Not

Damn, the lights.
Dim the lights
Not.

Oh Snap :(

Go Kar Na

Best of all worlds, as I called Gokarna! Which also happened to be one of my most satisfying trips

Taking an overnight bus through Bangalore, on a Friday night, sneaking out of office and somehow reaching Yeshwantpur-a killed N. I’ve never seen the woman so worried, all thanks to her extensive pre tour date and my battery. It was R’s birthday weekend and I had just somehow saved my job so a trip was necessary and sick leave was out of question. The bus arrived, we found washrooms, no hot boys around and thus we started, Go Go GoKara :)

With a very satisfying DCB dinner and extensive non sensical discussions, the night grew deeper, R and Pdi shifted to their coupe and the goodnight ended in the small little place. The man of the group N, fixed it all with an autowala and there we began! Again.

Now there is this thing about Gokarna. If you are a group of enthusiastic bouys please stay in shacks and live your life, if you are group of girls who have very little time and money but want comfort Gokarna could be a tricky place to find staying places. Thanks to Pdi’s teammate and his guidance, we found this super awesome beachside hotel. The name of the beach is Middle Beach and they would call it as ‘Medley’. The crowd is all Russian, these people wake up early and go off to bed by 9-9:30. Our host was extremely happy to see Indian faces because all that you can see here, the Middle Beach, are Russians. Yes boys, yes, it is exactly what you thought. Somehow managing to stop R from sleeping and farting and finishing off with our breakfast in this cute little shack, owned by the hotel, we started off with the auto-wala N had potao-fied to Kudle.

Kudle is a clean and nice beach, there are mostly foreigners (and you will ALWAYS be overdressed) and you are going to love it if you go during an off season. The water is clean and everything around is green. The hippies would smoke weed but you would never find the supplier. Caution: carry whatever you want! The catamaran ride from Kudle is nice and if you’re as lucky as us, you would even find Dolphins in the dark blue water! If you have time and good company, try doing the catamaran ride at the sunset. And if you are as unlucky as us, you won’t get water sports.

There is a trail of Paradise beach, Half moon beach and Om beach which you can of course trek. Carry food, shoes, water and plan your time properly. Otherwise catamaran ride to all these is equally fantastic. One of the most amazing moments of this trip was the jump into the water, half a meter to Paradise beach (an otherwise deserted beach now because of some rape scene as our boatman mentioned).  I have hardly ever felt so alive, all by myself, with so many unknown equally enthusiastic people! We ended our trail at Om Beach.

Now, this Om Beach is called so because it looks like ‘Om’ from high up, which you would get to see because to reach the road from Om is a stairway trek which will make you tired, especially on a sunny day after so much chahal pahal.

We trekked up to the auto stand and had this big fat fight with the auto-walas. Very pissed and thinking of ourselves as god-knows-what, we started walking down the road. Thereafter we realized that there is just one road and Om to Middle beach will take the entire day if we try walking. Going back was also not an option after the kind of fight that we had, no other auto which was coming towards the beach agreed to take us because they were too scared of the auto leader we fought with. The sun was right above our head and I had already started feeling dizzy, the cold water bottle from Namaste and four of us were LOST! R and I were sent to find help, towards Om. I knew it for a fact that I would not bend down, thankfully, an autowala was going home for lunch and he, somehow, agreed to drop us. I still do not know why he agreed and exactly what had happened but yeah, thank goodness! So one small tip for everyone who is visiting this place, avoid heated arguments with the locals. They have string network and they are very very united. No matter who is right, YOU are wrong and you cannot survive without their help, cause it’s a deserted place anyway.

Lunch and raater jonno mach bhaja order, and the initiative was entirely our hotel wala-s later, we jumped into our private beach. Now, I’ve seen a LOT of beach and bathed in LOT but this beach was entirely different. We lied on our front at the shore for I don’t know for how long and I was completely at peace. You can easily swim a little in the water if you go a little inside, however, beshi pakamo merona if you do not know swimming. One thing about Middle Beach is, you will ALWAYS find these Russians doing yoga here and there. But yes, there is hardly any crowd and you can spend hours bathing all by yourself, in the calm waters with occasional waves. We were there till sunset and I have never experienced something more surreal. The tan that you’ll get is another tangent but then, how does it matter.

The evening was for the overhyped Namaste Café, at Om. I was not too keen on visiting Om after what had happened in the day but it was Rs birthday treat so, we started off. Passing village, local market, temple, road, Kudle, the auto-wala would take an empty hilly road with dense trees here and there. This is the same deserted road that we had taken in the morning before we resigned. At night, it looked dangerous. There was not a single person or light. Just one auto-wala and four of us. I had watched Angry Indian Goddesses the night before and the morning fight actually scared me. Goosebumps you’ve felt? I actually had Goosebumps in the last 30minutes of the auto ride when he took us zip zap zoom through the hilly roads, no street light, no human being! Getting down at Om, before this downwards trek to actually reach the beach was this autostand again. The leader we earlier had a fight with was dancing with a bottle of beer with few others over some south Indian song. Without even looking at them we started taking the steps downwards. Now this trek too, had NO light and we kept checking if someone is following us. With Ns super hot dress, I was all the more worried. Finally, the descent ended to Namaste Café which again had glitz and lights and breeze.

