Mrs. Pocha and Why

Believe it to be Pocha to convince me to write on a topic that I would never want to discusss
Believe it to be Pocha to completely ignore the guest from the groom's list and shout out Obhishiktaaaa loudly from the stage
Believe it to be Pocha to sit across the fire with shupuris on both cheek and still talk,  read demand,  to be included in selfies
Believe it to be Pocha to call 'boxers' to hold her during shubho-drishti and complete all seven rounds
Believe it to be Pocha to go all commando on the most important day and night of her life
Believe it to be Pocha to leave her royal chair and sit with us,  almost sacrificing all the gifts, to bitch
Believe it to be Pocha to make us laugh like that

Meet My Kids

The Art, of Loving

It was during one of the darkest periods of my life (atleast that's what I thought that time)  that I was introduced to the Art of Living.  My mother never quite approved the authenticity of the organization,  the belief,  but the Orthopaedic Oil from AOL worked wonders for her so she did not complain much (not that she has EVER complained about my life decisions beyond a point till last week) when I first enrolled for the 'Happiness Program'.  The person who introduced me to it chose to part ways with me later, but I will forever be grateful for this one thing.
The same person and the same Happiness Program broke a very important news to me the next year and gave me the much needed closure. That evening, in between the Kriya,  when even though I was broken and could not breathe to SO-HAM,  I first believed in the energy of Gurudev to guide/push/force you in the direction which you have to walk anyway,  for better or worse,  I'm yet to conclude.

That was that and there have been visits to the Bangalore ashram very happily.  The roommates have made fun of the 'pahar hai baju mein'. The place has never disappointed anyone and I was very pleased when Being Social chose ahram for their Valentine's Day celebration with the orphanage and old age home folks.
What started with a very early Sunday morning and ended on a Monday morning high and cry had a beautiful day in between with the detailed ashram tour being the highlight.
The bright eyes with which the kids had the ashram food while we made a face,  the sloppy prolonged kisses from the kids galore because I was in charge of the sandwich dept., the shake of leg by the Granny at a known Kannada song, the genuine attempt of a kid to stop the tears of other,  the sleepy but sincere bye bye when we parted,  the takeaways,  the real takeaways! The art of loving which I thought I had mastered,  first time ever,  returned back in manyfolds from the kids.

As the good old school anthem said,
To be loved,  as to love with all my soul!
Here,  at least here.

Ouch

It's funny how many many lives have been colored by the song,  for worse always, for worse.
Someday I was planning to write on the song and never had the strength.  Someone did,  I could have said it better but ouch!
So glad the roommate is off the song finally. 
Guess it's just me and the song now.
So be it.
So long Kolkata. 
Not returning anytime soon,  for the shame and sham and the song.

We Shall Overcome

We have forever heard and loved the song all over!  I remember my dad singing the English,  Bengali and Hindi version of it, sipping his tea on Saturdays and Sundays in the old red house, and Nana joining in.  It was way later when I truly understood the power of the song.

Today,  we went to teach 33 kids from the orphanage nearby. Sunday being Sunday and kids being kids, we had to give off the last one hour to cricket.  Being horrible at batting and getting scolded by the baby captain, being slightly better at bowling, taking a wicket and getting victory clap from baby captain,  being taught on how to juggle with a football without shoes,  in red sand and epic sun by the 3 year old being the highlights of the day, the childhood song came back to me and how.

These babies,  stood in 3 lines,  of 11 each and sang "We Shall Overkaaaaaaaaam" to welcome us.  One with nose flowing,  one with milk teeth missing,  most with no chappals and dirty clothes,  the sincerity with which the kids looked into our eyes for their "welcome song" made me numb.
I had never been 'welcomed' so warm.
And to think of it,  while we complain about every thing possible,  these 33 kids with one bat, two footballs and a Government school hostel to call their home still have so much hope left.

Here's hoping that they really do overcome and have the best ever, forver. 

Oh, Happy Fake Birthday To Me!

27 on 27

A cake uncut by
A photograph pointing at
A soul dreaming of
A heart tired with
A ticket not shown to
A life dedicated for

Hello you!

Happy?
Happy now?
Last time I checked you said you weren't, with me.
Last time I checked you said couldn't breathe.
Happy now? 
Happy?
Now that there would be no messages tomorrow  morning,  afternoon,  evening,  night wishing the same.
Now that your Goodnights messages are followed by a different name.
Happy?

Well
Happy B Eve and Everyday then.
Just the way you want.

