today, this is a cherished privilege.

The uncertainty of this now, all of this.

Ouch K Gods

Be kind finally?!

Sadabahaar!

 

Restless Days

The guitar, the uke, the drawing book, the writing book, looking at the new leaves, looking at the cooker whistling, driving alone, driving together, drinking alone, drinking together, facing the cooler, facing the stage; and yet, the mind is restless. Waking up exhausted, sleeping off exhausted, working and not working enough. A million refresh through mails, a million refresh through hopes, a million self help talks, a million video calls, a million hugs and yet, the mind is restless.

A sense of defeat, and no, the exam ranting has not even set in. The office ranting has not even started.

Checking on the periods calendar, there's still time. Maybe this is just reality hitting hard, or the future hitting hard?

Could have easily chosen a simpler life.

Should have easily chosen a simpler life.

Peace and Joy? Please!?!

Happy Mother's Day! There's noone like you!

 

With Obhimaan, Obhishikta

 9 year old prayer, not answered.

Circling between never answered and yet to be answered. A zillion tear drops could not melt hearts, never did , never would. The Gods, the humans, the destiny writers, the city. 

So bye bye Kollolini. 

Praan bhorti obhimaan niye, bidaay

Filmy Bucket Lists

 

Bhalobashabashi

If you could walk back in time, would you still fall and get your heart broken the same way? 

Or would you just stay back for that one phuchka after the giant wheel at the fair and move forward in time?

Found this beautiful cute song talking of Bhalobasha bashi pachhena so why not just Pashapashi hatbo, for a while!

Bangla is so beautiful you see? I could not even translate the words in the truest essence!

Listen over for the lyrics and not the singing

Listen over for the beauty that Bangla known and mostly unknown songs are

তুই হতে চাস এক ক্যানভাস

তুই দাগ চাস তাতে স্পষ্ট

আমি জানব না তোর প্রেমিকার কথা

কাকে নিয়ে তোর কস্ট।

Farewell Sister

Processing grief leaves you hollow and full.

It took me more than 48hours to process let alone accept something that's unreal in all versions of reality.

Many versions many stories later, a constant replay of many memories later, crazy scrolling through insta handle later, it is still unreal. Like a nightmare which would be over. 

Words are failing me. Acceptance has not set in. Have never known about a fitting farewell.

Rest in Power and abundance of Peace, Pooja!

May you never be sad again.

Another Anxious Night

Parents ageing is complicated and sad beyond words. To look at the hands that held you tight; struggle to bend and fold and speed up! To look at the voice that always comforted you; get worried at situations that seemed like nothing few years ago. And ofcourse there are surprise "shorir kharaps" with no definition or explanation except for 'boyesh'. 

Long story short, whole heartedly, absolutely begging request to Gods for absolutely no stress, drama, anxiety, tomorrow or anytime soon please! Pretty please!

Anxtipated. Ranting, My Old Friend.

Ever wondered if a person with anxiety matching the intensity of a tough constipation would be called Anxtipated?

I could compete for the Anxipated Queen title tonight. Absolutely not being a thankless prick for being able to be in Calcutta for Saraswati Pujo this year again, but then again, shouldn't this be a basic pratice and not another day of endless gratitude of how 'lucky' I got this year!?

I see people half as serious, half as dedicated and if I may say, without sounding like the intellectual snob that I am, half as intellectual or intelligent or sensitive of interesting, happily living the life I dreamt. Sipping bhar er cha, eating bhaja Maggi and calling it a day with Silk Cut around Unitech, earning just as much and also not paying 30k per month for a flat with Kaveri water shortage making making morning news. The crap that SRK and Paulo Coelho spoke and wrote about universe conspiring is so rigged. The winner takes it all, ABBA spoke for all of us!

Saraswati Pujo should be about worrying which Saari to wear and not which Saari to pack since it's almost time to back again.

Anxtipated! Didn't I tell you.

Can you believe it that up until a few years ago dressing up in White, Red or Pink would make me excited and happy on this day, Valentine's Y'all! Look what I've made myself into. Yikes.

Inspired Brave Attempt

 

Pensive Pehli Baarish Mubaraq Ho

 

Guts!

 

Mandate: 2024 - Please Be The Best

 1. What did you do in 2023 that you’ve never done before?

Drove Maa
Published a book
Saw the Northern Lights
Blew up security alarm in Germany (that is more of S, but still counts :D )

Visited Red Light District

Got DTM pin

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Not kept, not keeping

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
So many babies happening my God! Kuhu was such a treat to be with though!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Pishu

 

5. What countries did you visit?
Norway
Netherlands (Germany and Kuwait, with transits)
In the country: Delhi, Rampur, Calcutta, Mangalore, Udipi, Calcutta, Karwar, Goa, Badami, Calcutta, Puri, Calcutta, Chandigarh, Lucknow, Calcutta

6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?
Promotion


7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory?
Buying a car
Obhimaan being up on Amazon and Flipkart
Watching the lights


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bidesh bina onsite!
Starting MBA!
Obhimaan


9. What was your biggest failure?
Not doing anything significantly great work-wise


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Weeklong Fever! Back in my life after a very long time.
Note to self: Add more machh to meals

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Air Fryer for home
Iphone for S

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Boss


14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel (and happily so!): No change to this touchwood


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Car
Tromso
PUJOOOOO

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2023?
O Mahi O Mahi 


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Happier or sadder? Same
2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
3. Richer or poorer? Same


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Certifications/Switch


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sleeping! Mindless endless non productive sleeping.


20. How did you spend Christmas?
Wrote letters to Santa
Woke up feverish
Went to Friends Cafe for Steak and Beer
Could not have the food or beer
Fought with S
Called it a night with Antibiotics

21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?
Maaaaaaaaa! <3


22. Did you fall in love in 2023?
No


23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None.