Namaste Café is an overhyped place. Thank God we were too broke to stay there. The food was good. N spotted some random group of guys staring at us and we were irritated only to find it was Soham from college trying to be sure if it’s me. We of course requested him to walk us till the auto stand while going during the up trek and he of course agreed and of course disappeared at the time of need, like most men do! No complains, just that we should not have asked him for any favor in the first place. The food was good, a girl was singing and the breeze by the sea was perfect. Our auto wala was sweet enough to wait till we completed our food because he said he just knew we would not be able to make it back. When he reached back up, and I saw him, besideethese drunk Om autowalas with dirty looks, I could hug him in relief. Back to Middle finally!

It was close to 11 and the hotel people had slept off. They said booze is allowed by the beach, they said we could play whatever song we want in the shack. We played songs and danced inside the empty shack. When we got all tired, the owner gave us a guitar and he himself played the Banjo and something else (drums? Check for yourself). He talked of life and love and sea :)

He left soon after and I went aloof with the guitar, N joined later and we had similar love disappointments and tears to shed, which of course, we would not and could not in the daylight for we were scared to disappoint each other. R and Pdi did some heart to heart in some other beach kona. When we all realized that we would not be able to reach up after sometime and it’s too late, room it was.

N of course swore away to glory at A-dada and Pdi did not mind as always. I HAD to demean myself over the phone and so I did. God knows when the night ended and we missed the planned sunrise snan. Checked out after breakfast, visited the temples and local shops, bought happy clothes, bargained, met hippies and Pdi left soon enough. Oh we also pushed our last auto from the dust and dirt after it was down and broke the hind glass. We were left in the shack for the entire afternoon with sea and other travelers who came with their stories till it was time for us to leave at well, 5pm exact!

The return journey was tiring for we had hardly slept in the last 72 hours. N fainted the moment we stepped at Bangalore. However, I was very very pleased with the trip. For the leisure, and the fun, for the sea and the sun. I do not know if it is a place to go with family but with friends, a MUST, especially if you can do without posh hotels and expensive food! You shall find laal maati and temples and hills and sea and high and waves and breeze and pilgrims and foreigners and love and peace, PEACE! :)

रोके ज़माना चाहे, रोके खुदाई

XY.XY.2013
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25.03.2016

Chhotto Teep, Khola Chul, Halka Haashi, Holud Paanjabi, Oh Shohor! Por Por Premer Dudin Tomar. Mone Rekho :)

I do not know if it is good thing or bad when you start to think of your blog post title is ‘Vasant Panchami’ rather than ‘Saraswati Puja’. Or even when after wanting to write something on ‘Promise Day’, all you have is a sigh and go off to sleep.

First Saraswati Pujo that I missed, deserves a mention? Most definitely. Maa shifted the Pujo from my room to ek tola for her arthritis and ‘eka-eka-ami-parbona’. The thakur looked smaller this year. Nobody visited home and Maa went all sad. I have made it a resolution not to ever EVER miss Sarawati Pujo again, even if it costs my kidneys (bad joke? What would you rich people know!).Doddavare! I finally managed onjoli in this land of mixed breeds and horrible traffic, managed to wear yellow (and the gaal looked and are, GOL). The Puja grounds had all Bangalis and when we first heard the montro in Bangla from the crossing, we glee-ed and shouted and attracted Kannada attention. The ground had all Punjabi wale Bangali men (one look that still makes me LOOK at men) and very pretty Saari clad Bangali women, everyone talked in Bangla. There also were babies in dhuti and puchki saari-s for their haate khori. I was so much at peace that for once, I could close my eyes and still feel all Bangali. Add that to BhojoHori Manna and I could die in peace today that moment! I wonder how it must have been back home today? This also marks my second no Saari wala Saraswati Pujo. I can still remember those days when Saraswati Pujo evenings were all about Bihan's singing and Dyutiparna di's dancing at Aunty'r chhad. Or the random jhari. Or that one glimpse of THE one in Saari/Paanjabi. Ekhon shudhu 'mod hobe naki bhai?'. Too bad no? I know! But then, who would have known I would make it to this year Sarawati Pujo? Ei onek! Girl of little demands you see? That also reminds me, my lead said ‘girl kya? Baby hai team ki’ and that took me on a different tangent. Jak. Onek holo you also think no? Anyway.  Onek chubby cheeks too. 

Valentine’s week it was and by the time I post this it is going to be Valentine’s Day already. Forced Amit out of his meeting to get me a Silk on Chocolate Day because I did not have Maa around this time and the thought of buying me a chocolate on Chocolate Day (the only day of the Valentine’s Week I celebrate diligently) is utter depressing.  Tried coloring the entire team in red/pink/white on Friday and Thank You whoever listened to me and wore the colors, even the big boss who very convincingly nodded saying he forgot. So whom did I give little notes and chocolates for Valentine’s Day? The entire bunch of married MEN from the team who were rather amused at my ‘lets-celebrate-valentines’. And of course to my two saviors from GFT, one of whom again, spoils me on Kaju Barfi (Yes, I am very much aware of the gaal conditions right now what these chocolates and barfis are doing, YES).
Also went with Nivedita to this flower shopping for her boyfriend and the entire Bangalore seemed to be in a mood for flowers and chocolates. The place where I stay has these two cake and flower shops right beside and they were filled with couples, and everybody smiled for a change. Even the Multiplex grounds had people loitering around like Kumbh ka Mela (and no, this is not the case on every weekend) in red with red. Last year I decided to buy myself a watch and did. This year the plan was/is of phone because well, my phone is actually dead in all functionalities but then, when you are in such a broke state (have I already mentioned the no hike/ no promotion/salary decrease?), the resolution of gifting oneself something on 14^th could take a toll. And what did I buy for myself this Valentine’s Day?
A 10 rupayee wala lighter. 