-Abhishikta

Sometimes

Sometimes all you need is a terrace half moon peeping behind the high rise
Sometimes all you need is a sky full of stars without highs
Lend a ear
Rent a ear
Sometimes all you need is a ring of smoke on Spring-Summer night
Sometimes all you need is a pointer to the never acknowledged lies

-Abhishikta

A Full Moon Night, Acting Batman Inside

There are multiple times in a day when you curse the Gods,  there are multiple times in a day when you drown yourself in self pity,  there are multiple times in a day when you question the purpose of still being alive.

However,  there are these rare Spring nights smelling of final exams,  with one arm full of washed clothes from the weekend, which you forgot to pick from the terrace until now and another hand somehow adjusting the dinner parcel that
the delivery person chose to deliver at the same time. Juggling between the two, with the peace of no social media banter and the occasional task of convincing the mother on your sanity and safety,  you open the door of your empty flat after a long day, being fully aware of the half finished JIRA cards that should be closed by the night.

These are the nights when you realize that probably,  probably you can make through life all alone.
Of course you have no choice.
Of course you had never imagined doing this. 
But you can,  and you would.
So this time, for real,
To life...  AMEN

Writer's Block

I want to write
I want to write till my hand bleeds
I want to write till my heart stops bleeding
Tell me how
Tell me now

Kotilingeshwar

Hit the highways
Hit the highways
Hit the highways in anxiety and pain

There is a definite peace at 100km/hr and not a compulsion to talk
When the wind hits your face (the left eye bleeds of course)  and your hair sways (add on to the spa expense).

Bangalore has always been THE place for trips and I regret not documenting any for the last 1.5years years.  Here I start again.
Destination decided:  Kotilingeshwar
Persnal interest:  Kolar mines
Group interest:  Sher-e-punjab

The thing with wanting to start in the morning is that,  it never happens.  I could also add on about the woes of winter but well,  we all know how perfect Bangalore weather always is!
So somehow we started off on time, of course after continuous instructions from N about taking bath and wake up calls. All the bikers and travel lovers of Bangalore must already be aware of the infamous all night ccd there,  not that we don't have it marathalli, but then,  the romantic kinds take the effort.  Being into one sided unromantic relationships,  I've always tried avooding this ccd but as fate had it,  it was RIGHT on the way and of course a landmark.
The thing with Kotilingeshwar,  you have to be on the Bangalore-Tirupathi highway for sometime. There is a general tendency of the food to be a little on the non-Kannada style,  bear! You'll hit the Kolar mines (right after the tortorous CCD) within an hour if you take KRPuram route,  or you can drive extra and try connecting from Mahadevpura just for the heck of it. Sher-e-Punjab would fall to your left along with a LOT of fancy dhabas,  stop over or just continue to make it on time. You have to be careful with your map. Soon you'll hit pretty village side and forest on loop.  Stop over for home grown cheap water melon!!!

Kotilingeshwar has 9lakh Shiv Lingas and they are aiming at 1crore,  as the name suggests.  More on the religious side of it from Google, I've stopped believing in Gods big time. However,  to step and dance over the HOT floor amidst SO MANY lingas is an experience! What could really irritate you is the conviction with which the priests ask you to donate
e for a baby and/or marriage.  Good if you are on my group and have no hopes of either,  A of course had and he almost got into a tiff! H on the other hand had some family issue where he was not supposed to visit temples for that week.  That of course,  got us  few eye rolls.
We didn't stay for long.  The destination was definitely not better than the journey.

The journey back of course,  had a brilliant sunset of quiet reflections and friends who take away your quite moment with pjs, a long wait beside serene raiway track. The sher-e-punjab was the BEST dhaba experience I've had in the last few years.  It's owned by Punjabis,  has a huge space and brilliant food + we were starving.
There is however a strict rule here of no drinking.  We actually saw the transition between lunch and dinner here (we're vella like that).

Riding back to the city,  winds on our face and a hopelessness that no temple can fix was good for A,  for the eventual date!  I hope it worked out that way for all.
Anyway,  on reflectionas,  some other day.
An abrubt,  bye.

Happy (?) Valentine's Day

Cry another night
Live another day
Cry another night
Live another day
Cry another night
Live another day
Cry another night
Live another day
Cry another night
Live another day
Cry another night
Live another day
Cry another night
Live another day
Cry another night
Live another day

Which came first?
Chicken or the egg?

