Kainaat, Now Is The Time

Please.

Look How They Cry For/With You

How much is too much? Too much pain, too much suffering, too much pleading, too much praying?

In school they really thought I'd do something big

In college I really thought I'd do something big

Look at me now? Praying everyday for bare minium professional excellence and still struggling. That guy with his stoned existence and yellow hair who would sit behind me for all of the 8 semesters and constantly copy, is cruising though his new car at Amsterdam (not making that up and not doubting his non academic excellence). Guess academics are not as important as we had been taught. Maybe, what they thought and I thought; all wrong. Maybe, I had built a bubble so big that it took all these years to burst and now, what I see is world as it is. Where I, am a speck of dust. And a burden to all those around me with my constant bickering and complaining. Should I eat veg? Should I stop ordering? Should I just disappear?

Multiple bags of chips and rerun of Grey's Anatomy but where is the peace? The rains came for a bit for/with me but then there was the sun. Then there was light. If Gods have to be so literal it needs to be figurative as well. Happiness needs to happen for real too. And soon. Before I lose it all. And I am very close.

Lessons from Everyday Life

Vote. That's the essence of the season. Left, right, right left. The never ending discussion. Constant judging of people by how they think, what they think is right, and then taking a sharp left, ofcourse. From holding massive arguments a few years ago to now, succumbing to "sure" when someone holds the religion tangent, or antinatinal tangent, or the lesser evil tangent. Tired. So very tired. 

But do you know who is not tired? The leftists, the real leftists, are not tired. I have no idea what it takes to get on a fight, head on, knowing there is no way to win. I see these banners and posters in orage-white-green across the city, in bulks, it could sponsor the education of so many children. What an epic waste of resources. Then I see my father and some Kaku Kakimas of the same flock, still rooting for "dewal potrika" (yes it still is a thing) and word of mouth and good upbringing. Lacking so much in the reel game, lacking so much in the marketing game, lacking so much, because of finances. So what is it that still makes them eager to work, free of cost, volunteer, at 75? What? Is it hope. Or stupidity. Or both?

Someday, I would live and work in a Communist Calcutta, with my family. Really. Is this hope? Or stupidity? Or both? 

Stop This Shit

When I had my first breakup, I thought there could be nothing worse. I cried for months, went in disbelief, denial, trauma, depression, in phases, sometimes all at once. Yet I thought there could be nothing worse. And I was right. It did not pass.

When I got PIP, I thought there could be nothing worse. I did not cry this time but anxiety found a permanent home. Difficulty in surviving, lost interest in thriving, constant feeling of staring at the traffic lights, borderline wanting to high jump. Yet I thought there could be nothing worse. Even got a tattoo to remind me of that phase. It passed.

When I had my first miscarriage, I thought there could be nothing worse. There was a lot of crying, financial downsidens and extremel physical pain involved. There was a complete change in my life plans, God perception and confidence, or the lack of it. Yet I thought there could be nothing worse. And there was one more miscarriage. Before it could pass.

Standing where I stand today, earnestly praying and hoping that nothing surpasses this. No more worse life stories. Please. I am just so tired. Living in fear everyday. For my job, for my health, mostly for my job. Am I wrong to feel that way as a woman? Guess we'll never know. But Gods, if you exist, stop the circus. I CAN'T BREATHE.

Staaaaaaaph!

And a little but more...

Pain

Trauma

Depression

Never gets old. You experience worsts of traumas and yet, nothing scars like the first.

Painful then

Painful still

Trigger warning: Miscarriages and IVF Failures

I have forever written in gibberish until I did not. Today is one of those days where the sunflower wilts. Miscarriages, IVF failures and amidst a million injections and medicines, writing this because this is the only form of grieving that I know of.

The biggest problem of ART (Artifical Reproductive Technology) is the limited knowledge in people, that is for lack of empathy and understanding and the entire hush hush around it.

Your body breaks, your finances go for a toss, your heart breaks and you hold it together to live another day, take one more injection, say one more prayer.

You question, do I even like kids that much?

You wonder, how much more weight loss would have made the pregnancy viable?

You cry.

You chatgpt.

You worry about your full time job.

It's just sad that our tax regime does not have ARTs as a section of exception, it's sadder that there are no ART leaves. It's saddest that even after all of this, everything goes to where everything started. A big fat zero.

Tomorrow shall be a new day where we breathe and put up a normal face. Today, just questioning the Gods and their pointlessness of existence.

If you have read till here, Thank you! Hope this never happens to you.

Bare Minimum

Bare Minimum 

That life sustaining job

That evening at children's park 

That night with listening partner

Still so tough ?