Happy Valentine’s Day.
Let there be more of Red and White and Pink =]
P.S. My first ever right at 12 chocolate by ze roomie :)

Exactly 4 Years Sincle I Wrote

THIS :P

Olivia messaged,
Ei dupure e kono ek time eh sidd amay hothat text korechjilo “tui shob kichu k joke keno mone korish”

Tomorrow is another 31^st January, probably after four 31^st January-s in between, after that epic mid Lake Proposal, still going strong, because, maybe there are better things than to just give up despite the plethora of difficulties, and, maybe just because one has better choice does not mean one has to make and take (this one literally) it.

I always thought that they lack in a lot many tangents where ‘we’ did not, but, time and again, I have been proved wrong. By them and by truly mine, of course. Bas itna hi bolna tha! Post PIP lost weekend afternoons can make you mad I tell you, even though Sidd remarked “unjhand it” at my “zindegi jhand” comment, how easy is it? I wonder!
Of course you don’t, with all that you have and chose.  Maybe I should not have skipped TFI final round after working so hard for it. But then, not all mental, physical, emotional investments are rewarded you see? Who would know better?!

Ah

Also, Sidd-Lol, Happy Four Years in advance :)

HOLD ON till you can and beyond.

আহা বইমেলা

আজ বাংলায় লিখছি। কেন? কারণ বই মেলা টা বড্ড মনে পড়ছে। 

সেই প্রথম প্রথম মা এর হাত ধরে শীতের ছুটিতে বই  মেলা যাবার একমাত্র কারণ ছিল ওই ফোয়ারার পাশে দাড়িয়ে খাওয়া বা ওই আকা গুলো দেখা। 
বাবা এই দোকান ওই দোকান বই দেখত, মা রান্ডম নিউসপেপার ষ্টল গুলো পাত্তা দিত আর আমি চেষ্টা করতাম আর কি। আর আকার বই কিনতাম।  আসছে শনিবার মনে করে সেটা আকার স্কুল নিয়ে গিয়ে শো অফ করতে হত যে।  সবাই এ করত বই কি আর তারপর শুরু হত পরের কয়েক মাসের বাসু স্যার এর আকার রসদ ঐটাই।   

তারপর আসতে আসতে বাস থেকে মেট্রো থেকে ট্যাক্সি থেকে গাড়ি ট্রান্সফরমেশন এর সাথে বুঝলাম বই মেলা'র আসল মর্যাদা. মা বেকার ভয় পেত জ হারিয়ে যাব, 'এদিকে যাসনা, ওদিকে যাসনা, হাত ধরে থাক!' আহা!

তারপর শুরু হলো বাড়ির লোক এর ছাড়া অন্য লোকের সাথে যাওয়া, কিছুটা কারণ মা এর পা আর বিশেষ সঙ্গ দিত না, কিছুটা কারণ বন একদম ই এসব পছন্দ করেনা. তো হলো বন্ধু এন্ড প্রেম এর হাত ধরে বই মেলা।  ময়দান ছেড়ে সাইন্স সিটি।  ফোয়ারা হওয়া কিন্তু সেই আকার লোক গুলো আর  সেই আকার বই এর দোকান রয়েই গেল। সাথে জুরলো পুরনো বই এর দোকান যাওয়া, সস্তার বাংলা কবিতা র বিদেশী কবিতা ষ্টল।  সাথে বেনফিশ, হাতে হাত।  কিছুটা কালো জামা গিটার ছিচকে দেখে খিল্লি, কিছুটা চেনা লোক দেখে খুশি বা এম্বার্রাস্স্মেন্ট, কখনো কলেজ ক্লাস করব ভেবে হঠাত বই মেলা, কখনো প্রেম করব কে এফ সী তে ভেবে বই মেলা, কখনো মুম্বাই থেকে আশা হলো জোর নিয়ে বলে বাড়িতে বোকা দেবে তাই নো বই মেলা ভেবেও বই মেলা, কহ্কোনো আহা বই মেলা না গেলে হয় নাকি ভেবে বই মেলা। 

এমন কিছু গুরুত্ব সত্তি আগে কখনো দেইনি আমি বই মেলা কে আর একেবারে সত্তি বললে, ওই ছোটবেলার নস্তাল্গিয়া ছাড়া সাইন্স সিটি বই মেলা আমার বিশেষ আহামরি লাগতনা।  ময়দান তা আলাদাই ছিল সত্তি।  কিন্তু এবার দূর দিগন্ত পারে হঠাত একটু মন কেমন।  ভালই ছিল যা ছিল।  

তোমরা ভালো ঘুর সবাই যারা আছ / আছেন/ আছিস শহরে. 
হোক বই মেলা।  

Prick and Perpetually Homesick

Coming to Ria’s home over and over again (which ultimately became all mine) made me realise how unready I am for settling down. Yes, there was time in my life when all that I wanted to do was marrying and live a life in dual mode because honestly, that gave me happiness. To live a life with and for someone where you make your home, from scratch.

Seasons changed and I got hammered again and again and today, I do not like the idea of waking up with the thought of what-to-make-for-breakfast. I saw how Ria stood near the washroom to make sure the maid does the Sunday Maha Cleaning properly.All of this really increases my respect for Maa and all the homemakers true but I do not think I would ever be in a state where I would be able to do the same. The princess treatment from Maa, the hard realities and the lyadh in general has me an absolute hippie I think and the thought of making a home excites me not. I remember how disappointed Ria was when I disagreed to move in.