-Abhishikta

Ah

Tufaan Toofaaaaaaan

Living alone in a flat (for a while for now)
Check

Refuge from social media and society (for a while for now)
Check

This
Check

Photographs

Let me start with a photograph straight out of an epic feminist movie cover.  The roommate can do wonders when she wants, really.

No wonder why I love this photograph. 

Photographs. 

Normal photographs that you've clicked last year,  last month,  few years ago ,  few months ago, yesterday,  today.

Basic, candid or ugly ones.

What happens when you categorise your photographs and have only two categories on mind.

1. Still looks hopeful with life
2. Does not

Or

1. Still smiling genuinely
2. Is not

Photographs.
You realise the power,  the magic that they are.
They damage that they can do.
Like people.

Beef Anyone?

Just the other day
When everyone on the table were in high brows when I ordered beef,
Just the other day;
Just everyday;
Just everyday!
I miss.

-Abhishikta

Breathe

Hard life lesson ;

The following weeks of denial
The following months of crying
The following years of shut down.

Cycled
Recycled
Seasoned
Served

Harder life lessons ;

Thought life cannot hurt more,
Wish, was right that time

Think life will hurt more,

Wish, am wrong this time.

In the mean time,
Breathe.

- Abhishikta

Fret Not

Fret Not.
Fret not my heart.
For there always is
A forever, after glitch.
A light, that guides.
A solvable closure, to departs.

Haven’t they always taught you right?
How the storms always lead to calm.
How the sun makes a Golden start.
Everytime!
Everyday!
But maybe, not today.
For the clouds laugh, from miles apart.
But, keep chanting.
Over and over again.

Fret Not!
Fret Not,
Oh Dear, Abandoned Heart.

-Abhishikta

Mandate. The Year of Tears, 2018. 2019, I'm too Tired To Even Beg for Good

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’ve never done before?
Travelled alone across continent
Bought my own diamond
Begged before a certain someone
Had brilliant champagne for free with random Polish politicians
Set up home out of nothing
Cried without feeling ashamed

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Nothing made last year.
This year I would want to be fit, mentally.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
In my heart, 

5. What countries did you visit?
Ah, after all these years, yay!
Poland
Netherlands
Finland
In India, Pune, Kolkata, Bilaspur, Raipur, Dongargarh,  Kolkata,  Delhi,  Jammu and Kashmir,  Hyderabad,  Kolkata,  Hyderabad, Kolkata, Chikmagalure,  Mumbai, Matheran,  Kolkata,  Pune, Satara, Hyderabad
Mad travel year?  I know!
Bankrupt. 

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
Love

7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory?
15.04.2018

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bearing the last one month
Switching to a different domain

9. What was your biggest failure?
Relationship

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Consistent left eye issues

Level 2 depression

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Diamond for me!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Smita, Narmada, Aritri

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oh good lord, don't even.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Love.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Onsite
Relationship
Pujo

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2018?
Dil Beparvah

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Happier or sadder? Sadder, a million times sadder
2. Thinner or fatter? Same
3. Richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Judging

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Loving

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Woke up to the oldest of friends, had very good food and brilliant conversation with a bunch of babies, who still have a lot of hope left.
Also decorated the new house and had immense amount of chocolates beside the Christmas tree, all by myself, and, read the Bible.

21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?
Maa and someone I trusted a lot.

22. Did you fall in love in 2018?
Yes.

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
:/

24. What was your favorite Tv programme?
Series count these days okay?
Yeh meri family
Little things
Mirzapur

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
YES
2 + myself

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
No book read

L

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Baarishein

28. What did you want and get?
Switch

29. What did you want and did not get?
Commitment that stays.

30. What were your favorite films?
I cannot remember a single movie I watched right now

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
Got very worked up on the age.

And went home of course!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
People not abandoning.

33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
House clothes over other clothes

34. What kept you sane?
What kept me sane has pushed me to a terrible insanity. So, does not count really.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ranveeeeeeeeeeeeeer Singh!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Assam on the Bangladesh refugee count

37. Who did you miss?
Dida

38. Who was the best new person you met?
NO ONE

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018?
Money cannot buy us happiness

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
वो जो कहते थे बिछड़ेंगे ना हम कभी
अलविदा हो गए देखते देखतेl

Coldest of Nights

Accepting.
Not everyone deserves happiness.
Not everyone gets happiness.
Accepting.

Bluetooth Speaker Speaks of Life

Bluetooth Speaker!

