If You'd Only Let It Be

There are times when you want to write and write more and you have so much to write about but you just can’t.
There are times when you just want to hold on and you have so much to hold on to but you just can’t.

This is one of THOSE times and no I am not inviting sympathy, empathy or pity from anyone in any form. Sometimes I do miss school. I am sure everyone does. We would just wake up on summer mornings hoping for the small mangoes to fall off everywhere on the grounds after a ‘Kalboishakhi’ night. Being in bus no 16, we were mostly the second set of bus students to reach school; the first were always bus no 14 people. Those silly little competitions of gathering the maximum number of mangoes and not gathering enough certainly was the ONLY disappointment I had in those times of fairytale living.

Yesterday I had a chitchat with Papu regarding all the possible problems of this age and he made one small comment, ‘Sukhe rakhi bhalo rakhi bhablei mushkil’, regarding a significant someone. Do we all think the same? DO we really feel the need and want to keep someone happy rather than our self selves? Maybe Yes. Maybe Not. Or maybe in the process of trying to make/keep someone happy we overdo things that make them just sad. Do we care? About anyone by ourselves? In this case?

One thing that I have noticed is that my post these days totally loses the track I start writing them on.

 Maa always told me being an obligation to someone is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone. The worst thing? When you just know that you are. They invented a term worse than the worst? It is when you become a pain in the A place (YES I am too pretentious the B word) to someone you wanted to give the world to.

There are days when you just would want to run away. Although I found the much loved and critically acclaimed ‘Into the Wild’ the most depressing movie EVER! I would just live to do that once. Just to check if anyone at all cares enough. Other than Maa of course. And then I would just change how the movie ended, walk back alive through the pretty sunset to you if you like. Or not if you don’t. I did talk about obligations.

It was a mad hectic day and this post shows! When I become old, I would surely be embarrassed to even mention about my blog to my grandchildren, the possibility of which is again bleak. Bleh! Listen to Lobo instead 

এক যে আছে রাজা... তার ভারী দুখ

21st March! World Poetry Day!

So today is the International Poetry Day. I got to know about the existence of such a day after I logged into facebook today.

I used to think I am quite a Poetry Stud (I don't think something like that exists! Judge me again) at school before I got to know others, quite a reality check that. Then came other this' and thats.

Yesterday we had a small communication practice at the German class where we were asked to introduce ourselves using the 5-6 points given to us. The last point being hobby. And I had no idea what to say. So what exactly is my hobby? Watching tv? Sleeping? Reading? Chatting? Surfing net? Painting? WHAT? I mean, I do none of these with the passion that one needs to pursue ones hobby with. In fact, I do nothing ever. Useless? Aimless? Boring? Yes I am and you are not welcome if you are here to judge me.

I thought I would say watching the rain or something more vague, thinking or, dreaming. By the time my turn came, I said writing. I just knew the German of writing. Hence. Counter question from the teacher being, writing what? And Ma'am gave me the German of story and because I asked, Deutsch of poetry too.

 And since she did. And since I somehow still am extremely proud of all that I wrote, and since I have a condition called I Complex eating my head these days, and also since today is World Poetry Day, I post the last line of a poem I wrote in 2007! Those were the days when I used to weave my stories :')

Don't judge me. Or maybe, do what you feel like.

"...
Will you always hold my hand
Even if I fail (you) in life's game?
Will you remember all these promises
When things will not be the same?"

-14th of September 2007
12:20 am

Cloud Story

Once upon a time, not too long ago, there were two clouds. Since they had difficult cloud names and we are stupid kids, let’s call them, Cloud A and Cloud B.

So soon after being born as the most beautiful things ever, they were appreciated and loved by all. They together went for strolls all around the world. They were light and carefree. They looked at the world from far above and were deciding which way to channelize their lives.

‘I liked the green all around. It attracts me deeply’ said Cloud B with love. He had never seen a prettier site. Cloud A agreed to the wholeness and beauty of the green lands. Who would not want to complement such beauty? Cloud B said ‘so let’s start our journey back to the green parts of the earth and spend the rest of our lives with happy togetherness?’  Cloud A looked worried.

