Wedding Ring Tattoo, Check

 

True Love Who! ❤️

It's been so long that we've not been speaking! On stage.

Not sure about others, but I could definitely feel the change in confidence and comfort on stage, two years later, not in the most positive way. Long way from here. Very long way from here.

Start again!

Learn again!

Speak again!

❤️

May I Go To Toilet

Wasn't it just yesterday when you would slowly raise your hand up, pull your small wooden chair, adjust your skirt and say "Miss, may I go to toilet?". 

I was thinking off late, why? Why did we ever ask permission for something so basic and what would be the outcome when the alleged 'Miss' would say NO to our toilet request? Why are we conditioned from childhood to request for our basic rights? Of course we grow up, study well, score better than everyone, earn, work more than everyone but at the end, the conditioned upbringing, the conditioned mindset!? Of asking if we should eat, sleep, walk, jump, breathe, go to toilet!

Does it ever leave us? If it ever does, is the world conditioned to accept it? Does anyone's acceptance really matter? Think! Reflect! 

Here's hoping we never have to ask anyone before going to toilet ever again. Amen.

The Bollywood I Wanted :')

 

Call it Magic! ♥️

Found the perfect Hermione to my Ron 🦋

Biye Bollywood that I had always wanted

*Thu Thu Thu*

Priority Prayer for Girls!

While I'm seeing an increase in the number of Jagadhattri pujos this year (or maybe I've been out of Calcutta for way too long), I hope the Bearer Goddess bears girl child in families where they can teach her to have a voice in this world. 

Let's start from that. My prayer lists are anyhow, always, endless.

Amen.

Photos and Memories

Photographs

The importance or no importance if it in a world full of influencers and people wanting to document their lives.

A few weeks ago I visited one of my uncle's house where I saw this huge black and white album of old photos where my Pishis looked young and Amma looked like Bouma. Photos of few relatives who are no more, photos of me smiling wide and bald, my sister in objectionable clothes for a 20+ today but perfect for the 2 year old in photo. I was thinking if there were 300 variants of the same photo to choose from, if we would be happier, or just indifferent because, choices and backups.

Then there was this human I knew very close for almost 4 years of college and a year more but I have zero photos with. This is about a time when photos were a norm but sie was always too ashamed (embarrassed?). Ofcourse this human chose to leave. Hindsight I realise it is a good thing, for the lack of photos mean fading memory for me and my generation, mostly.

Then there was this human who would take a million screenshots, probably because sie wasn't as ashamed (embarrassed?). Good thing? Commits for a lifetime of bold memories since I intend to not lose this human? Who are we to ascertain! Petty humans.

But good memories are to be remembered even without photos. My uncle's generation would agree. But the shallow heart wonders, really??? 

Happy Birthday SRK

Happy Birthday SRK! The God of love!

I have been inquisitive about love of all forms and types, ages and phases, much before I even knew what love is. We hardly know what it is today as well, me, you, everyone, everywhere.

Off late I have been wondering of the fear of losing someone as the most potent form of love. Death, breakup, conspiracy, duty, condition, its-not-you-its-me, the reasons are many, many! But the same baseline, fear. And you do, all that you do, to not be afraid. A day old in love or a hundred years, matters very little.

Fear in love means less love or more!? Ever wondered!? To love someone so much that you're afraid to lose them? To be loved so little that you're afraid to lose them? A? B? Both? None? We get to choose? You have a say? You end up being the selfish one anyway, to love, maybe yourself a little as well this time? But then you were supposed to bear and hear. Who changed the game rules?

I guess we will never know what love is. Till then, Fear over Love or Love over Fear? Choose your pick! :)

And it's okay maybe if you're not the Kavya to Dhruv.

To Love... AMEN ❤️

Dida!

 There was once a woman who would call me before every exam, all exam and bless me breathless, during a time when free calls didn't exist and her funds weren't enough but motivation was, always.

There was once a woman who I believed had a special connection with God because any worry you tell her to pray for, would be answered. No worries ever, ever!

She took off 7 years ago; blessings and prayers have not been the same, would ever be?!

