THIS IS TO SHOUT OUT AND SAY THAT I AM A RATHER DRAMATIC PERSON AND I NEED TWO SPECIFIC PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO THEM WITH PATIENCE AND I HAVE NONE AROUND TODAY. I AM OFFENDED. I AM SHOCKED. I AM ABSOLUTELY ANGRY. AND I KNOW. NOBODY CARES. I DONT CARE EITHER.I THINK. WHATEVER.

...for

You were always afraid when the sun rose,
Afraid it would never set in,
Afraid the songs would remain unheard,
Afraid this would burn your wings.

...and

When the sun went down,
Afraid it made you then,
For the light, the warmth, the wasted times,
That you believed you would never see again.

-Abhishikta Chakraborty

To undying love :)

Someday I hope I would be able to forgive Anjan Dutta and Chetan Bhagat for giving me unrealistic ideas about love and life.

Have a wonderful time all you lucky people who get to be red white and pink today :)

Goodbye my lover Goodbye my friend. Not forever. Never. See You Soon. Maybe.

Today officially ends my continuous staring at random people all over the city, especially the Kalikapur connecter and then Safui, every evening. Yes, I do dislike surprises but this particular one would not have hurt. I do not know if I should be happy or sad about the harsh truth that I would no longer turn back at every known street of South Kolkata hoping. I was never as disappointed as today. I had a pretty amazing evening before all of this tearing me apart though. I must not complain, I must not complain.  

The customary alternate Friday evening sessions did fill my heart with the little happiness today after a rather difficult day, yes. Such lovely live jam would take your heart away as well. There was also this pre-evening secret session at one of the meeting rooms, because one of us would be off to Bangalore, by choice to his special one of course. All the boys started off with Bela Bose and then came the scenes to me

Empty early morning streets a year and two months ago when I heard the same song and I have never been that touched

Busy streets around two weeks ago when I was sure I would hear the same song and I have been living in hope since

Yesterday Gaurav’s BIIIIG smile at the Pune hardlock because ‘6 saal se peechha kar raha hoon uska ab toh saath saath’

All these young men who sang Bela Bose today made me numb. I definitely saw a teardrop somewhere at the meeting room today. I kept on wondering how many of them have claimed and sang this song. How many would sing the same songs again somewhere someday and how many would actually live upto the claims once made. I do not know if I should be saying this but I have actually started to be very very jealous of people. I keep on thinking my life was exactly like theirs, maybe even better. Chasing is never good they say. Sigh.

So.

Goodbye my lover

Goodbye my friend

I have never stooped lower. Neither would I ever reach up to the level of ever so tall you. No wonder why! NO WONDER WHY! However, I live in hope. Of a ladder coming in or heights bending in. Hope is a destructive thing they say. I hope they are wrong. I hope. 

Oh Babe

I have always believed that most of the songs all around the world are made in such a way that boys have more options in dedicating songs and get the girls go dhak dhak. I actually used to worry that I won’t have too many songs to dedicate to my man. The only good thing, there would still be enough dedications to me! My life was set that way.

Seasons changed, situations changed, life became a third grade Bollywood flick (not that I don’t have Bollywood in my blood *smirks*), I saw this jet plane on the clear blue Spring sky of Rajarhat today and dedicated this song to myself, because no one else did, because no one else would, also because I deserve this song to be dedicated to me, this time around.

Ughhh!

Tomorrow happens to be my granddad’s birthday! Well, in most of the households, days like these are not quite huge affairs but my Dida, who did not know her birth date, made sure that Dadu’s birthday and their wedding anniversary ofcourse is remembered and celebrated, in their own sweet way, nomatter whichever of their children is in whichever part of the country.

I remember being too shy and out of words to be more apt, on one of their anniversaries and the kind of upset that made her. So the point being, tomorrow is the first birthday of Dadu, in all these years when Dida would not be around cooking all her favourite food on his birthday. I would not be calling him first thing in the morning to ask what be the plans for the day to which his normal answer would include a looooong list of food items starting with keema shingara.