This, plus the quick decision as to whether to buy a phone for myself or the father shocked me as well (because well of course, Accenture salaries and ratings and job or no job tangents!). Add that to the decision of skipping GATE to visit Gokarna. Of course the father’s and of course Gokarna! Clearing TFI phone round, passing in one part and failing in another part of APS.  Growing up much? I do not exactly think I like the person I am becoming and I can very well understand the transition.

To come to an age, phase or mental makeup where you know how to cook bhaat (yes I can proudly cook bhaat and daal as well now) and to tag Bacardi lemonade as the greatest discovery of 2015 are so not me but so me. To tag men as either hot or cute seems like history, there are only intelligent disloyal men or dumb disloyal men, that be all. Fair? Definitely not but that is how it is with me now, not good, I know. Back to the zone where I hate myself for being what I am and not care about it as well. I have never been so lost and yet not completely sad.

Something has to be done about something and God knows what. Amidst all, I think I passed the toughest assessment of my life recently and am very very proud of myself. I am finally a little happy with the IT world, doing what I do, and, surprise surprise, I am brilliant at what I do. For ONCE! But then, the salary increases? No. The promotion happens? No. Get to go home? No. Atleast weekend flight tickets are easy? NO! Life is financially better? Hell No! Phir kyu itni khushi bhai? Uhmmm, who said anything about khushi hmmm? Breathing is easier after Friday that is all, And to Abhimanyu and Anju, I would have not made it alive through it all without you two, Maa actually cried happy tears after so long. And I am again sure some dhamaka is on the cards from tomorrow because meri khushi dekhi nai jaati na. Anyway, to the ever so angry Gods too, Thank. You :’)

For the support, Maa, Aunty, Ankita C, Ankita G, Raja, Dipu, Sush, Isita, Amit, Sejuti, Arna, Bishakha, Sudip, Chaitanya, Subhayan,  Satabdi, Aritri, Tuhinda, Olivia, Sir (in no specific order) I would be forever grateful (I might have missed a few names, sorry). To some who were not with me (even though you were VERY needed) through it, you have finally disappointed me to a point where I have nothing else to expect and if you can still sleep (in all the variations that you can think of it) with it in peace, Good Luck!

Happy New Year everyone.
 Have a great year :)

I miss home, Maa is sure I would have been in a better situation in the last 5 weeks if I were home (just that she would have seen me around and alive and she would have been less worried), I doubt the change in levels of stress, but home, I definitely miss. So this song which Titoo posted when he was leaving he city, from the movie which was watched, like those million movies, with the assurance that, ah let me not do this to myself today. Just that it is not a nice feeling to have your gurur chaknachur-ed, that too, by who. However, the song :')

Hell Freezes Over

I still remember the day our first desktop came, Mejdamoni copied his entire hard disc content. Those were the days when he took pride in ‘amar 40GB memory te 30GB gaan’ and Baba was like ‘amar Computer e kintu 80GB’

That was when he introduced me to The Eagles saying ‘Guria, ei gaanta shunishni? Ki r korli tahole jibone. Shon shon’. Honestly, if you wake up a little girl from her sleep, her favorite afternoon nap mind you, and tell her to concentrate on the intro to a ket song, it is not a good idea. But, I remember how much I idolized Mejdamoni in those days and when he added that some XYZ% of the world population listen to this song around the clock, I really rubbed my eyes off and started to listen.

No, I did not understand the lyrics in one go. Finally, he understood my pain, connected the new Computer to the BSNL internet (where the number of minutes you are online = no of call charge X2) and we got the lyrics. Then, he went on explaining how some believe it has a horror tinge to it and how some believe it is about a mental hospital, he gave his version as well. The little girl that I was, I made sure I know the path to this album ‘D tarpor Music tarpor MyMusic[English] tarpor THE Eagles tarpor Hotel California’ by heart.

Then of course I grew up with the song, not because it is one of the most amazing songs ever, which it is, but because Mejdamoni said it was the best and so it was, the BEST.

Woke up to the news of Glenn Frey’s death today and all those years of singing his songs by heart, in wrong pronunciation, flashed. And then, I came back to Smita in the evening and made her listen to Hotel California because I still remember how Mejdamoni had said, ei gaanta na shunle ki r korli jibone

Sail well, you too and have a great jam with Bowie up above the world so high

Turn to page 394.

So this is it then?
Love is all that there is in ‘Always’ and not beyond anymore then? Or maybe, 'Forever' was my 'Always'. A SHORT (please get the pun in a pun there, I am very happy at my pinch) forever. Always.

Olivia pinged at 7:15 exact, ‘Professor Snape mara gechhe’ and I doomed the deadlines, doomed the deployment and went away to the breakout to confirm. True News. So, today, the day before the THE day, rather than ghyan ghyaning about tomorrow, I mourn for my Snape.

Remember I wrote a certain something about Suchitra Pillai in Dil Chahta Hai and what happens to the ex-es and the ‘rejected maal’s in my old blog? No? So there was this post where I was wondering what happens when to the extra ones once the hero-heroine duo is fixed and dancing tall behind the branches of trees. They become forgotten and maybe they find their compromises. Ishhh. So, Snape was my answer to myself with his strong character and personality and love :) 

So this is what happens to the ex-es and the ‘rejected maal’s and the ones who are left for better alternatives. They live and they live forever.