‘What is it mate?’ Cloud B enquired ‘Do you not want the beauty and the whole?’
‘ Indeed I do. But that greenery deserves rain. It will destroy me. Destroy me to rain’
‘That is what we are meant for aren’t we, A? Clouds break to rain and become one with the land. That is how it should be. That is how you must prepare yourself. And when you fall in love with the land, you would want to be destroyed to make her happy’
‘I disagree with you. I am meant for happiness. I am meant for great things. I will travel far and wide. Love the sand, love the dunes. Atleast they will not expect me to change myself to some other form. It hardly ever rains there.’
‘That is impossible my friend. You must accept the reality and enjoy the few days that you have to live. I am going to green lands, they call me with love. You go to your dunes. And expect to never break down. Adios old friend. Will meet as rains’
‘That is quite an impossibility B, Goodbye’

 So finally A arrived to the desert. It had been long forsaken and the amount of love and gratitude received from those sand dunes made Cloud A instantly fall in love. The desert would listen to his stories and tell him hers. They found peace in difference. They loved what they got. 

The cloud told her of his plans of travelling far and wide. Of leaving all that is there and exploring places that would not change his form. Like the desert which is happy without rains, and she pretended to understand. Deep down inside the desert knew she has a lot of work to do. How did she fall for someone who would not quench her thirst? The cloud will have to fall as rain. Somehow. Anyhow. The desert knew she was selfish and knew that the cloud was not.

Thus began the journey of manipulating A. The desert spoke of her greatness and love. How she has suffered and what she dreams. She has been thirsty for years and nobody has ever cared to ask why, and now that there is a source, she must not let him go. The chains of emotions she had worked and the cloud fell. The dreams and visions of A changed. The plans of travelling far and wide seemed unwise. 

‘Who would listen to my stories if I am all alone? And would I be happy to travel alone? I may have to submit to the fury of the sun someday. Why not sacrifice for my love.’ A thought. Suddenly all his plans of never changing his form vanished. For he, was in love.

 Cloud A smiled. He knew he had to do it. Change him and be the rain. And as far as the desert was concerned, she was too much in love with the cloud to let him go and way too much in love with herself to let herself suffer any more. So the cloud fell. In love. And this time, as rain.

Does this necessarily mean the rain loved the desert still? Does it necessarily mean the desert soaked the rain not? Well kids! Do you believe in happy ending? You know what to infer. Do you find solace in sadness? You know what to infer. And as far as I am concerned, I would really like to know what happens. Really.

Unless Of Course

Do you love that song still?
The one that took my heart away?
With which you assured
That you are here to stay.

Do you promise these days?
About crimson dawns and violet nights?
To those new faces
Who get to share my rights.

Do you plan to come back?
Hold my hand again?
While I pretend to be angry
Till you wash away my pain.

I am alive,
So to say.
Soon would wrap the tall black coat
And bluntly walk away.

Unless of course...

-Abhishikta

“Obhimaan” and “Nyaka” are the two words in Bengali that I have forever wanted to translate to English. So my dear non Bong blog visitor, if there is any, this post is not really meant for you.
So, Obhimaan and Nyaka. The two most difficult words to translate. And together, when they become ‘Nyaka Obhimann’, the result can cause the world to turn upside down. Your world ofcourse! And maybe a bit of my world. Maybe the whole of it. Or maybe not. Who knows?

ভেঙ্গে মোর ঘরের চাবি নিয়ে জাবি কে আমারে ....

My Ego Boost Right Here!

Ego? Boost? Who needs?
Me! Wait. Me? What rubbish!

Besides isn't this about this cute boy with retarded smile and suber cute sad smiley?

Do I not have a frog face for like a century now?

Am I not shit talking?

And we were talking about being best?

For the right person?

For any person?

Ah!
Lucky boy!
Lucky boy with the retarded smile and super cute sad smiley.

Lucky boy with this thin girl with brown hair and fair arms.

I need sleep?
I needed to shoo away?
You think?
For your good?

Just to prove?

Ah!

Let me be the end of your rainbow...

