Lessons from Everyday Life

Vote. That's the essence of the season. Left, right, right left. The never ending discussion. Constant judging of people by how they think, what they think is right, and then taking a sharp left, ofcourse. From holding massive arguments a few years ago to now, succumbing to "sure" when someone holds the religion tangent, or antinatinal tangent, or the lesser evil tangent. Tired. So very tired. 

But do you know who is not tired? The leftists, the real leftists, are not tired. I have no idea what it takes to get on a fight, head on, knowing there is no way to win. I see these banners and posters in orage-white-green across the city, in bulks, it could sponsor the education of so many children. What an epic waste of resources. Then I see my father and some Kaku Kakimas of the same flock, still rooting for "dewal potrika" (yes it still is a thing) and word of mouth and good upbringing. Lacking so much in the reel game, lacking so much in the marketing game, lacking so much, because of finances. So what is it that still makes them eager to work, free of cost, volunteer, at 75? What? Is it hope. Or stupidity. Or both?

Someday, I would live and work in a Communist Calcutta, with my family. Really. Is this hope? Or stupidity? Or both? 

Stop This Shit

When I had my first breakup, I thought there could be nothing worse. I cried for months, went in disbelief, denial, trauma, depression, in phases, sometimes all at once. Yet I thought there could be nothing worse. And I was right. It did not pass.

When I got PIP, I thought there could be nothing worse. I did not cry this time but anxiety found a permanent home. Difficulty in surviving, lost interest in thriving, constant feeling of staring at the traffic lights, borderline wanting to high jump. Yet I thought there could be nothing worse. Even got a tattoo to remind me of that phase. It passed.

When I had my first miscarriage, I thought there could be nothing worse. There was a lot of crying, financial downsidens and extremel physical pain involved. There was a complete change in my life plans, God perception and confidence, or the lack of it. Yet I thought there could be nothing worse. And there was one more miscarriage. Before it could pass.

Standing where I stand today, earnestly praying and hoping that nothing surpasses this. No more worse life stories. Please. I am just so tired. Living in fear everyday. For my job, for my health, mostly for my job. Am I wrong to feel that way as a woman? Guess we'll never know. But Gods, if you exist, stop the circus. I CAN'T BREATHE.

Staaaaaaaph!

And a little but more...

Pain

Trauma

Depression

Never gets old. You experience worsts of traumas and yet, nothing scars like the first.

Painful then

Painful still

Trigger warning: Miscarriages and IVF Failures

I have forever written in gibberish until I did not. Today is one of those days where the sunflower wilts. Miscarriages, IVF failures and amidst a million injections and medicines, writing this because this is the only form of grieving that I know of.

The biggest problem of ART (Artifical Reproductive Technology) is the limited knowledge in people, that is for lack of empathy and understanding and the entire hush hush around it.

Your body breaks, your finances go for a toss, your heart breaks and you hold it together to live another day, take one more injection, say one more prayer.

You question, do I even like kids that much?

You wonder, how much more weight loss would have made the pregnancy viable?

You cry.

You chatgpt.

You worry about your full time job.

It's just sad that our tax regime does not have ARTs as a section of exception, it's sadder that there are no ART leaves. It's saddest that even after all of this, everything goes to where everything started. A big fat zero.

Tomorrow shall be a new day where we breathe and put up a normal face. Today, just questioning the Gods and their pointlessness of existence.

If you have read till here, Thank you! Hope this never happens to you.