24. What was your favorite Tv programme?
A million vlogs on the Arctics

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.


26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Obhimaan
Amrita-Imroz
Humayun Ahmed (Finally visited Boi Mela after many years and bought a Humayun Ahmed! Should do more of it)


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Just Breathe

28. What did you want and get?
Northern Lights
Book with my name on it


29. What did you want and did not get?
Better job


30. What were your favorite films?
12th Fail ! OMG!


31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
30 till 40 :)
Went home
S came along
Went to Puri with everyone!
Sea, Sand, Family, Anxiety, Fear, Wanting to cease everything that very day till forever
Best :')

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Staying in Calcutta 


33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?
Accepting size L and buying size L


34. What kept you sane?
Nothing! The year had a lot of anxiety issues.


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Virat Kohli!


36. What political issue stirred you the most?
None


37. Who did you miss?
Home


38. Who was the best new person you met?
Noone

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023?
Cherish the good rather than worrying about the temporary in good! (That is the lesson, not the learning from the lesson)


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Kindness and Love

 For the longest time I genuinely believed that love and kindness are the same thing. Exact same thing. That probably came because of the years of selfless abundant love by Maa. K calls her gullible but I know that behind every half hearted 'yes' that she had ever said, it was only kindness, love! You cannot really love someone and yet be unkind to them, my wholehearted single belief!

Ofcourse there's an entire crazy Kabir Singh/Animal army proving otherwise but coming from a family where we were never 'punished', never put inside dark bathrooms, never told stories of the bad guy coming to kidnap us; unkind love is really hard to accept!

They say it's still love when your tears don't make them cry

They say it's still love even when they don't go looking out for you

They say it's still love even without Frog Prince sorry notes

So be it! 

Love and kindness are different things after all; but give a choice which one would you want to keep?

Think.

Me? I'd just keep SRK romance and thank Bollywood for the dreamscape

Heart is Full!

The Voyage

We set out on a voyage today. Something I have dreamt of since 2014. Something we have saved up for, since the last 2 years. 

Exams, hurdles and hiccups later, the voyage is about to begin! I would have really liked Cohen sing 'and you want to travel with her' tonight!

Not jinxing with the where, how and what! There's just too much hotchpotch already. Just manifesting that there is a story of fulfilled dreams at the end of it!

Amen!

MBA: Semester 1: Prayer for a Miraculous Pass

Remembering Chetan Bhagat today and truly promising that if we get through this Sem, we won't be begging the Exam Gods for pure mercy next Sem!

Folks feeling too over confident and picking up new degree almost a decade after the last one, Buro Boyeshe porashona khub kothin!

Here's to the start of Semester 1 from tomorrow!
Whole heartedly hoping there would be a Semester 2 to worry about in next 6 months.
Exam Gods be kind! Pretty please :(

2 Years of Playing Homies

On all days, there's a lot of hardwork

On most days, there's a lot of gratitude

On many days, there's a lot of anger

Today, only overwhelming emotions 

2 years of sailing through this wee thing of social marriage that I fancied so much as a child and then got scared of. Lost two serious (atleast that's what I thought) relationships on the way, one teaching me how extra I can get, the other teaching me how little I can get! One shattering my confidence to pieces and the other, making me stronger than ever! So much so that I lost faith in the institution. And then S came with his overwhelming optimism which irritated my Dukkhobilash to the core. Still does, every day! But it always gets better. Always thankful to the stars for this one person who always turns back despite the million melt downs! Touching wood and getting anxious daily for getting to live a life with S who braves a storm, all day, every day.

Happy Anniversary, best boy!

What would I ever do without those hand massages 

Pain

 I feel pain

Pain in every transaction of oxygen through my body

Pain in every inch of my heart

Pain I cannot explain, cannot comprehend, Cannot understand or document or reflect or express 

There is an overwhelming pricking of a thousand pins at the palm of my hand and feet and toes and lips and brows and thumb and neck and heart

The heart, it's tearing apart and I cannot explain how much;

Or how, why, since when, till when?!

All I know is I feel pain

And it's getting unbearable

- Abhishikta

 

Luck? Anyone? Universe? Please?

Funny how all the prayers and superstitions find their way only throught the dark.

Did life humble you down recently?

Here's looking out for miracles, Universe?

Kanyadaan

Always celebrate people who impart progressive thoughts, rational actions in you! 

Anyone who knows me, knows, that I have always loved weddings and obviously every second of my wedding was my dream, including the "Kanyadaan" where the photos look so lovely, girl-boy-hand-in-hand. 

That was until I saw A's wedding where there was no daan of anyone because come on! You are not a thing to be given off. It took me 30 years to understand this!

I would forever be grateful to A for showing me the misogyny in this ritual.

So, was I able to have an absolutely zero sexist ritual covered wedding? No! But I tried.

Needless to say, my wedding had no Kanyadaan. 

Neither did it have Lojja Bostro. 

What Lojja?

The communist Baba, the super loving Maa and forever supportive S stood rock solid when Thakurmoshai and the rest of the world objected. 

Watching Rocky and Rani, reminded me of this Kanyadaan cancellation. So nice to see things are changing. One eye opening at a time

P.S. Ofcourse you may not agree. I know people who actually take pride in touching their spouse's feet. I've even heard an almost heart touching explanation on it once. Great! As long as you don't preach it, peace (as the great O rightly says)

Another Teary Eyed Night of Leaving Kolkata and Doing Adult Shit

 

Talking to Self

While in school, two quotes always had me thinking

1. Distance makes the heart go fonder

2. Out of sight out of mind

Funny how the same cause can have two completely different effects on two usecase sets