We happen to have a cute little Bluetooth speaker. It's wooden and nice. Made our hearts very happy the day it was gifted, since we had recently moved into a new flat and lost our old speaker. The same speaker, gave me a life lesson today, a lesson that I'll probably forget by night, or probably remember, and start 2019 and life.

So the process being:
1. Bluetooth Speaker once ready to be paired, becomes the receiver.
2. Every phone in the room can connect to it, but the one that is ready to play the song, does.
3. Once paired, the time becomes colorful with the songs of happiness, peace and Bliss.
4. After a while, once the songs become monotonous, continuous, and realistic, the songs stop playing from the phone voluntarily.
5. The bluetooth speaker waits, pauses and waits. Some more. And eventually, our speaker unpairs itself.
To new phones and new songs then?

Also,
Merry Christmas from Hasvitha :)

Winter Lessons

As kids all of us (read most of us) love(d) chocolates. Some of us over-loved (read ate) chocolate so much that our teeth started decaying or getting cavities.
So did we stop loving or having (read wanting) chocolate any less? No! Of course not.
The doctors stopped us, the mother scolded us, the world laughed at us with better teeth to show. But us? We still loved chocolates. With painful teeth, we just could not let go of our dearest!
But eventually the doctors, the mothers, the logic won and off went the chocolates from our lives (at least for the time being).
We hated everyone, made a hoopla, cried our hearts out, everytime there was a chocolate shop, everytime our friend could happily munch theirs. But then, you had to give it up after all.

Well in life, during days like today, I hope we realise if we're the chocolate or the child.
That's all!

The song, because I love it. No context.

HEAL

Why no Patronus ?!

Move On

Moving on?
Oh dear God what that is?
To not expect the calls you don't anyway get.
To not have the urge to beg, yes the word is 'beg'.
To not cry when Mom asks 'how is the weather at your end'.
To stop depressing your forever there friends.
And how?

Move on!
Bad songs.
Bad poems.
Bad alcohol.
Move on!
And how?!


Moved on?
Oh dear heart I know what that is!
To ignore the existence of your 'old' pink.
To claim your life has also changed for worse, in a blink.
To indulge in work and ignore their tears.
To push down love and pull up fear.
And how?

-Abhishikta

The Winner Took It All

In the most Bollywood (read Chetan Bhagat way),
If I make it through, through THIS, I would do something significant with my life.

For now, for the heart(s) that is/are shaken, taken, broken and not healing at all, all over, a song that once brought me peace, that is haunting me these days, and someday it would make sense, again, Inshallah!

2018, DON'T End So Bad, Pretty Please

Chhutti Khatam, School Shuru

There are no defining moments when our lives change. But nights like these definitely count as one of those. Uncertainty rules majorly for everybody here. 427 breaks!

While someone ties the knot, someone starts with job struggle, someone changes home and someone drowns in depression.

We had always known that this day would arrive, I had never thought, it would be so hard to deal with. I will miss us, as us.

Going back, with the heaviest of heart.
Vacation ends.
Bengaluru, innings two!
Please be kind.

Published

Check!

Footsteps Fading

Footsteps fading...
Slowly
And a little more,
There goes the hand you held like your own...
Slowly
And a little more.

Just like that.
Just like last time.
Just like always.

- Abhishikta

Accenture Chapter, Last Page.

Remember those serials where the aves the job with a big carton box? I had always watched those scenes and wondered what is it that they keep so much at office?!?!?

Last Friday I did something similar, being the Bollywood that I am, and the entire lane rolled eyes at:

A pair of formal shoes

A pair of stilletoes

A pair of chappals

Water bottles

Ganpati idol (not the regular small ones you see at desks)

Two coffee mugs

Packets of green tea

Note books

More notebooks

Diya (beat that!)

Horlicks 

Dry fruits + Dabba

Paper plates

Posters

Doodles

Varieties of pens and markers

Sticky notes

What am I missing?

I was shocked at the amount of things my pedestal had! 4 years is no small time you see. 

And to wrap all of that and set off. To leave BDC7C.04.279, to swipe out one last time and not be allowed to swipe in ever again, to leave that one secret prayer corner, to leave that 3year old nayansukh (which did reach up to date btw!), to leave the few people who proved that IT does give you the truest of friends, to leave the magic that Accenture is!

You can always quote Ranbir Kapoor on leaving certain places after some time "nahi toh gile shikwe hone lagte hai" to sound cool, but, honestly, phati padi hai, at the new step, the brave step, the leap of faith. Innings two, soon.

For now,

Hello Pujo :)