Learnings

 My father would always say, every day that you spend without learning anything new is a day wasted. It is another story that the same man has been only binge watching the same old Bangla movies on the same old dusty desktop every evening for the past few years and learning nothing new.
But I have also been told that buro boyesh is not for judgements. So, no judgements, 

Coming back to learning something new everyday for us, less aged mortals. Learning from my weekend Hysteroscopy is that there is another type of less known TB which is Genital TB.
Why did I need this learning? Because my samples are sent for screening.
But really, what did I learn from this? To not take our health for granted.

Now the real learning. Between a situation to pray for your health and pray for your job, always pray for your health. Praying every day, hence.
And secretly hoping some org will like me and take me. Maybe tomorrow.

Hysteroscopy

Scary big words that life keeps throwing. I know people have it worse. But there should be a limit to sadness per month, no?

Be back in a bit, minus diseases. Inshallah. Please God.

Jumpscare

With topical dermatitis or psoriasis or dry eczema (No, Doctors have no idea. Yes, multiple Doctors) joining the misery party, here comes the "Go Back" placard from Calcutta, again. There would be another attempt to dip my toes tightly inside the Calcutta mud and try to stay longer, forever. Only time would tell if a gush of misery wave is going to  put me away or standstill would continue. Instantly worried about S's career which could get affected by this hate hate vibe that fate has developed.

Stress is a trigger. I have been told.

Wow Gods! So kind. I don't even know what to say. I am just so tired. As if losing Hreed was not enough. Now, my home too? I know people have it worse. But some have it better. Way way better. Why can't that be me? Why can't that be us? Time to start listening to prayers maybe? Gods? Anybody home?

Long Haul Flight

Somewhere, someone cries

Somewhere, someone dies

While someone takes a long haul flight

Someone rushes

Someone pushes

Someone stacks a pile of lies

Someone struggles

Someone rebels

Someone wholeheartedly complies

All of it

While someone takes a long haul flight

While someone takes a long haul flight

May luck, come by

May life, come by

While someone takes a long haul flight

- Obhi

Another Restless Night

 Just when you think you've seen the worst of worst, life gives you a new low! Not sure if my prayers have any effect but totally praying for the 24year old to not have L.

Just when I thought my problem was the biggest, here it comes. I can't even. My god.

Surfing, Check ✅️

 

Mind Over Body

Story, because AI could never!

Growing up I could gain and lose weight very easily. The years and phases when the weight was on the higher end, my height weight jugalbandi would droop down my confidence to eventually cause me to eat more to cause more drooping down, a vicious cycle.

Last one year was one of the most medically and financially exhausting years where, ofcouse, the dropping down reached an all time high (technically). This drowned my confidence in Hoogly. Gained weight, lost hair, still losing peace of mind.

Medicines for weight gain
Keto for weight loss
Repeat
July
August
September
October
November
December 

And by now I was 5kg lighter by body mass and 100 kg heavier by mind weight. Mind over body. Remember.
So when they gave me a new diet chart today. I laughed.
Mind over body, the nutritionist said.
What would you know.

House With A Slip

"Children, those are slides..." said Mrs. Young, my Lower Nursery class teacher. "You are in a convent school; what is 'Slip Slip'? Speak proper English," as we made a long queue to take turns on the solitary yellow-colored slide beside our Pre-Primary section premises.

I instantly knew I had to go home and tell my aunts and Amma about this new English word.

As a child, I grew up in a joint family for the first 10 years as the only human who was below 10 years old, so obviously I was pampered and spoilt in every way a middle-class child could be pampered and spoilt. One of those episodes always had Nana take me to the park in the evenings whenever I wanted, but in the park, I always had to face a long queue in front of the Dolna—the swing. Back home, since everything was presented to me before I could know I needed it, this "waiting" game was too much for me to handle; so, of course, I switched my favorite from Dolna to the "Slip," which was always open, always less crowded.

In school, we could use the "Slip" only during PT periods in Pre-Primary—only twice a week, really! But come Class I, Primary Section, we were free birds graduating from the yellow plastic slide of Pre-Primary to the cemented slide in the central ground of our school! So, every morning, when our school bus would drop us at school 50 minutes before the school actually started, all of us—Bus No. 16 , 14 and Bus No. 8 friends—would gather around the three-faced cemented slide until the Assembly Bell. There was special joy on PT days when we wore keds because that would make running and reaching the top from the bottom front of the slide a cakewalk compared to the daily ballerinas.

This ritual stopped once we were in the Secondary section because other things started seeming more interesting. During this transition phase, one day we went to D-Uncle's new flat in a society of those times which had a slide INSIDE THE SOCIETY! My 10-year-old brain went giddy with dreams of living in such a house that would have a slide. In my dream house with a slide below, I would return home every evening and run to the slide and all would be well.