Corporate Slavery! Rant.

It's been a little more than 7 years that I have been a corporate slave and still, every day, the fear to lose it all is just the same. Not that I'm a rebel or business minded or artistic or passionate for anything else. Happy being the mediocre that I am. So, fate Gods, no more excitement. I am okay with the bland I have. Please. Period.

Bengal-uru

Bangalore has always had a love hate relationship with me. It has helped me grow, it has helped me be independent in ways that even Bollywood has not made movies about, it has given me solace in the darkest of nights when Hyderabad was lit in love and wine. Bangalore will forever have a big piece of my heart in yellow💛 and red ♥️ where I wake up when I want, drink when I want and even skip taking bath, whenever I want. Noone stops me from drinking ThumsUp three times in a day, noone rolls their eyes if there is no Rui Machh made or had, for weeks. Bangalore of peoples' dreams, Bangalore of my adulthood!

A city which I could never call home, a city which could never become home. Have to move back to it in almost a month, for a new chapter, a hopeful one, BUT, for a long long time, and this time, maybe forever. Still wondering to be happy or sad about it. Covid and lockdown made me used to home so much that I'd trade RB'r pasher adda over Marathalli in a heartbeat. Mangsho bhaat over Apple Cider, any day! 

The last one year at Kolkata was like a stolen aam from last night's storm at school which you know, would eventually be taken off by the Prefects but you hold on to it, as long as you can, smell the tangy perfect aroma till they snatch it away from you. Kolkata, my one true love, I have no idea when would I be capable enough to start living in you again, forever.

Till then, Booze, Brewery, Bangalore. Hollow Happy City, here we go, again. 

Cycle Of Life

It was just the other day that I was talking of being the bigger person. Remember how Obhagir shorgo had this piece about the tinge sarcasm fate plays?! WB board had done a brilliant job with the Bangla first language pieces truly!

Coming back about fate sarcasm where you are the reason people don't sleep well at night, where you stop people from doing things they've dreamt for long, where you cannot think beyond your idea of a perfect world and slowly end up in a world that just has you. Can you blame the receiving end? Who am I to tell. Fate smiles and pats its back. Well played! Well danced. You know the drill, must not be so tough afterall.

It's a cycle my friend, it is always a cycle. 

Little Things

 Little Things came like a Doshomi gift!

Even though I found the last season heavily inspired by the Before series, Dhruv and Kavya always end up wanting me to become the bigger person in a relationship, in a non sacrificial way. Ex-es and Present would be doing a left lip smirk. However!

Long Live RomComs ! 

Shubho Sharodiya!

Just in case you thought Maa Durga has all the powers this Durga Pujo, did you just underestimate the power of cab drivers and holud taxi-s, swooshing over your frantic requests with a foshka pora notun juto?

Let the power play begin (for me too, pretty please. Reporting to life, 12days straight out of sick boundaries is not even funny any more. Looking forward to a lucky 13th day of perfect health and Pujo tomorrow. Powers we're talking of here, really)

No photo because I have nothing remotely positive around to talk about Pujo right now. Nonetheless, eternally grateful to the hometeam! To tomorrow!

Shubho Sharodiya ❤️

Seeking Prayers! :)

Public acceptance of Fear to be the greatest of all emotions.

You thought it is love? Well, what is love but fear of losing someone so much that you do all that you can to make every second feel like a lifetime?

These days, borderlining fear of health and missing out on pujo for the first time in many many years, so much so that I am not even allowed to talk about it. 

Period.

Cold Mess

Some songs remind of a certain time in life, so much, all your life.

Some voices remind you to be sad, all your life.

Team it with a curved line of smoke, always team it with a curve line of smoke.

Warm Your Heart Before Monday!!

 

Bhoy Lagchhe

If only they could pay for anxiety and overthinking. 

Will my latest venture turn out to be rewarding?

Why not?!

Will I end up quitting and depend on folks to buy me a bindi packet?

What?!

Play the leader and still be a shaky 24 something shying when someone calls you "madam" and expects you to handle situations.

