Opposite of Self Worth

Dependence and Independence 

Independence has been a word of pride and extreme honor for Indians. As women, specifically, it's a milestone of pride and honor to be able to achieve it.

A certain turn of life events made me realise that we, the financially and academically privileged women have probably never understood Independence.

Why is it that we still need biological and emotional biscuits to be thrown at us despite all the 'Independence'. Does that make us independent in the first place? Slowly slipping into a deep dark mind line where there is no light and a lot of dependence.

Did you know that the opposite of self worth is dependence? I figured, just today.

Meet me in Montauk

Of all the things I wished to be
I wished to be Clementine
Keep dyeing my hair
Keep pretending I am fine

Your Girl Tried Slam Poety!

 

New thrill, unlocked :)

Chak Le India

As I gear up for the big test tomorrow, accepting the age and phase of medical supremacy; watched this girl while coming home from a movie, curly hair denim jacket with a big slice of pizza and a tall glass of colddrink outside a food joint named Chak Le India!

While we could not enter annny restaurant for the long waiting due to Valentines+ Friday night, with all of these young couples, bouquet in hand, misty perfume, constant smile; this curly haired single girl reminded me of myself, of hopeful Valentine's and solo dates.

Am I becoming an optimist already?

Tube tests should be a breeze then?

Ah!

Dedicating a song from my older self to me today. Absolutely needed.

:(

Grown Up Valentines

As a child, adult, always been a fan of Valentines Day! This time even managed to convert S into a Valentine's week celebrating husband. But ofcourse fate HAS to blow out the candles before it's 12

Here comes tube test and job scare. Just when I thought that things are finally going my way! H and the home I dream of was just getting clearer on the horizon and poof; the horizon is as far as it seemed 3 years ago!

Dear God. Why! 

So I will spend Valentines this year, convincing my manager's manager why I am a wrong fit for his bizzare plans for me and myself, that I can do the tube test without Anesthesia. 

And you, say a small prayer for a boring Bangali 10-7 job hugging Kakima life for me please! I've had enough thrills and unconventional jazz.

Totally hoping for mediocrity and 'regular'.  Please.

Mrs

 

Watched the movie?

While I understand the emotion and passion most women felt after watching it, I kept questioning how it ended. It did not show a change of heart of the other genders, or of the women who preach marital slavery. It showed what a brave woman did and what all women must do. But, did not show a magical transformation of the society, or the family, or other women who 'belong' to the kitchen.

So either you live alone or you slave away to Sindoor glory?!

While I wholeheartedly loved the movie,

Would not watch again.

Too much reality causes too much anxiety.

Had to immediately go watch Sex and the City to feel better!

Coldplay. Not Getting Over This.

ColdPlay!

 First story of this epic Adventure of a Lifetime!

2016 was when Coldplay first performed in India and I could not make it because of various factors like heartbreak, pocket crunch and utter disbelief in Global Citizen; money being the primary reason.

That day there was a decision, rather a prayer to be able to afford the next Coldplay in India, both money wise and life phase wise!

But when I tried my best and did not succeed with the tickets this time, A came to our rescue to take my dream up and up! So thankful for such amazing people in life ❤️

My pocket has a pinch, but heart is so full, primarily for being able to afford this and also, to be able to do this with S ❤️

Ofcourse my t-shirt is self painted because in my heart, the lights to guide me to Holud Taxi home! 💛🩶

 P and I, this one for you two too, my OG Coldplay admirers! Shouted and sang a little extra for you! ❤️

Universe, Thank You :')

Hyderabad Airport After 6 Years!

 

Visited Hyderabad airport today after 6 years for an expensive flight with layover (do the Math for non layover flight to Ahmedabad now)

Anyway, rather proud of myself of how mature or rather, cold (?) I've become.

For my future fans reading my memoir, Hyderabad was the work place of two prominent loves of your star's life and hence a place of frequent visit. 

All of that until nothing remained and I avoided Hyderabad completely. 2018 November during Pooja's wedding was when I visited Hyderabad airport last time, for a layover flight to Raipur and the amount of physical, mental, emotional trauma it caused, made me almost pledge to never step foot here. Pondering over now, probably this was why I always said no to Gandikota plans (which I must visit soon-ish).