I remember living with this dream for a few days once we returned back home.

Then years passed, I grew up, and I don't remember getting on any kind of slide for at least the last 10 years, or maybe 20.

However, today, I noticed something. I had gone out to buy something in the morning and, in the random 10 degrees of Newtown's extra chilly winds while coming back, I saw that there are not one, not two, but three (technically four) slides right below my building.

These existed for the last 6 months as well, but they never seemed important enough to be given a moment of thought. When we were house hunting, this was not even on the list, whereas things like "Covered Parking" and "Security Deposit" were all that I cared about. What have I become?

Hence, this gratitude post from that 10-year-old dreamer.
The current me is still exhausted and low on faith, but at least I finally have the 'house with a slip', for now (fate Gods, no nazar and uprooting, please)

Mandate.

1. What did you do in 2025 that you’ve never done before?

Got into an expensive and extensive medical treatment 

Completed my masters

Watched Coldplay live

Podium finish in D92 District Finals

Tried slam poetry

Shouted through HSG in a room full of strangers 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Read only 4 out of 12 books resolution.

For 2026, hoping to be healthy 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nivu-Happy, Ankita-Dushyant, Parixit-Ankita

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Hreed.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. It was quite a fuck all year.

Within India, Ahmedabad, Madurai, Rameshwaram, Chikballabur Adiyodi, Coorg, Mysore, Hampi, Kabini, Calcutta, Pune, Mumbai, Chandigarh, Kapurthala, Hyderabad, Shantiniketan, Chandigarh, Calcutta

6. What would you like to have in 2026 that you lacked in 2025?

Happy job

Pink of health

7. What date from 2025 will remain etched upon your memory?

Not date, but the memory of shooting unbearable pain and finally getting admitted to Ruby Emergency and S driving rock steady with sky rocket heartbeat and Maa crying though it all, but strongly making tough decisions. Finally making it home after signing bond papers. As dramatic as it could get.

And ofcourse 11th December which took Hreed away.

Leaving morbidity aside, Coldplay live was amazing!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

NOTHING. However, so proud of S to be able to give me my dream Calcutta life. The anxiety and possibility of time limit came later.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Health 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. So much. I can't even.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Nothing.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sunil's. OH MY GOD!

Alpana

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Fate?

14. Where did most of your money go?

Medines. Injections. Procedures.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Coldplay.

Homecoming.

Convocation.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2025?

Michhe Obhimaan Korona Priye

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Sadder

2. Thinner or fatter? Thinner

3. Richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Growth 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Nothing. I was absolutely disciplined and yet, What A Fuck All Year.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Wrote a very skeptic letter to Santa because S is an optimistic pumpkin

Plum cakes at home :")

Beer for lunch with beautiful food (and said hello to smoke, my old friend)

Slept through Avatar in 3D glasses (such a waste)

Adda, Kebab, Whiskey through night till morn

Did not put up a Chritmas tree after many many years, ended the already over day with shaken faith

21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?

Noone. So happy about it.

22. Did you fall in love in 2025?

No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None.

24. What was your favorite Tv programme?

Sex and the City

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Fate?

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

Read 4 books after forever

Kobi

White Nights

The Boy The Mole The Fox and The Horse (best!)

The Fall of the House of Usher

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Fakira - All covers, nonetheless

28. What did you want and get?

Homecoming 

Convocation

29. What did you want and did not get?

Job at Calcutta

Health that brings happiness and heart

30. What were your favorite films?

F1

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

30 till 40 :)

I was at Calcutta, Maa came to Newtown. Ate, slept, did Ganpati visarjan and ended with Peter Cat. It was so boring and just perfect. Need this to repeat always.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not losing H

33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2024?

Anything that supported TVS. Disgusting age issues.

34. What kept you sane?

Maa, S.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Alfieeeeeeee! So hot!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

None. 

37. Who did you miss?

Noone.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Noone.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2025?

Prayers don't work. God has favorites. Stop breaking your head, and Health.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

But I was late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life...

Prithibita Naki...

Kolkata winters have always been an experience. Trust a radically sick person to still gather all her might and turn up for parar program, especially for a band that she had never heard of. 

Fakira, when I heard them, especially when I saw an entire early 20 something crowd sing along line by line while I only sang chorus, for a while, I thought that maybe our time is over and the 10 years of Bangalore has taken me away from Bangla music scene and now, old age has to just nod the freshly chopped hair, headbang what headbang, Hello Pretence, my old friend.

And then there was a homage to "GOUTOM SYYAR", there was Prithibita Naki, there was a 60 something gentleman stand up and do Aahahaha...aaaha Aahahaha! I did too, so did the 20something headbangers, so did parar kakima and khukumoni! 