I am sure Maa would arrange for all the good food in the world tomorrow to which he would say ‘ei boyeshe r koto khabo’, I am sure Chintudada’s phone call from Pune would make him very happy, I am sure he would he would secretly bring out the alcohol that he got as a gift, however, I cannot even imagine the kind of missing that would happen to him tomorrow.

In my few days of all-spring-around, I know the kind of hurt and tears I experience with every OliveSub, every IceCream, every PoorJoke, every DirtyFantasy, every LongWalk, every HappyThing, every SadThing, every SunRise, every SunDown, evey MidNight turning me to a depressing zombie, I cannot even imagine the kind of hurt he must face after 52 years of mutual love without boredom creeping in, ending it all. If single ticket dreams can break me so bad even without the engagement of death, I was just trying to imagine the breakdown he must have had after years of double ticket happy life which was snatched and he could do nothing about it.

These are the days I miss Dida the most. I keep on wondering how different things would be had she been around. I would run and tell her what happened and she would shower her one million blessings which would instantly calm me down because I was sure God listens to her, all the time. Otherwise how else do you think I survived B-Tech? Aaj thakle amar ei obostha hotona! I remember how she always told me to wear the MataRani pendant on a day, that she gave me and how I would look perfect. I wish she was around to see what is possible and what is slowly turning out to be impossible. She could make impossible possible. I believed. I wish she was here still. I wish. Most importantly, I wish she was around for tomorrow atleast. And everyday.

Sigh

Tests of Time?

Drop botheration
Seek blessing
Hope strongly
Pray endlessly
Whine continuously
Cry secretly

And repeat!

The distant song suggestions from Ahmedabad can make you more miserable even though you are amazed how much you can relate to it. Rito's out of the blue 'old school people do not understand lust-power-money-ego' will distract you a little yes, but not for too long.

However,
you know, you just know, things would be JUST how you think they would be. For ever and ever and a little while more :*
Please?

Tomay Dilam Aaj

For the first time in the last 15days, I did not think of a certain thing for some time yesterday, when the all so cool Friday jamming session was on and Thank God the Ankitas were all too eager to stalk the overrated drummer who eventually did not play yesterday. But, what talented people all around my GAWD!

I had been missing the college fests, other than the forever ghyan ghyan topic yesterday morning itself and my otherwise gloomy day ended on a 2 minute of happy music evening, until they started with the super prolonged “kokhon tomar ashbe telephone” where Aniket-Chire duo killed it of course but I do not exactly enjoy the lyrics that I relate to these days! Brings me a few teardrops or a prolonged sigh and silence, these songs, especially Mohiner Ghoraguli. But that does not take away the fact that I would forever remember yesterday for giving me my one moment of smile in a long long time.

Accenture, Thank You!

Also, this song that I did not know existed. Depressing and Hopeful song. Oxymoron much? Also, I think they played it better than original yesterday. Also :(

Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

I wonder at times, at most times ‘these days’, which would probably last till I am off to hell and most unfortunately.

I would have received a little genuine love if I did not bring back that empty bottle of coke from Domino’s home. So LS that was! I know, I so know. Now. How Maa was always right when she told me people will judge and run away because of these things, these small things that I never cared about before doing or saying for that matter and I told her to shut up, always because I am so stupid.

How different and love rich life would have been if I liked coffee. I mean who hates coffee? It is THE most posh and cool thing around. How would people ever love someone who does not love coffee? How would they connect? See! Take lesson dear reader, if any, any at all. Drink coffee and alcohol. Try going to the GYM atleast, before you get too fat and ugly to be loved anymore. TODAY!

If I listened to Maa and got more friendly with the skipping rope during the ‘growing’ years, or skipped that weekend nap and gone for a facial more recently, that would have made me a little more perfect, a little more eligible? Oh yes! Of course. I could have taken up cooking atleast. Cake baking? Gurer Ice cream making? Kichhui j parina!

 Ever wondered how you always know the answers to your “why me” questions?