Jiski Ki Biwi Moti Uska Bhi Bada Naam Hain? :D

Today, for ‘Shibratri’, while the women go foodless and happy at the prospect of  good husbands and uhmmmm... well... good husbands indeed, I started my day looking at the flab of fat that has accumulated in the last three months of sitting at home! I did blame it at the white colour that I was wearing, as suggested by the self proclaimed awesomeness. Yes it indeed was the white colour. But the flab that walked before me was a very ugly sight. Imagine spending the rest of your life in Kurtis not by choice, but because everything else makes you look like a football, And with this vertical extension, definitely a football. Now if you have ever liked the game where men is shorts show their hot or not so hot legs, and run after a ball, I have a chance. See! There is so much to look forward in life. Life is wonderful. And so are these offers that they provide at food places of and on. So munch on the ‘healthier’ sub with the healthy cheese on it, which of course is made from milk! And milk makes us strong! Yes! And suddenly I am one of those school seniors who have become ‘oshobbher moto mota’ after school.  And it is not even funny anymore.

All That You Need To know In Life

1. Women are NEVER wrong
2. They never say sorry!

Now that you know it, live with it :D

To All The Girls I've Loved Before

I first heard this song on the radio on a show called “Between the sheets” during school days when I used to solve Maths sums late at night. And you thought I am not a good girl. Huh.

So when I first heard this I was like 15 and thought what a cool dude the man is. Went out and down all the girls and still had the audacity of accepting it all. Back in those times the secondary school, sweethearts I saw were impossible to be separated and we even planned how their weddings would be and breakup was the next impossible thing. I never had a proper ‘love’ and all my likes and oohs and aahs lasted for 2 days and then phussss. I wondered what is wrong with me. So I loved the song, it became my love anthem and I thought that yes it is absolutely okay to have random crush at so many of the silly boys because when I turn 50, I would have something like this to write about my life and eventually nail the Nobel or at least the Pulitzer. Judge me :D

Years rolled. 2014. Valentines Week. The rj of the show “Between the sheets” posted this on his wall:

“ 

Anil Srivatsa

February 14

To all the girls I've loved before.... who've travelled in and out my door... I am glad they came along, but I dedicate this day (and this song) to just one girl I love to the core. Happy valentine's day my love! — with Deepali Srivatsa.

“

I was very very happy to read that. I have always loved Valentine’s Day. All those who constantly defend their morkotness behind the age old every-day-is-valentines-day, are idiots. There are special days which must be celebrated. So going back to the topic, this song! I heard the song the first time after leaving school on the 14^th of February this year, after reading that status. This time I felt like it is a sad song. Not a song for the stud as I used to think back then. You can actually imagine the morose and lonely singer sitting on the rooftop with his guitar and a bottle of whiskey while he sings this, remembering and contemplating life. Because all the fun and variety of youth would finally find their own destinations and the restless bee would be left alone, in one of those dark corners, where he will have life experiences galore but not someone to tell those tales to. Men, accept it, you need us. Today and tomorrow. The SAME us! 

My college is about to end. 2010-2014. And suddenly, there are break ups everywhere. A recently heartbroken friend concluded that men need immense amount of time to mature and hence she should have known this would have been the final outcome of weaving dreams with a classmate. I get those what-would-you-know looks when I try justifying the sticking around and trying more policies. With time everything loses its charm and then you hunt to find new ones and end up gathering experience, love and good time from everyone. Who likes extra baggage? Says the hep and smart society, says this song.

 Really? What are we? Pigs?

And then there are nice gestures and people who celebrate their nth year of being together. Happily? Sadly? Matters? 

I can just speak for myself. After the initial lets-try-to-be-cool-and-stay-out-of-love years, I have become this sappy, melodramatic idiot from B grade Bollywood movies. There is nothing cool or awesome or modern or reassuring about that. I believe in love and commitment and long term and everything else that is a turn off. And that stays! And about this song, I still love it.

The first rain!

WHITE PINK RED

^_^

“Some things you don't have to promise. You just do.” 
― Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

And since it is promise day, my favorite day of the Valentine's week (and yes I am quite fond of all the mush), I was wondering when was the last time I ever promised something, or kept it for that matter. NEVER.
I have been wanting people to promise something nice to me and then the sadist in me plans to give it to them the moment they break their promise. Because, come to think of it, we do break promises. All the time.
I am terrible with promises.
And then I came across this quote and wondered if one ever promises about the things that he or she must. No. But they do stick around and do things anyway. With pleasure. And I feel like using one of those cheesy fb status 'feeling blessed' things. Ignore the mush or ignore yourself. The pretty quote again,

“Some things you don't have to promise. You just do.” 
― Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Since I am jobless, I am going to write a detailed study. Since you are busy, you need not read this. Since you are judging me, bleh.

