This is something I wrote about a week ago while I was sure never to ‘write’ again but I guess life is too long and unpredictable to make such decisions and today I suddenly feel like putting it up.
Friday, 17th of July 1:22 am, Bilaspur station: - yes that is read correctly, I have never been to a station for such a long time, our train is late by 3 hours and that leaves me with the next few idle hours, a book which would make any sane person mad (I wonder why I don’t listen to shreemoyee) and of course, my thoughts!
Coming to ‘mamabari’ has always been something I thoroughly enjoyed until the time came when my maternal grandparents sold their gold old house at “Dongargarh” but, this time it was different. Now that everyone is busy trying to find the ‘indigenous incognito of an individual’ and I am absolutely nowhere with no school to go to or college to look forward to, everyone apart from my oldest bestest friend seems to irritate me these days with their ‘ki porchhish, kothay porchhish’ and other bit of shit, my mother’s caring and genuine advice of joining one of the best five engineering colleges here left me with weird emotions.
This time while I was here, I did not look in awe at the small villages passing by or the very many small things here and consciously or subconsciously whatever it is, I started comparing each and every aspect of this place with the city of joy, my city of joy.
While my Maashi and Dada failed to understand why am I so keen to join any bad college at Kokata while I’m getting better colleges at Bhilai, the Kolkatan soul inside cries out loud. Nobody really understands the ‘phhuchka’ can never become ‘ghupchup’ for me who has grown up loving the city. They say college life is fun, maa says hostel life is the best ever but the mere thought of leaving Shreemoyee and Maa and Kolkata takes away my smiles far off.. I know that a year later probably Shreemoyee will go away as well, I will definitely regret about this decision and won’t be able to stick to my city forever but still, the ever so dry eyes gets wet at the thought of the instance when I’ll have to leave life behind.
Today, one hour forty two minutes past midnight while I listen to ‘Tania’ and write this, I am very very sad. No, not because I did not do well in my competitives, not because the pre college tension is becoming unbearable but because things are changing so quickly. Shreemoyee will be busy a year later, Prerna is goin away, Satabdi is happy to join Pailan, Aritri found a new world in city college, Debjani got whatever she forever longed for in Xaviers and thus everyone has taken a step further and here I am, still wondering how to leave behind this chhad and that chapel and those mango trees and the F.R.I.E.N.D.S behind which are all MINE.
Now, I myself have lost the link. I don’t know what I wanted to write and where this is going and while I am pessimistic and sad and disgusted and ashamed, today I look behind to realize, Hello, this is not the way I wanted my life to be.
And the music player correctly sings… “koto ki korar chhilo je”
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