Me?

Pretend confidence when you want your obhimaan of not being understood acknowledged and bandaged. 

I know right!

Bhishon bhoy lagchhe. Not wanting to rethink on decisions; because no choice; but bhishon bhoy lagchhe.

Saving grace, songs I discover through sappy web series.

Gods, be kind yaaaa! Pleeeease! :'(

Here's the song btw

Jibon Ekta Juddho

Life

Myriads of yes' and nos

Myriads of holding on and letting go

Survive

Survive

Survive

Myriads of accepting show

Myriads of realizations; slow, very slow.

Life

-Abhishikta

Goodbye Is Just Another Word

When I left Accenture, I remember the Bollywood I created; cardboard boxes, turning back until the building faded, swipping and reswipping, extended farewells, notes, photos, after parties, saying Bye Bye to everyone I knew (which is a LOT of people given the social butterfly I was, given that Ecospace had 7 BDCs in total!)

Yesterday when I did the last logout from Wells Fargo, the experience was weird. 
Of course there was a farewell call, farewell cake, farewell gift, friends who wrote sappy, manager who spoke sappy, but the feeling was weird. To say Bye Bye to the first defect raised, first big stage experience, the first confident work, the first owning up, second heartbreak, many flings, million green tea breaks, Aha Andhra Biryanis, crazy hazy parties, growing old, making friends, meeting mentor, trying humour. All of that and more, Online. Also to three pairs of footwear at the pedestal that I didn't know I am losing! 

Off for third innings where the leap and risk are higher than ever. Praying to the job Gods for mercy and blessings, again. Pretty Please! 

BLR-T2-10f So Long! Thank You!

And as S said "Peene ki capacity, doston ka pyar aur naam ka khauf, kabhi kum nahi hona chahiye". 

Amen to that!

AD!

 

The journey from being meek and taking the cornermost seat at Stagecoah Bengaluru Toastmasters Club on a Thursday, three years ago, to today, being the Area Director Elect of the same club, and three more clubs, the journey has been breathtakingly beautiful.

Remembering the day when someone announced Jagriti as the Area Director and later as Division Director, I knew it is never too late to dream, when you have the inspiration, so near, dear and clear!
To put your heart, soul, blood and sweat (quite literally) and to get to see your dreams make up a rainbow! Making it sound like a struggle because it came to me after a year of rejection in 2020.
Forever grateful to Alpana and Vivek who helped me look beyond disappointments to strive, in communication, in leadership, in life!

A big emotional post to tell the world I am starting off as the Director for Area C4, hoping to do justice, and ofcourse, to Roar and Soar, with C4!

Big thank you Toastmasters District Ninety Two and Sunil for truly being the wind beneath my wings!

Cheers to a new beginning of Servant Leadership and Volunteering :)

Also,

Home Club be the cutest to do this!

Engineer! :)

7 years ago, today, I became an Engineer.

7 years later, a day spent in corporate slavery.

Grateful, thankful, blessed. Nonetheless.

Don't Jinx This, Life! Pretty Please

ज़िंदगी धूप तुम घना साया!

How beautiful and comforting are old songs. Especially these days when the skies are more grey than blue.
Anxiety, restlessness, fear!
Of tomorrow, of dying, of losing, of jinxing, of not being enough, not doing enough, not having enough.
Blame it on the rains?
The gloom, the pessimism. Or maybe it's just me.
Tired of praying, worrying and Googling.
Anxiety, restlessness, fear!

ज़िंदगी धूप तुम घना साया!

 

Baho Manorathe Sacho Abhisare Pehlu Sunil Bes
Kaajra Nayane Saagaje Bayane Kusume Sajanun Kes
Sakhi Hum Mohana Abhisari Jau
Bolo Hum Etat Sukh Kaha Paau

Have been cranky all day, all night and I suspect would be all day tomorrow.
Have researched Rituparno Ghosh all day for a TMOD role tomorrow and looped over songs. Rituparno Ghosh has been my all-time favorite Dukkhobolashi where he breaks our heart to a million pieces with a pink hammer, really!