I have two major kinds of people flooding my facebook wall.

   1. The ones who are scared about the future job scenario

   2. The ones who are getting married

The ones who are scared about the future job scenario are again of three types

   1.1. The ones who got placed and did not get the offer letter

   1.2. The ones who got/might get placed and will not like the kind of job

   1.3. The ones who are struggling to bag the first job

Now there was a huge boom during pre and post Durga Pujo months about how people are getting placed and how they are grateful to this man and that woman for their success and all of the normal sappy status messages followed. Few months down the line people are now beginning to worry because the momentary happy feel has passed, the job security (almost) made them study NOT for the entrances to higher studies, no offer letter, let alone the joining letter has come and college is about to end. Then again there are the kinds who have been placed at companies, or the ones who know it for a fact that the kind of institutions they study in, they would bag a heavy reputation reflecting job in a month or so, if they want. Now the problem with this lot is the fact that they are not happy with the job. The soap bubble that they have forever lived in during +2 when they dreamed big and college days when they thought life is drama flick which would be designed the way they wanted, is bursting. Now this soap bubble is not like the plain dream bubble which when bursts would make you deal with reality. This is a mighty soap bubble which will make you cry with its little drops entering your dream zone and sucking it over. So hence comes all the frustration and depression of not getting the planned life. The third variety, the ones who are struggling to bag the first. Although they know it for a fact that once they get a job, the same frustration of sticking to the job, oiling and pleasing the seniors, lack of holidays, leaving city and that jazz would follow, but the momentary peace is missed. They have the acid comments from home (sympathy or anger) working against them. Thus follows the cutting down from friends and depression spreading all around.

So people have started to take pleasure in sadness. Self pity as I call it. Self pitying is absolutely ruining the world because people have actually started to enjoy doing it. Maa always called me an escapist because I like blaming somebody or the other for all my failure or unfulfilled desires, which are many. Now what I see her point when I find the whole wide world doing the same. God bless the handful who are happy and content and are complaining not.

Now about the ones getting married. They have three kinds of people, more specifically friends around them, commenting and sharing

2.1. The married friends for giving tips

2.2. The no plan to be married soon friends for ‘I-wish’

2.3. The no plan to be married soon friends for ‘why’

The batch that passed their class 12 from school in 2006! The didis of this batch have been getting married right from the beginning of 2013 and the process is on. Shreyoshi di, Angel di, Sudakshina di, Sreemoyee di, Baishakhi di, Srijita di and well too many. Now these didi-s have their married friends telling them not to get married. I have actually seen the friends coming out in public and telling them to go for love tests and compatibility tests and what not before getting married because they have had bad experiences themselves. The other set of friends have sighs and when-will-this-happening to me comments because they want to get married. The most irritating set of people in the whole scenario are these aunties, uncles, fathers, mothers and old school teachers pinching and commenting on the friends of the bride about when is their turn. The friends who genuinely do not want to get married right away (and this is just a handful of them) have fun counter comments and status’ to these get-married-soon-beta talks. This is the only bit that I have fun reading.

Since I have no work, I browse through all of this and come up with long blog posts that no one will probably read. I see my present and future in these people. Now you must be thinking I need a life because there are other fun and exciting things to do in life other than just thinking about jobs and weddings. Well yes right. Who likes strings being attached anyways?  But I am just this and this is all that I have been doing these days, other than weaving scenes of course. Oh and have you watched Yeh jawani and cried? No? You surely will not get the point that I tried to make then. I am not quite getting the point myself though. Winter is over and after the dreadful summer of 2010, I have absolutely no strength of facing the summer of 2014 with the same set of disappointments, if there are. Talking of disappointments, I think we have started to live with them long ago. I atleast have, so that also explains why I am not freaking out (well pretending not to) at the things that I should and writing this baseless random post! Except for that one cousin of mine who could commit suicide at a disappointment. I have always wondered about the mental state of people committing suicide. So these people lack courage or have extra courage to do what they do.  Gosh I am becoming old!

As my German teacher says, Tschuss!

P.S. This language actually has a vulgar tinge to it.