When Snape died in the book or the movie, I would not say I was as sad as I was when Fred did but today, when the person I have always seen in my head when I say Snape, died, I am very very upset at the death of my hero, my definition of love. I am particularly upset because all my heroes and definitions and perfections of love are dead, figuratively and literally now.

Have a wonderful afterlife Professor, you taught me love.
And I shall remember. Always.

Prayers for Friday and Timepass Before THAT

The mandatory I-feel-like-a-celeb post before I drown drown drown on Friday.  About  the most horrible that there was, where I lost a LOT.  Also the man who sold the world, sail in peace.

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’ve never done before?

·         Ate alone in restaurants

·         Went alone to the doctor

·         Cried alone in public

·         Correctly judged the detergent:water ratio

·         Fought life

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

                Did not make one last year, and did not make any again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

                No, thank god.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

                Literally, not, figuratively, yes!

5. What countries did you visit?

                Countries huh? Cancelled home tickets -_-

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

                Position

7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory?

                Memories, too many. Dates… uhmmm

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

                Solo travel at 4 in the morning to this Mysore border college for this exam.

9. What was your biggest failure?

                *were

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

                Not much, nothing fatal until 2016 slip

11. What was the best thing you bought?

                Tickets and more tickets :D

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

                Oh my GOD :D

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

                Mine

14. Where did most of your money go?

                Gifts. Food. Ticket.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

                GOAAAAA and Pujoooooo!

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2015?

                ‘Move on’, on loop, for days, till the point of hating the song. It’s a bad song anyway.

                ‘O thakur’, and the Pujo countdown

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Happier, I think.

2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter, most definitely.

3. Richer or pooper? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

                Reading.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

                Loving. Procrastinating.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

                Thanking Monas for sharing all the wine, which of course Ria paid for. It was a good Christmas with immensely hot lap dance and very good ghar ka khana and cake ^_^

21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?

                The Mommy.

22. Did you fall in love in 2015?

                No.

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

                Like why should that be told or counted for that matter?

24. What was your favorite TV programme?

                Masterchef, TVF Pitchers, GOT

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

                No.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

                I’ve read just one book in the entire year, so that.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

                Megameter :D

28. What did you want and get?

                Like really?

29, What did you want and did not get?

                Love. Money. Position. Job. Promotion. Hike. Trip. Happiness. Peace. Respect. Relocation.

30. What were your favorite films?

                Belasheshe

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

                Woke up in the chhader pasher ghor and age, enough raita over that already now.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

                Denmark.

33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

                Fat.

34. What kept you sane?

                Friends and Maa

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

                Ranveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer *_*

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

                Just because I have started reading newspapers, does not mean I can answer THIS

37. Who did you miss?

                Sigh

38. Who was the best new person you met?

                Smita AND (Abhimanyu, Nishita )

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015?

                Height and money are all that there is to love.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

                Does it feel the same/ When she calls your name

Friday Haiku

Yellow saari dream
Friday night's clumsy old whim
Obvious choice made

Ankita confessed in the middle of the night after long weekend of solo flat time, 'now I know tui keno biye biye boltish'
But then my love,
There shall always be people who are,
Taller
Richer
Fairer
Prettier
Taller
Taller
Taller
I confessed to Nishita in the middle of the night 'now I know tui keno jonmerprem hashtag dekhe pale hotish'
But then my love,
There shall always be people who are,
Taller
Richer
Fairer
Prettier
Taller
Taller
Taller
Arna confessed to Sejuti in the middle of the night, 'now I know that once you've waited for so long, it's impossible to start over again'
But then my love,
There shall always be people who are,
Taller
Richer
Fairer
Prettier
Taller
Taller
Taller
Sitting with very high temperature can make you miss Maa er princess treatment all the more, especially when P with same temperature gets pampered, right the day before XAT by A. Oh the sweet consistencies of love which P gets, with or without jor.
But then my love,
These people ARE,
Taller
Richer
Fairer
Prettier
Taller
Taller
Taller

2016 First Lesson. Size matters the MOST

Mid road eve, check.

Fimly gunda fighting, check.

Go Karting, check.

Broken heart.
Broken leg.
2016, enough entertainment already
Please be kind now

Haiku Attempt 1.2

Rowed to cloud, the queen
The cloud, only wanted green
Love poet, grateful

Had a very shiny nose

Everyone who is/was ‘homecoming’ to Kolkata &/| ,

Everyone who is/was getting married &/| ,

Everyone who is earning &/| ,

Everyone who is/was not dumped ,

Congratulations but please stop doing this to me or my mother and live your own blessed life!

2015,

What’s next in line? Cancer?

Please Fuck Off NOW!

There Are Two Kinds Of People

• Ones who write flowery tales about Kolkata and never really arrive there for money/emotional constraints and the ones who stay, feel or at least visit there whenever the heart wants.
• Ones who swear at the IT world yet never really leave it or work properly (or at all) for that matter and the ones who swear at the IT world yet work, earn shit loads and bloat with silent pride.
• Ones who drink for being presentable enough and end up drinking alone all life and the ones who drink with ‘friends’ and gather happy tales.
• Ones who wear white dress with black and pink polka dots, look beautiful for a date night and realize there is no and would never be a date night and the ones who end their date nights with a kiss or more.
• Ones who click the like button at all the happy smiles of consistencies over the years, silently praying to the Gods to finally show mercy and the ones who actually get to be with the consistencies and smile without pretentions.
• Ones who dream of certain simple moments but never really get them and the ones who would make you want to dream, nomatter what, over and over and all over again.
• Ones who stalk all night and the ones whose nights have all the colors in or across Geography.
• Ones who were loved and the ones who would always be loved.
• Ones who are killed and the ones who are dead.