Happy People Depress Me -_-

Belief and Disbelief

It's the same look with which S leaves Unitech Gate2, sharp at 6pm, still checking the right side for the apologetic visit from Erricson which she believes would happen, every fucking day.
It's the same look with which I check the whatsapp notifications, swiping it down, throwing it away, disappointed but still believe it would be there just the next time for sure, every fucking time.

Oh Dear Life! You could be a little less cruel :)

There is a great person, who claims, there are two ways to be loved:

1. Look well

2. Cook well

Oh well well well :D

Cheers to the year that lived up to its name! Do Hazar Chauda! P.S. No Fluffy Coochiness Included

Year of deaths and immense shock.
Year of my first 9 and immense responsibility.

Year of missed days and immense hurt.

Year of my first job and immense peace.

2014

You end up with winter rain and a LOT of fog. 

Both literally and figuratively. 

Bye Bye

*waves and hibernates back, under the blanket*

Agle saal milenge doston aur dushmano :*

Reaching Up To You

Years of headstrong love.

Months of silent faith.

Trials many trails few.

Everything falls short.

In the repeated attempt

Of reaching up to you.

Men Oh Glorious Men!

I keep on saying that I am the man of my life partly because I want to feel self sufficient (even though I swear by feminism, I was expecting a man to complete me once? Oh well) and partly because I do not have much of an option.

This particular song has this particular line that has been bothering me for quite some time. Now that I have a little time and happy lone times, I shall contemplate over it.

So this line says, ‘kisika toh hoga hi tu, kyun na tujhe main hi jeetu’

Like really?

I know I have actually been giving way too much importance to certain men and all that jazz but... uh... really? Jeetna parega? Dafuq!

Gone are the days when people would mutually fall for each other and spend their whole lives together and now is the time for winning them over before someone else does? And these bunch of insensitive dirt we call men! What do I tell you! Looto!

To be very honest, it would be wrong to throw up blame balls on the entire clan of men because I have seen nice, sober, dependable men as well. As I always say during my long conversations with myself, just because you have a bad luck with men, it does not necessarily mean the entire men clan is bad. Maybe some of them are worth winning over. Who knows.

I do not whole heartedly agree that one really needs to win over a man. However good for people who do and succeed (do I sound like one of those who do not try doing the same? Such a hypocrite I am no? See! I told you to stay away). Who likes sour grapes anyway!

As for now, I am just happy to peel off oranges with winter sun on my back. Waiting for that one day when someone would actually win me over, want to at least, and more importantly, not be ashamed of it. 

Trick question. Find 3 instances of hypocrisy in this post. You get nothing though. It would just prove your lack. Come on. Give me LACK competitions :D

Or, my non dear, just totally ignore my post, the vague shit I wrote, the controversial lyrics and concentrate on Shahrukh’s abs and neck *_*

My Annual Hyanglami Day

Aabdaar er odhikaar!
Thakuk kingba naai thakuk.
Kothata shonay kintu besh.

Koshish! Ek Asha :)

Human Nature! What a mysterious thing it is.

It was yesterday night, at around this time, I was almost sure I will lose the job, the love, move out of everyone’s life slowly to skip the sympathy looks and today, this moment, I am happy and hopeful again.

Happy because after two months and 9 days exactly, after several RTs and this’ and thats I now have a ‘firm foot’ at Accenture. They did not throw me out afterall. The people who were with me all this while would know how much stress I took, how much of cheek fat I lost. Quite a fight it was. It really was a fight. It took a lot of bravery and I am very proud to announce that even though I was THIS close to giving up, I did not. I had wonderful and supportive people around. So that was a bonus. Thank you. Yes YOU. Who knows what happens tomorrow. Today, I am just satisfied. I can feed myself now. No ‘need’ of a man. The ‘want’ factor? That is a topic for tomorrow.

Hopeful because there is a slight chance of living a life like everyone else for me too, suddenly. Maybe not. But maybe! I am talking optimistic! Surprise Surprise! Today morning itself I said in my prayers that I won’t ask for anything else this year, yet now, I have a million prayers and a few wishes again, Human nature remember?