That's when you know, the dead weight might pull you down, but then, you can always lick your wounds with Bhebe Dekhechho Kiiiii Tara Rao Koto Alok Borsho Dure.... Aaro Dure.... 

There goes my Hreed... Aaro Dure

Chapter 7: 💔

Why Calcutta?

 Wanting and making all arrangements to push me off at every instant! Just why?

Loss, the Thought, the Possibility, the Reality

 Loss. Something we've all dealt with, or, are dealing with. Of people, places, substance, memory, dream, hope, possibility.

Reeling from such a loss, or the possibility of it. My father had always tried optimism when watching cricket "last ball e kichhuo hote pare". Today I heard that he's optimistic as well, so is everyone I spoke with today. I as usual have very little hope about my medical situation. I hope I am just exaggerating this out of proportion and mine will be a story to tell next year. Header "Storm in Storm"! H, please.

God, this one time, prove me wrong about my worries and them right about their faith. Very very tired. Really.

Never A Dull Day

Tears.

Some of joy, some of pain,
Some for people to never meet again,
Some for choices, badly made,
Some for bold chances, mocking fate,

Tears.

So many known, many unknown,
Few, beautifully wiped out,
Few, never shown,
Few, present continuous,
Most, anonymously passed on, 

Outgrown.

-Obhi

Final Result Day

All fate Gods, please, let the day be of happiness. It's more important than ever. Praying with all of my might. Counting on all of combined dullops of faith and prayer and belief.

Anxiety pro max tonight.

Wait

Remember that time after board exams; you prepared your best, you sat through the exams, you think you did well, everyone is saying papers were unpredictable, now you wait for the result.

Wait, not knowing if your emotionally charged up essay would go in the hands of a non romantic teacher, not knowing if the teacher would "step mark" your half done maths sum, not knowing if you'll pass.

Going through exact same phase. Want to flex that I have never failed. Want the streak to just continue. Touchwood. Gods, I have no strength left for any barter. So, just for the love of  love, don't fail me this time too. Please.

Hot chocolate for the weak heart.

A Long Day, A Warm Night. Waiting For A Miracle

Health Gods. Blessings Please.

Nomatter how much you spend, no matter how much you push your body to tolerate all sorts of pain just to be at the basic pink of health, it all comes down to a lot of luck and love from the health Gods to sail you through and finally stick to a happy shore.

High temperature, runny nose, burning eyes, almost disrupting my medical procedures for tomorrow. At this point, I don't even have the heart to pray or feel bad or be hopeful. Just numb. Remembering every person who had told me to start adopting a better lifestyle years ago, multiple times.

Just hoping, I get lucky this time. Dear Gods! Please

Lone Gibberish Nights of Worries and Hypotherical Scenarios

Live a little, they say

And I wonder how would it be 

To really live but just for a little 

Than to not live at all

And I wonder how would it be

To accept

 

Result Days

Remember those days???

While my school result days were generally celebratory, college result days were absolutely random. They would choose random days and more random time of that day to publish the results without any prior notice. Decorum? What Decorum?

Ten minutes into this random result publishing, the servers would crash and we'd be left with endlessly waiting and worrying of when again, the results would be out. Then, there were a few studs who believed in "ignorance in bliss" but I, was always this super scared pact-with-god-making human, chewing away all of my nails in anxiety. This is back in the days when anxiety was just another day of "bhoy lagchhe".

Tomorrow is one such mid year result day. This time, in the school of life. No pacts are made. Bhoy lagchhe. Hoping the Gods will be kind and finally have some mercy on us. Totally counting on S's luck this time. Mine, I ran out in 2014.

Beg? I'm doing every second. 

Let tomorrow be a happy day, Dear God!

General Anesthesia

Writing this with dry throat, literally, because "no water after 11pm" 

After about what millions of humans being go through everyday, General Anesthesia is still making me nervous. N's wise words saying "Anesthesia is the best invention of the medical world" is on loop on my mind and heart.

By now you know that drama is my middle name. So drama I shall do. I hope to get out of this situation someday and write a book. Till then, 

Dua mein yaad rakhna. See you in a bit. Inshallah!

Life In Trenches

Everyday has been a struggle to cope up with and pray for medicines and miracles. My skin and heart has been pricked and probed. My prayers have been disorganized and scattered. My office has been blur. I no longer know what I truly want. I no longer believe in the power of prayer.

The car has not been out for weeks, no holiday plans at the horizon, all normal clothes have been changed into Kurta and easy pants, Chatgpt has now become my affirmation generator

What am I doing?

What are you doing? GOD!

Pretty photo because I'm a charmer like that 😄🧿