Keep Your Guard Up

Keep your guard up,
One plus one is no infinity.
Petite is not necessarily pretty.
Baby talks, old songs, winter morning brew?
Don’t be fooled, yes you’ve shamed,
But what was, is, not for you.
Cry over the dead man
Not over the love,
Even if you’re abandoned,
Keep your guard up.

-Abhishikta

Bela Sheshe

After almost 15 minutes of trying/wanting to write something about this movie, I still sit with a white screen.

My first brush with the movie happened in the first week of October when I would play all the nonsense and no nonsense Bengali Pujo songs on Youtube. So I came across this O Thakur song (such Kolkata Pujo) and read the reviews and watched a hall print of the same. I almost convinced half the world to watch the hall print for the sheer perfection that the movie is. Yesterday I discovered the good print on Youtube, YAY aa gaya so I would request the other half of the world, the naak uchu and my love types, to PLEASE watch this movie and THINK.

I have never been a fan of Bengali movies but then, Swatilekha reminded me of Dida while she sang “Bhobo shagoro tarono” with the grandchildren over the terrace, or while she did tel maalish to the boro natni. When she ran around the kid with bhaat or when she slipped away for random shit serial. She was everything that my Dida has been, except for the unappreciated wife. Their relationship however reminded me of my own, rather the absence of it and here comes another reason why I want everyone to watch this. I believe they should make it a compulsion for all separated couples to watch this movie together.

There is a dialogue (various dialogues in fact) where one talks of the subtle line between bhalobasha and obbhyesh while the other defines how, for some, obbhyesh tai bhalobasha. I cannot even write an inch of the awesomeness that the dialogues are. The wall clock and Pabda machh disappointments, like everyone else, just so normal, just so perfect. Add everything else with the scenes of ‘Khowai’, the moonlit night Kopai nodir dhare, the movie can make one to cry on a lonely Friday night, change your mind probably. Please! “milon hobe kotodine’ actually made me homesick, and wonder how home is a concept. And what happens when you are abandoned from home because? Just because.

The game that they play at Bolpur (and Bolpur WILL make you nostalgic for Bangla, if you’ve ever been to Shantiniketan and/or shonibarer haat), somewhat like the one we played with the entire group at lake during college days, nobody is interested anymore to know, however I would play anyway, because one day I believe, one day, and so

I wish to go: London eye te, with an ice cream and you
I wish to be: at peace
I wish to have: you
I wish to meet: Ranvijay

All the piled up things that were not said in the five lives that they show in the movie, and the songs. The ‘tumi robe nirobe’ instrumental that I can play on loop forever these days, or the “o j mane na mana” can actually choke you with the lyrics, if you happen to understand that is. Could you possibly ever understand so much Bangla?
Ami joto boli tobe, ebar j jete hobe, duare daraye bole nan a na, o j mane na mana…

This movie is plain beautiful. The official trailer that they had where the directors said,
‘kintu ponchash bochhor por o era jante chay, kuri bochhor por o era chhnute chay, sholo bochhor por o era pete chay, dosh bochhor por o era j kadte chay, paanch bochhor por o era j ador chay’ actually would give you goosebumps. Unlike reality, this movie ends on a positive note, people get back their loves and continue with their happy ever afters.

However, the defining line of the movie says,
“haater opor haat rakha khub shohoj noy
shara jibon boite para shohoj noy”  

Kintu etotai ki kothin?
Do watch. Youtube has a fine print now :)

Another year passed, a day late, thanks to my bad internet and self wailing night.
I miss you still.
Be happy wherever you are with the uncool Gods,  and grant a little for me, you know how.
Please.
Rest in peace, Always!

How Long Can You Keep A Paper Umbrella You Loved

Interesting title? It is. Came across this line on one of the many write-ups that I have been reading all day long for the last few days, nonstop. Jobless? Yes! No shit. This along with Ankita Saha’s (Yes I have way too many Ankita’s in my life) dp (posted later), made me miss Kolkata all the more. The St Pauls Cathedral (its lookalike at Chennai) where she stands so pretty in her dp has been the cradle of my childhood especially (and only) because of the awesome schooling that I had. So much missing made me buy over priced tickets to the Promised Land, even during this time of utter poverty where new Pyjamas have become too much of luxury. And Noone can be blamed of course!

Because, other than the obvious and much talked about, when I close-my-eyes!
St Pauls- Nandan- Bridge- Bk Market Goli- Right- Piccadilly- School- Left- Mrs.Naik’s- Right- KV- Left- Raina’s- right- Patha Bhavan- Straight- Gariahat- Left- Bijan Setu- Straight-  Right- Left-  Munnididi’s- Rathtala- Right- Masjid- Left- Right- Pukur- KayosthoPara- Right- Ramlal- Left- Safui- Straight- Khaal- Right- Left- Straight- Purple House!

Pocha told me a while ago that she wants to take up her Kalikapur to 8B auto once again without the sense of ultimatum associated with it. This was before she fell in love again and visions and missions and takes changed, like everyone else's. But the tangents of taking all those shosta and ever so known autos are peaceful. I wonder if I was born at the wrong place or chose the wrong profession. Or maybe both.