A longer post sometime soon. For today. Much love, luck and good health to everyone. God Bless.

Also, this video. Which kept us going. Actually. Especially yesterday when everyone almost broke down. And then came today when a someone bent down to say his prayer after the mass pass. Not a moment later. Miracles do happen. And You, let there be ‘koshish’. Pretty Please.

फिर क्यूँ मेरे हाथ अँधेरे लगदे ने

Aur Kya!

Bubble Burst

What if I tell you,
You are the side actress, not the actual heroine with perfect hair, length and perfect life?
You are the side kick. No no. Don't get me wrong. You are not one of the group dancers in the background. You are one who drinks coffee in the coffee shop where the hero proposes to her for marriage and you clap, you could also be the passerby in the scene where the hero first lands back after a year of staying away to a certain group of people he missed.
You are the Suchitra Pillai of Dil Chahta Hai, you are me.

To the only man, who love(s/d) me. Without me having to beg for it of course.

I hope you are doing well, with the slight limp. I hope they don’t make fun of you like I did.

A day too late, that too because I had my temper run, but I am sure you would understand like always. Not everyone keeps me that happy. Not everyone is you. Much Love and Bhuttas to you.

Bhalo theko.

You Should = You Could <> You Would

On Prothom Oprappo Chakri Maybe.

Corporate Life!

Where to start from and where to end? You see and feel things new. You start off with formals and ironed clothes only to find yourself in shabby kurtis, running your way through, to make it in time a month later.

Everything starts and ends here at luck, which again is a heartbreaking reality, except for people who are genuinely interested in the industry. For the others, if you

• ·         Do not have to pay for your girlfriend’s bills
• ·         Do not plan to marry
• ·         Do not feel the need to make your family feel proud of the ‘job’
• ·         Have parents to sponsor you throughout
• ·         Have genuine talent to make it big alone,

This industry is not for you. I have known it the day I started off with coding that this industry is not for me, yet, it breaks my heart day in and out when I see people, worse than me, just getting lucky and happy. A major luck driven industry this is!

Other than, to be very honest, it gives you fair share of perks! One ID card ad you get to enter bays, protected areas, huge cafeterias, city like office campus, 5 stars and what not. I have spent a huge amount of my two months into corporate life observing people. Observing ‘similar’ people. This similarity makes us the odds though. Also, I do not like the whole new fake level that people belong to. Here.

I remember the comment, ‘now you too are a part of the office crowd, bheer toh hobei’. That bheer makes me observe people with the same blank expressions, sleeping with the headsets plugged in. You also watch these young and thin women in trackpants, very early in the morning, waiting with their daughters for the school bus and hope that someday, you will earn enough luck and love to have a life like that. You also see women driving their way to work and secretly wish, someday!

This particular life can turn you so mad that you start thinking of quitting and living off on the money, your 40 year old Brahmin takla arranged bor would earn, till Maa comes and gives you a ‘amar meye hoye erom kotha bolchhish’ dose and you are back to career struggling. It gives you days like last Wednesday as well, when you actually stare at the screen that says 95 and for a moment, for a very brief moment, you actually cry those happy tears. After two consecutive weeks of consistent tears. Come to think of it, even the array of possible and impossible love has not given me the amount of tears that Accenture has. So corporate life has taught me public crying. Not that I am particularly happy about this wannabe-ness that I have developed.

Yet, when I see Maa flaunting the watch, or proudly announcing that I work somewhere, the guilt and long tolerated 42369 somehow gets washed off. I was thinking of writing a better corporate life note after being permanent but I have a secret fear of either resigning or being thrown away. So, today, just today, I would like to be thankful to all the gods and well wishers for this one job, which made me experience so many things together. Amidst all the trying-to-fit-in-to-the-sophistication, I cannot even begin to explain the kind of happiness the sarakchhap Vada Pao gave me today.

A clean pair of leggings and small studs are all that I can manage to work in the 30 minutes of bhor bela. Someday I would also go to work in straight hair, white face and have someone else paying my bills. Till then, I hope this job stays.