So, your star had an encounter with her star crossed Hyderabad today and had only happiness and chicken and full fat Pepsi! Time really heals you? Or teaches you to deal with memories? Or gives you something more prominent and potent today to feel and often, to worry about?!

Who am I to tell!

Grown up much to deal with all of this with my freshly home cooked red hair by S! 

Kid you not! :D

Mandate! Hoping for Magic, 2025

 1. What did you do in 2024 that you’ve never done before?

Podcast

Travelled international with parents 

Got a company award on a very big stage

Tried and loved vape, regretted instantly 

Bought a cooler 

Got a big rod with a fancy camera go inside my vagina in the name of a fancy medical test

Spoke to 350+ girl students on studying 

Drove a big car

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

None kept

Hoping to read atleast 12 books this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Pooja. Can't believe it even as I type this.

5. What countries did you visit?

France, Italy, Switzerland, Vatican City, Belgium

In the country: Kolkata, Sikkim, Chandigarh, Kolkata, Chandigarh, Kolkata, Chandigarh, Kasauli, Rishikesh, Saharanpur, Delhi, Kolkata

6. What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024?

Hreed

Job in Kolkata 

7. What date from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory?

Watching the Eiffel with Maa

Big fight at Chandigarh 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Bidesh with parents. 

Promotion (the uselessness of it came later)

9. What was your biggest failure?

Health! Absolutely rotten.

Not getting a single new job in 12 months!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

None that showed. But the sick lifestyle has made its mark and how.

Also, constant anxiety. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Nothing interesting. New stupid phone?

Oh maybe ticket in black for a concert.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

No one's

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

FIL

14. Where did most of your money go?

Medicine and tickets.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Pujo. 

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2024?

Geet Gobindo

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Sadder

2. Thinner or fatter? Same

3. Richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Yoga

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Nesha.

Worrying about everyone's death all day everyday. Sick.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Wrote letters to Santa

Went home!

Slept in the Calcutta winter sun.

Ate good food.

Did not party.

Did not drink or smoke.

Went to Buchu's.

Spoke endlessly with Maa.

It was perfect.

21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?

Maaaaaaaaa! <3

22. Did you fall in love in 2023?

No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None.

24. What was your favorite Tv programme?

Emily in Paris

Mamla Legal Hai

Ghar wapsi (again)

Yeh meri family

Baby Reindeer

Very Parivarik

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

Read one Kakababu this year. One book. Shameful mobile phone addiction.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Amrito megher o bari :')

28. What did you want and get?

Europe with family

29. What did you want and did not get?

Better job

Bangladesh

H

30. What were your favorite films?

Inside Out 2

Laapata Ladies

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

30 till 40 :)

Stayed in Bangalore

S tried his bit. Gave me gold :')

Had fresh brewed beer with a lot of guilt.

Called the day off

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

H / Job in Calcutta 

Both or either

33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2024?

Team Zudio

34. What kept you sane?

Nothing. Went up to the extent of speed driving on a rage episode. Sick.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Paresh Pahuja

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

None

37. Who did you miss?

Calcutta 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Noone

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024?

Quit smoking. Don't even start. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

শুধু আমার হিয়া বিরাম পায় নাকো

ওগো দুখজাগানিয়া

তোমায় গান শোনাবো

Tomorrow I leave again 

Tomorrow I get anxious again

Tomorrow I live a half life again

ज़हर वेख के पित्ता,

ते की पित्ता,

इश्क सोच के कित्ता,

ते की कित्ता।

Can someone magically give me a job here? Please!

Universe?

Baranday Roddur

The sheer privilege and joy of sunlight peeping from your Bengali styled window grills, right through your Kakababu Shomogro, to your heart; 

Countdown to go back from home has just started.

Licking my wounds in Calcutta Sun today

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone 

Hope your plum cakes and letters to Santa are sorted

Brain Rot

 Saw a few of my sister's friends post about brain rot a few days ago and wondered how this has been been a constant for quite few years, intellectually too. The lack and search of intellectual Inspiration is a disastrous side that I have very carefully kept in a tiny little box inside the rotten brain, but, coming back to intelligence, it is not even funny!

I had never been the best of minds but I sailed through 4 years of WBUT with a lot of help from R, O and later A. Each, amazed me with their little efforts and much results which I just mindlessly scored. Not complaining, thank you Btech Gods.