In another write up, an IT professional wrote in the year 2010 while leaving for his ILP at Gandhinagar that he is giving himself the next 5 years and by the time it will be 2015, the city will have him back. I wonder what happened to him and his currents whereabouts too. Someday I would stalk him over social networking to find out. This also made me wonder, 5 years from leaving home, 2020! How would I be at 2020? Initial plan of 2020 is long forgotten (?) but then, I hope I would be able to order a medium Pizza and Fanta/Sprite on a Friday night in the year 2020, at a house which would be home and plan for a movie for Saturday before going off to sleep, peacefully. But then, dreams are dreams and not everyone has the luxury of everything because “you have the strength to go past all this” and just because you have the strength, you’d be abandoned. Yes babe!

So, how long can you keep a paper umbrella you loved? ‘Loved’ is a wrong word. You always love. When you love, you love. When I say ‘you’ I mean everyone but ‘you’. However, the current scenario shows tall buildings of glass around. These buildings are so horribly perfect that it makes me nauseous. And inside these tall glass buildings, people do random shit for random people and pretend to enjoy. Good for everyone. The only solace is. Maggi is BACK, little mercies of staple dinner till I die then!  Wonder if my sister is all so happy because she won’t have to share the Maggi and chanachur anymore with me or sad because I won’t be there to make us the fried version (which is the ONLY thing I can prepare decently). I wonder. Like I do, for a lot many things.  Uh Well. Dinner time then. Because I promised.

And as the sweet George Eliot said,

“What novelty is worth that sweet monotony where everything is known, and loved because it is known?”

THE 30th of November!

10 years dekhte dekhte aaj!
Oh Dio my Dio ^_^

Little Kindness: Rajput Jamai Niceness

D: R eka eka Bangalore e mon kharap lagle ekhane chole ashish
A: Ki kore ashbo bol, variable pay tao toh pabona
D: Tui pabina toh ki, Ami toh pabo! Aay.

Little footage, bina birthday to the stud pointer, for THIS and everything else of course ^_^
'For the night is dark and full of terrors'

Note to self on a typical 'Dewale Peeth Theka' situation

Because one Mahattam Rai told Dadu during his military days, and Dadu told me many many years ago,
"DHUNDO WAHI JAHA KHOYE HO"

Stuck In Reverse

Just because

'I will try to fix you',

It does not necessarily mean

You would want the fixing too.

Just because

'I will try to fix you',

It does not necessarily mean

You would need the fixing too.

However,

'Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you'

-Abhishikta

Since the competition decided to fail me, I shall publish this here!

Title 1: Bhaibba Komu, suggested by Sir (without reading)
Title 2: Anarosh, suggested by Titoo (without reading)
Journey Inspiration: Ankita Chowdhury

Destination Inspiration: Prajakta Yadav

Photo Courtesy: Raja Mukherjee

THE

‘So you’re sure that you do not want me to accompany you for this trek?’

Ishaan was not taking my decision to travel alone to the Valley of Flowers too well. This is the fifteenth time in the last 3 days that he asked me this question and he of course knows my answer!

‘But why Meera? You will have 9 other unknown people in the trek and what difference would it make if I accompany you? I am your boyfriend for Christ’s sake!’

It is not that I do not want to explain the reason to Ishaan but I have explained the same old logic fifteen times over,that I want to travel alone, without the subtle ‘protection’ from him. We live together anyway, so, taking a solo trip for a few days will not change anything about ‘us’.

‘Are you even listening Meera? I am talking to YOU’.

I finally had to lift my eyes from the book and answer, ‘Baby! How many times will we discuss over this? I would be FINE in the trek and we have had many romantic trips together. I want a single trip now !!!’

Ishaan did not look too happy and I have not seen him making such a dirty face to me in a long time. I knew he is angry but I do not see a reason why.

‘No Meera, this time I am not going to give in to what you say. I discussed you’re travelling alone to Mumma and she is offended. The daughter-in-laws of the Avasthi family are dignified women, they do not travel alone with other unknown people,Mumma said’

This made me totally leave my book away and look at him in amazement!

‘Okay then,Mister Ishaan Avasthi,ask your Mumma if the daughter-in-laws of the Avasthi family jump into bed before marriage? Or do they aid the men for their booze? And you my love, never ever forget, we are not married yet!’

‘And we would never be if you continue this attitude of yours Meera! Look! I’ve told you nicely and politely, but if you cannot understand that way then let me tell you this, you either go to this stupid trek of yours with me or you do not go. You have five minutes to decide or else, I leave you and this house, TODAY!’

This took me back to Hyderabad bus terminus 5 years ago.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘But you’llbe a single girl travelling! Alone!’, the ticket master said with extra stress on ‘ALONE’, as he tried to enquire on the ugliness of my face and the firmness of my breasts through his one look.

‘So give me a seat beside another lady and that solves the problem’ I added instantly, too disgusted with his eyes looking down on me, which looked as if it could scan beneath my pink shirt.

‘There is no other single woman Madam, the ladies of India travel with family. You too should not travel alone like this’

Too irritated with his moral policing, I shoved the money in, took my ticket and went towards the white bus that would take me to Pune, to my brother, who recently moved there for work. I took my window seat, there was a 9 hours journey ahead and I was sleepy. I saw families all around, the men trying to arrange the windows, the women making bottled milk for their babies, some cuddling to the potbellied husbands. I brought out my headphones and watched the bus terminus. People in lungi were selling chikki. I bought a packet of Chikki for my brother from the bus window. By this time, a man who looked a few years elder to me, in loose yellow Kurta, came and sat beside me. The bus engine growled and it was finally time to start my first ever long distance journey alone.