Like they always say,

‘You are an adult now. And your day has just started.’

And nomatter how small you make me feel by words off and on, I suddenly feel brave for struggling through it all. Very very brave. And I know I am! 

Barite Eshe Bolechhilam Oder Bhalo Hok :)

A Year Since

Someone sang Bela Bose to me!

Period.

Design Your Life!

Well this was the topic for the entire first half of today when I, after a long long time, probably the first time after my +2 days of Vernacular tuitions, actually sat there in awe and absorbed so much! I was absolutely mesmerized at this woman, fat, glowing, beautiful, who married her love from school at 22, now is 40+, still working, living with the same man and still very happy.

Now you may be wondering my company has no other work than this shit, well, I have a detailed write up on corporate life which I would post a few days later. For now, I am completely mesmerized at what I saw and heard.

A lot of things she said, a lot of things she suggested and later told us to decide on a retirement age! Isn’t that 60? No! When she said retirement, she meant retirement from the absolute professional commitments. The age when, if you want to wake up the next day and decide that you don’t want to go to work and go to the Himalays instead, it would still be okay. The company would fire you right? But you won’t care as you are okay with coming back and joining a company with one-fourth of your current pay because you know you have planned the rest of your life in a way where you would still live happily, with all your madness. Whether it is making the husband work while you have the ‘luck and luxury’ to be the princess, whether it is working for self and by self and having a good saving account, whether it is smart investment or anything! Got my point right? Not leaving work completely. Working when you feel like and not working when you don’t. So we were asked to decide on such a time and work accordingly to get that kind of life. I decided on 40. The how of it comes later.

The next nice part was about the wedding. Now, yes, there was just one girl who did not want to get married and wanted to continue a live in with her current “BIHARI” boyfriend. She was given a nice little lecture on the difference of thinking that one is committed and actually being committed. The beauty of marriage if you find the right partner! She convinced Adrija that if it is love, and actual love, she would change the way she thinks otherwise, gondogol has. I would have whistled at the psychology theory with which she explained. There was this other guy who had no girlfriend and did not want to marry but develop a rural something. He was encouraged. Most of us agreed on 27-29 as the ‘biyer-shomoy’ (other than Gaurav who was stuck with his point ‘khud ki girlfriend chahiye toh 26 warna 28 toh kisi aur ki girkfriend hi milegi”) which, according to Sumita, our trainer for today, gave us the next 5-6years for the “WE-TIME” as she called it after which we would be “home” for people. People would come back to us. She explained how that is not a bad thing. Being responsible and dependable is not a bad thing. Work life balance remember? To live a full life, we need to live a full life. There was also this part about how opposites attract but make horrible couples, a reminder to the theory I made long ago. Scared me a bit though.

She kept n saying, it is one life and we need to live it right! All the time. So there was this another question related to it that made us answer, what is that one thing that money can buy that we fancy the most? The range of answers had cars, bikes, treks, shoes, continents and what not! So much to do, so little time! The baseline was, designing! Designing the life well. The pride in Vella-panti that we glorify, design that well also. I would miss these sessions if I lose the job the next week!

The technical parts of it like tax calculations, work hour division, extra income and investments bleh. The second half of the day about personal changes and goal settings and serious professional things, which again, bleh! I was so wanting to make certain people come sit and listen to her. I so miss the literature classes of school! I so wished to come home and tell Maa. This was when I realised what Sumita meant when she said we will become “home” like our mothers and fathers are now, for us. So much to think. I actually went into this deep deep mind vacation and hence almost lost the multiplication game. The long walk to home with Anupam Roy singing “Shob pele noshto jibon” (YES I listen to Bangla gaan and you can go die) to an otherwise empty home which would stay that way for a long long time, and would probably never change back to its former self­­­­­ was heavy, very very heavy! One day, I might actually go to this secret place that I have decided upon and become a nun without letting anyone know. Not that anyone would care anyway.

 P. S. There is a very impressive 20-80 theory. I shall explain soon!