 

 

 

Jamunar Paare Gahana Aadhare Ghanar Pavan Majhe
Piya Se Tha Mor Bedana Patar Mohe Laage Baithe Aache

I have pondered so much over the fact that so much of his work has stark tinge of Brajabuli. So much of his writings are from the perspective of Radha, so much of his words are of loneliness, biroho. When he said “Akele hum Nadiya kinare”, when he said “Mathuranagarpati kahe tum Gokul Jao”, when he said,

 

 

Sakhi Chir Abhagini Hum
Baithe Ekakini Pohano Rajani Tobo Nailo Shyaam

Shyaam! How once Radhe Radhe Shyam Milade ruled my world too. When I prayed and wished and hoped and waited. And waited endlessly. The story of eventually, literally, meeting Shyam and how it is something I do not wish to jinx somehow. Touchwood.

 

 

Sakhi Chir Abhagini Hum
Krishna Kaajare Pighala Sajare Nayaner Neer Dhare
E Kathin Patha Brutha Manoratha Biphal Abhi Saari
Sakhi Hum Kabahun Na Abhisari Jau
Dukha Laaj Etat Seh Nahin Paau

The song totally breaks my heart when she calls herself “Chir-a Abhagini”. The tale of endlessly waiting. When the heart knows the wait is forever. I wish I had not watched Chintrangada first time when I was in college and naïve. I did not understand the perspective then; of pain, loss, acceptance, peace. I do today? I cannot tell! I try do.

 

 

Brutha Manoratha Sacho Abhisare Pehlu Sunil Bes
Kaajare Nayane Saagaje Bayane Kusume Sajaanu Kes
Phir Aaju Mohan Abhisari JaauSakhi Bol Etat Dukh Kaha Paau.

A day wasted, and yet not.

Nodir Machh Khabena

 Last Saturday morning was explicitly irritating. The first being, having to wake up early. There's nothing in the world that disturbs me more than to wake up early. 

Anyway, woke up by 7 to stand in a long queue, hoping for Maa's second dose. The Kolkata summers did not help, the extreme political corruption and medicine poach did not help and eventually, after wasting my entire morning, I got a rickshaw to get back home.

The overthinker in me already had imagined a lot of deaths due to lack of covid and I was mentally creating BCP plans for all the deaths I imagined. I was stopped midway by the sharp voice of the Rickshaw wala who said, "Nodir machh khabena",

It look me a few seconds to understand he's actually talking to me. The Bangali in him explained how Nodir machh will give me covid and how by avoiding nodir machh alone, I'll outlive the world.

Hence, advise taken and now propagated.

Vaccine bleh, Nodir Machh Khabena

Oh Kolkata ! 

Also, on the same lines, these :')

Privileged Ghyan Ghyan 101

Whatsapp fb insta

Whatsapp fb insta

Infinite loop

It Rains Tonight

 

This is the time of the year when we had even semester exams in college. By now, most of you already know that I feed on nostalgia.
Iterating back, many Summers ago, there was one such night when it rained incessantly after a very sultry day, the night before exam, and I closed all the windows to study. Cannot believe I did that given the fact that rains have always struck a happy chord in me, but I did. I thought my future, my job, my life depended on it and how falsely so.
Today it rains again, I again am in a similar exam situation for tomorrow, except that my job truly does depend on it, and I am being all adult about it to look at the rains and not Java.
I wonder at times if my rants about Java are actually privilege statements while the country gasps to breathe. Probably. Definitely. Forever grateful and in fear.
However, Java Gods, Please be kind. Again, privileged prayers. Touchwood.

Mehr!

 

Just yesterday night I got all dippy eyed at the gush of heavy winds and light rain. Almost wrote a post romanticizing the rain.

Just 1hour ago, woke up to a train of continuous lighting and major rainshower and my heart knows, how scared it got.

Read the Bible for a while, prayed for a while, got scared for all the while at the wrath of nature, the wrath of Gods.

These days, everything makes my heart fear of the end of the world. These days, I am not even able to watch Grey's without imagining the worst for my family.