Oh and this amazing song that I even sing in my sleep these days

So, should I call you the winter?

Or the mighty winter sun?

Dare I name thee

Dare I call you my own

Yet when I pen you in my crimson tales

With the night dawning above,

All the doors just shut behind

Making way for love.

-Abhishikta

LOOP!

Happy Birthday! :)

Shukh Pakhider Shesh Asroy Shonar Khachay

Madly Bangali certainly is the Bangla movie that I've watched the maximum number of times and every time, every time I watch it, I get really really upset. Over? I don't know what. I think there was some other post on this movie in this blog. I happened to watch it first right after class 12 boards. Those were tough times. My joint entrance results were out and my rank was mighty 42369! HS results were not out yet and the WBJEE did wonders to my confidence. YES.
I was not particularly impressed with the story line or the acting or anything for that matter. The songs however I have loved. Each song of the movie sets in a happy gloom. When they sang 'Tania' at the end of the movie, at JU, I had dreams of joining JUDE. I really got glittery eyed at the song. When they sang 'Koto ki korar chhilo j', today, I remembered that late night at the Bilaspur station when I was actually out of options but join some random Engineering college at Chattisgarh. 'Maula' is probably the only happy song of the movie which instantly makes me sad.
The endless blabbering this late at night absolutely testifies how deeply this movie touches me every time. Few months down the line when and if I leave town, I know I would be hearing the two specific city based songs of the movie over and over again. When I learned how to make the chord shapes on the Guitar, the only thing that I looked forward to was this move and its songs. Not that I am saying these are extremely wonderful or technical or difficult for that matter. Today, one winter later when I brought out the dusty instrument out of case, I played them again.
When, which class I don't remember, we had Solitary Reaper with the last 'the music in my heart I bore' line (or was it Solitary Reaper?)  our English teacher gave us an essay to write on the most influential song of your life. I had nothing to write. Back then I thought some high figh ingriji song would make me look all cool and hep and wrote something on those lines. I wish we were given that thing to write today. Now that this post is slightly taking how-school-was-better turn, I would rather finish it here. Not that you care. Not that I care.
Ting.

Shake that tooh =D

This is again the year-that-was time!

2013 was good. Surprisingly good I meant. I actually went deep down on my superstitious pangs and thought 13 would be terrible. That is a common feeling before every year though. I still have the leaving home possibility, purple hair possibility, learning German possibility, earning money possibility, flunking semester possibility, being sidelined possibility for 2014, but all that is next year. So, as I was saying, 2013! I could write 2013 in pink, red and white and still feel it is not cheesy!

Good year. I got to live the little dreams. Lost a few new, old and very old people eventually but that realisation came later and sadness is still to empower. Lots of firsts and lots of lasts occurred this year. Every happy time that came, be it the vacations or the Pujo or this and that, I thought it would be the last and sad times are to follow. I was extremely worked up with the job scenario and the college condition, the entrance preparation or no preparation for that matter and the wasting of the extra money, the acid words that might follow and the eventual bad times. To God’s grace I was relieved somewhat by the end of Pujo around November. Lived the small experience of the mid night interview and the 24 hour long process, (in that pretty looking village highway college) that I had always heard of from people of better colleges. Although the final results are still bleak but that was a major high of the year. 2014 might shatter this all but 2013 was kind enough for this first. Various others firsts on the lines of oneness and another major high of 2013 would also be always remembered and cherished. Initial turmoil, doubts and living under wrong impressions apart, I could not have asked for more. Although the crossroads and decisions and forceful growing up that is to follow a few months into 2014 might just change a lot of equations, but ignoring all that, 2013 has been memorable. I felt lost and happy and very very jealous and loved and blessed and forsaken and forgotten and angry and relieved and worried and shattered and butterflies and jealous and small and happy and content and impatient and worried and satisfied and shy and good and same and surprised and yahoo and thankful and wonderful and jealous and happy and loved.

Looking back, I would always call 2013 as a transition year. Although most of the happy additions of 2013 will have their major formative period of sustenance in the year next, I cannot thank the year more for all that it gave to me. Some sad moments and tears apart, I would really like to hold on to this year in the final moments and kiss it a happy Bbye. Thank You! 

Have a great year ahead. For you and for myself, let there be faith and love.