The vendors slowly started to fade away from sight, Hyderabad looked beautiful in the night. Coldplay’s ‘Yellow’ filled in my ears, the breeze was just perfect and my eyes felt heavy. It was a tough day at work and I came directly from my office to the bus terminus, I was tired and I needed sleep. I do not know how soon or late I felt asleep, I think ‘Suzanne’ was the last song I remember being played on my headset from that night before I was fast asleep.

Shreeeeeeeeek! The bus pulled down.

My eyes were still heavy and I was still tired. It took me a while to understand where I am, the normal thing that happens when you wake up from deep sleep. The mp3 player was playing ‘Zingadieksafarhaisuhana’, and before I could blink my eyes I realized something heavy on my chest. In the micro second between my realizing what it is and what was happening, the heavy hand shifted brushing past my nipples, quite understandably. I got cold with fear and disgust. I looked beside. The other hand of the man beside me was covered by the Kurta lines and there was movement, obvious movements, ugly rhythmic movements. The time stopped for me and I did not know what to do. I wanted to shout, I wanted to scream and slap him but not a word I could utter. I was choked, I do not know if it was anger or fear, but I could not say a word.

The man suddenly got up, the demon smiled and raced towards the door. The bus had already stopped at this place called Satara. He got down, and I was still in shock and disgust. Within moments the bus pulled in and he was a random figure in distance who had shaken my soul forever. I did not know if I was more disgusted with the man for doing what he did to me, or with myself for not speaking up for myself. I hated myself at that moment. All those classes of women empowerment, all those slogans of self-help since high school has all gone in vain. I wanted to vanish away that moment. I have been touched and felt by a man while I was sleeping and I did not slap him, I did not say one word! The bus started to take pace and suddenly I was reminded of my mother’s worries when I said I would be travelling alone from Hyderabad to meet bhaiya, Daddy told me to keep on calling him after every few hours. The ticket master, the chikkiseller, the married woman in the front seat, the uncle at the back seat, were they all right with their looks when they realized that I have no father, brother, husband, boyfriend or any other “MAN” to protect me? Is the society right in thinking that we, as women need support because we are too sublime and because we cannot stand up for ourselves. And what have I done to prove them wrong? How would I ever face myself I wondered but there had to be a way.

It was very close to morning, I could see the morning light. One of the kids in the bus started wailing for its mother to attend to it while the father snored happily. Is this going to be my future one day? Isn’t this my present as well? Silent submission to whatever the males do, no matter whoever the male is? And in that moment, I decided I will not let this incident hinder my self-confidence.  Yes, I have been a coward, yes, I did not stand up for myself out of fear but this was the first and last time ever in my life. I promised to myself, I would never ever submit to anyone ever. I will not be afraid, of anyone or anything. I am and shall forever be, a strong, independent and self-sufficient woman!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..."

I do not know how much time has passed since Ishaan’s ultimatum. Has it been five minutes already? I think it has been, because he has already turned towards the exit door of our flat. Should I stop him? But why should I? The promise that I made to myself that I will never give up to the oppressions of any man, come what may, whoever that man is, will have no meaning if I give in today. All of that because this man I love would share his surname with me some day? I understand that he is concerned and I would have loved his company but this trip I want for myself and he should understand that. At least he should not have given me the ultimatum. The smirks of the man in yellow Kurta has haunted me, left me broken for days and today, I think I am an independent strong woman and I decide how my life is going to be, at least after that night. Or am I not?

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..." What should I do? Should I stop him? Should I let him go? There are just three more steps between him and the flat door and after that I will lose him. Or wait, he will lose me instead? I was numb. These are the moments in life when you have to act and react, and this one action determines your destiny, you create your own destiny during moments like these. This is it!

“Ishaan” I said, and as he turned around I quickly added, “Goodbye!”

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..."

^_^

Careful what you wish for.

Celebrating Life

‘Well, your daughter has blood cancer last stage’ the doctor said and I looked at Maa whose face looked white. She looked at me, about to cry or scream and I tried to look cool. ‘Arre last stage, kichhu korar nei, kedona’ I said. Moments later, for some strange reason, I was all alone in some blue and white room and I knew I did not have to pretend to be cool about the Cancer anymore.
I start crying and shivering. I shouted at the Gods, “WHY! Fuck. WHY” and suddenly I knew why. All those extended prayers to the one million Gods saying ‘if you cannot bring him, kill me’ ‘if you cannot give me eventual happiness, take my life today’ were answered. I start crying.
Yes yes yes, I am a hypocrite. I do not want to die. At least not because of a certain him who sleeps away to glory or the happiness which won’t come, I do not want to die. I cannot believe its last stage. Oh God! I take back my prayers. These prayers and all those during semester where while crossing the road I instigated Gods saying ‘if you have to fail me, kill me before that’ and I always lived. And today, since I’m dying, I know the ‘him’ and the ‘happiness’ I do not deserve and some tall pretty one does. But I deserve to live. Why did I even ask for those? Life is more important than all of that. Shit!

What? The heading and the story does not go hand in hand? Ohkay tiny little hands are not meant for any hand anyway. Well. I did not decide on writing on this topic suddenly because it’s my mother’s birthday and Dida’s ‘kaaj’ day, or because it’s Udita’s birthday and her father’s one year death anniversary. I write this today because I woke up very relieved after that horrendous dream, and also because I am trying not to bring the actual concerns in public.
After a long long time, today, I am so glad that I’m alive. Subhayan told me to celebrate with chocolates and coffee. And so I should. I do not have cancer, I’m going to live another day, year, and decade. Happily or not, I am going to live. Reason enough for a toast eh?
Cheers