Today as I head to the third sem of probably the degree I should have taken in 2018 had I not been lovesick. Brain rot has become more real than ever. Looking and admiring S every time, every day, of every sem exam. Here's hoping MBA Gods also show mery! Pretty Please!

Here we go! 

Song is just to make me happy :)

Har Har Gange

Ganga Aarti has gathered many believers and non believers, content and disturbed, across all stages and phases of life and faith, all the time.

It was surreal to witness it after years. Toggling between superstition, faith and absolute heartbreak, I've always tried to find some refuge in spiritual and religious sanctums at all hopeless phases. Entering one (or maybe have entered one) soon-ish, seeking all sorts of blessings again. Again, wanting something can cannot be achieved without blessings. Hence, Rishikesh seemed like an obvious spot. Ganga Aarti was divine, could have been longer. Benaras, someday!

Heart is full, and doubtful, but mostly full!

Checklist Post

Guess who is driving through and with Punjab Swag!

Talking of Little Joys, 

As a short human, I've always been wanting but fearing driving bigger cars. 

That's checked now! 🖤

 अब जब रोये, तो हसाए कौन?

अब जब रोये, तो मनाये कौन?

कैमोमाइल चाय.

कविता के पन्ने.

पेरासिटामोल.

और एक बाल्टी आंसू लिए,

एक कल का हिस्सा याद रहा

आंसू आंसुओं में एक आंसू का किस्सा याद रहा

FriYay!?

2015-2018 straight, I would peep out of room 427 on Friday nights to the long balcony of Lakshmi Pg The balcony would overlook the ORR, connecting Marathalli to Airport to Hyderabad. There was a long green banner too that said Hyderabad, Pune and Airport with directions and Kms and back then, all I wanted was to be at either of those 3 places (the reasons changed over the 4 years).
Right before this peeping out would have either been a Ladies night that was attended or long Bacardi and footpath thela’s kebab session, depending on the positioning of month end with Friday. Black smoke was recently introduced; Imran would have given me a session of how I am not smoking it right. Nivs would have judged him, then me and still loved us nonetheless. Prajakta would have laughed, Smita would have participated in the banter and soon, all would either sleep or get back to laptops over that 2X6 iron beds which had fairy lights for as backdrop.
The ORR would shine so bright with hundreds of cabs and long running sleeper buses one after the other, one after the other, endless, tireless. 4am. Prayers. Drunk prayers. Tired. So tired.

2024, Another Friday.
No rush to buy the drinks.
Making Fun Friday forms for office colleagues like a moron.
Took a long walk to buy medicines.
MBA exams in a week.
Period cramps’ sudden entry in life.
Tired. Still so tired.

Marriage.

For the longest time in my life, I believed that the one thing that would make me the happiest would be marriage. 

Not just the wedding, the marriage too. So much so, that I lost my puppy love and young love for this one goal of mine. Goal it really was. Unbendable, unshakable, unadaptable.
Anyway, my firm fanhood for marriage met reality a few years ago.
Have been judging myself ever since!
Totally blaming Aishwarya also for putting up such things (22:22-23:25) and my old sappy self overpowers the factual self.
Then? Do the pleasing. Do the forgiving. Do the new-day-new-dream.

Because, for the longest time in my life, I believed the one thing that would make me the happiest would be marriage.

Oshudh Kheyechhish?

Toe rings and frog kings yes, but calling/checking if you took your medicine, has been my idea true love for a very long time now.

Irrespective of age, stage, phase and severity.

Alas!

But Thank God for mothers! 🧿 🥹

Protect

Protect

Such a widely and wildly used word, both as positive and negative in its verb and noun forms.

Over time I've realised that there are people, for real, who make you feel protected. Not because you need protection, but just because. Isn't that the reason why we choose some leaders over others? Only the ones to give us a sense of protection for tomorrow!

But what about relationships? Do we choose the ones who may give us protection or the ones we need to protect? Or we don't do both and try being the latter irrespective of our original capacity, just because and only when, we love, for real!? 

There is also a blessed kind who gets chosen by, loved, respected and protected, all by the same human. Day after day, year after year, unconditionally. Ofcourse that's wishful dreaming.

Dreams are strange things! Touches your thought strings and bring up tangents you never knew existed. 

Did a dream ever make you feel more protected than real life? Is there a way to hit the same dream somehow? Anyhow?

Programmers of the world? 

Reading this?

Please !