24th December

Like every year, they would fly their orange robes and feel proud.

24th December

Like every year, I would crib and complain and know where I belong or don't in this case.

24th December

I woke up to get my article rejected while they study literature and create history.

24th December

Today.

Sadma :D

One of the most heartbreaking scenes in the history of cinema is the last scene of Sadma. I have never really watched the movie in full in one go, but in bits, pieces and parts, I have. The surmayee ankhiyon mein being the loveliest lullaby ever. So as I was saying, heartbreaks!

I talk of heartbreaks today after a heavy dose of swearing at all men folks the entire evening. There was one transition from school to college where everybody became single to get into new relationships, a similar transition is about to happen is six months and people are making ways to get rid of all the bonds for making new ones. That is not a bad a thing. Not a very good one though. Who am I to judge anyway?

Hrittik and Sussane were my perfect couple and they are parting ways. They even have the same tattoos. Silly I know but that is my take on it. And come to think of it, if they can, anybody can. The male take on this issue is the fact that both of them are good looking people and would find different and more compatible partners. Love is a part of life. Not life itself. I don’t completely agree to this though. Well.

This was another agenda of the evening gossip. And everybody agreed hands down to the fact that men are less attached in any relationship and it is just very easy for them to break the strings and start afresh. They find their contentment and moments from here, there, somewhere, anywhere. I speak like an ultra feminist? You don’t agree? Well either I meet exceptional men or you do.

This post in no way is about me or my heartbreak. God has been exceptionally kind lately and I have never been happier. The existence of the timeline that people spoke of today did scare me a bit. I live in hope and trust. The evening was also about those warnings and advises which I gladly laughed at. I hope that stays.

And the scene I was talking about. Of forgetting. And heartbreaks. 

Random Rambling.

I have always been a fan of trains! Not the local trains and definitely not the ac compartments of all other trains (the Rajdhani Express and all the childhood excitements of ‘khabar debe’ being an exception though). So when you get to feel the chill of winter almost on the train window (which again happens provided you don’t have angry middle aged daddy figures and delicate same aged darlings around) you feel plain happy. And for a moment, you can just forget how your world is a tad bit upset. This time, I also got to see an almost full moon! The sneezes and rolling nose follows soon enough but nothing like those moments of strong wind gushing through your dandruff and right cheek. It was an equally happy experience the first and only time when I had my EKA EKA going to Chhattisgarh last year.

Why I write this today? Because I have absolutely nothing to do. Semester is over and everyone around have exams or work or extensive joint family troubles or are too busy getting all irritated. So THIS.

And also I would be absolutely mainstream in saying I got the much awaited letter and unlike many aging people around, I felt happy! The letter and the happiness are absolutely gift wrapped to me and I take no credit in anything whatsoever. God had just been extremely kind on that one day and night, which makes a day. Whatever that meant. And when you have good people by your side all the time, quite literally this time, somewhere deep down, you really start touching wood, all the time. This made no sense yes! I care NOT.

Since you are THIS jobless to read THIS far, let me also wish you a very happy December. Decembers have never been kind though. Be blessed this time. Have Fun. How I miss the school Christmas parties where Santa would give us ‘pora’ cake, one big komola lebu and a git. Every year! And this post abruptly ends. Here.

And whichever world it is that you are in, find love and give love.
Not always, not everyday, but you are missed.
Very much.

She would sleep late every night,

Holding him tight and near.

As she always watched him sleep,

Locked the door and held her dear.

-Abhishikta

Preference, what a good looking word when you write on with an ink pen on a crisp white paper. A handsome looking word- “Preference”.

I say handsome because I imagine ‘Preference’ as a strong man in black tuxedo, standing tall and unbendable. Ever persistent ever present. Although one can start to admire other men around, nothing would last because they, unlike ‘Preference’ are not timeless.

The little nerdy would also point to the precedence table that has been heard of, so often, all through the last seven semesters. Preference Precedence Table be the new man in the territory. The heart knows the table well.

The first remain the first which in turn could either be a very good or a very bad thing. Theory of relativity? I have been a royally certified nerd? I care? Anymore?

Love, dreams, aims, promises, wishes, expectations- the words around which our world rotates. All shall disappear. Because that handsome and good looking man in black would give one killer look. And the world will turn upside down.