Chan Kithaan

During my growing up years of moderate Kolkata summers and no ac, this used to be my Goodnight view, every night, year after year

Exams, Harry Potter, mild crush, sms, heartbreak, offer letter, rain, shine!

Along with Jimmy's 'Dilse' on fm

And today, this is a cherished privilege.

The uncertainty of this now, all of this.

Ouch K Gods

Be kind finally?!

Sadabahaar!

 

Restless Days

The guitar, the uke, the drawing book, the writing book, looking at the new leaves, looking at the cooker whistling, driving alone, driving together, drinking alone, drinking together, facing the cooler, facing the stage; and yet, the mind is restless. Waking up exhausted, sleeping off exhausted, working and not working enough. A million refresh through mails, a million refresh through hopes, a million self help talks, a million video calls, a million hugs and yet, the mind is restless.

A sense of defeat, and no, the exam ranting has not even set in. The office ranting has not even started.

Checking on the periods calendar, there's still time. Maybe this is just reality hitting hard, or the future hitting hard?

Could have easily chosen a simpler life.

Should have easily chosen a simpler life.

Peace and Joy? Please!?!

Happy Mother's Day! There's noone like you!

 

With Obhimaan, Obhishikta

 9 year old prayer, not answered.

Circling between never answered and yet to be answered. A zillion tear drops could not melt hearts, never did , never would. The Gods, the humans, the destiny writers, the city. 

So bye bye Kollolini. 

Praan bhorti obhimaan niye, bidaay

Filmy Bucket Lists

 

Bhalobashabashi

If you could walk back in time, would you still fall and get your heart broken the same way? 

Or would you just stay back for that one phuchka after the giant wheel at the fair and move forward in time?

Found this beautiful cute song talking of Bhalobasha bashi pachhena so why not just Pashapashi hatbo, for a while!

Bangla is so beautiful you see? I could not even translate the words in the truest essence!

Listen over for the lyrics and not the singing

Listen over for the beauty that Bangla known and mostly unknown songs are

তুই হতে চাস এক ক্যানভাস

তুই দাগ চাস তাতে স্পষ্ট

আমি জানব না তোর প্রেমিকার কথা

কাকে নিয়ে তোর কস্ট।

Farewell Sister

Processing grief leaves you hollow and full.

It took me more than 48hours to process let alone accept something that's unreal in all versions of reality.

Many versions many stories later, a constant replay of many memories later, crazy scrolling through insta handle later, it is still unreal. Like a nightmare which would be over. 

Words are failing me. Acceptance has not set in. Have never known about a fitting farewell.

Rest in Power and abundance of Peace, Pooja!

May you never be sad again.

Another Anxious Night

Parents ageing is complicated and sad beyond words. To look at the hands that held you tight; struggle to bend and fold and speed up! To look at the voice that always comforted you; get worried at situations that seemed like nothing few years ago. And ofcourse there are surprise "shorir kharaps" with no definition or explanation except for 'boyesh'. 

Long story short, whole heartedly, absolutely begging request to Gods for absolutely no stress, drama, anxiety, tomorrow or anytime soon please! Pretty please!

Anxtipated. Ranting, My Old Friend.

Ever wondered if a person with anxiety matching the intensity of a tough constipation would be called Anxtipated?

I could compete for the Anxipated Queen title tonight. Absolutely not being a thankless prick for being able to be in Calcutta for Saraswati Pujo this year again, but then again, shouldn't this be a basic pratice and not another day of endless gratitude of how 'lucky' I got this year!?

I see people half as serious, half as dedicated and if I may say, without sounding like the intellectual snob that I am, half as intellectual or intelligent or sensitive of interesting, happily living the life I dreamt. Sipping bhar er cha, eating bhaja Maggi and calling it a day with Silk Cut around Unitech, earning just as much and also not paying 30k per month for a flat with Kaveri water shortage making making morning news. The crap that SRK and Paulo Coelho spoke and wrote about universe conspiring is so rigged. The winner takes it all, ABBA spoke for all of us!

Saraswati Pujo should be about worrying which Saari to wear and not which Saari to pack since it's almost time to back again.

Anxtipated! Didn't I tell you.

Can you believe it that up until a few years ago dressing up in White, Red or Pink would make me excited and happy on this day, Valentine's Y'all! Look what I've made myself into. Yikes.