Sabr and Shukr you say?

Mehr! Gods, Mehr!

Plain-bland-boring but no-death life please.

Pray, Love, Repeat

The Ambulance beeps
The phone rings
Someone somewhere dies

I have been lately thinking of this life and next.
Wondering if there still is room for romance in this word of blood, pills,
Empty stares and standstills;
Wondering if there still is room for travel plans? Tomorrow? Hope?
There is so much withering, so much to cope.
I have been thinking lately of this life and next.

The Ambulance beeps
The phone rings
Someone somewhere dies

Divert your mind;
Check influencer accounts;
Plan for the big day;
Read quotes, profound;
This too shall pass and there shall be light.
Don’t give up yet, don’t quit the fight.

The Ambulance beeps
The phone rings
Someone somewhere dies

-Abhishikta

One For The Memory

 Today.

Storm Is Coming

 How, this never gets old. How.

Nit Nit

Mornings

Months

Mondays

Things so significant yet mundane. The same old alarm, the same old glass of Horlicks, the same old decision whether or not to have that thumsup from fridge every hour. 

Aprils mostly are a bag of mixed events with constant summer winds making the mornings late, afternoons unbearable, evenings sluggish. The weather outside takes off half of my energy, the other half by the worries of several exams at several phases of my life. This year being no different.

The summer wind

The impending exams

The constant tiredness

The put on weight

The list of to-dos

The worry

The little function possibility

The weekend contest

Too much to do, too little zeal. Aging already and how?!

Do not even have the mood to complain about a million different things. Glad to be able to brave this from the room beside the terrace though. 'Look the brighter side' pastor said , trying my best!

Java Gods, be kind. One more time. Pretty please.

Also, Hello Monday!

Again.

Stop Sadist Humours, Life!

 

Just when I thought I have grown out of my Ghyan Ghyan phase when I use my blog for all things Dark and Grey, comes today!
Murphy has always been way too loving towards me; and today, Murphy is testing me beyond humorous horizons.
Someday I hope I can laugh at today.
At visiting Sakra like adults.
At buying a certain something twice.
At eating incessantly.
At a 12 hour long cranky.
The situation is so bad that if what I am anticipating with biting nails come true, I will have no idea what to do with life.
This too shall pass? The tattoo is probably doing a sarcastic laugh today!
Anyway, Murphy Ji, Please be kind.
Stop the sadist humour already?

Yang Day Forever!

 

Also, note to self from the days bygone, for the days to come, or not.

Here's to fearlessness.

पहली बारीश मुबारक!

Somethings never change; across cities, age, phase!

Annual Yellow Day!

How perfect were the days when the Kolkata home, the only home I know as a matter of fact, would be buzzing with oldest friends, followed by shajugu and extensive jhaari throughout the day, on the roads for Saraswati Pujo.

This year, finally acknowledged the age and the need of Bidya, Buddhi, Java and did Saraswati Pujo myself, ofcourse with onjoli happening online from home.

Old pink Saari for the customary Bangali Prem dibosh.

When would I ever get to stay forever in Kolkata and celebrate all of this in total is a rant for everyday. Anyway!

May your Basant Panchami be full of Mangsho, Machh, Error less Code and Yellow Saari 💛

Were You There

 

Were you there when the girl was killed
Not in an accident not on a war field
When her mother’s womb was nil-d
3 months into the womb, you knew her gender
Quietly, openly, when the world accepted this blunder
Were you there?

Were you there when the girl was raped?
Sometimes in a night club, sometimes as an infant,
Sometimes from head to toe when she was draped.
The world enquired ‘Was the molester 18?’
The world shed a tear and forgot the memory, clean
Were you there?

Were you there when the girl was objectified?
First dowry then slavery, and then no education was justified.
She moaned, she cried, she looked for help all around
The world kept quiet, no one made a sound.
Were you there?

- Abhishikta

" Delaying The Inevitable…"

 Certain words, certain phrases remain etched upon our lives forever. Some to bring in happy memories, some to permanently hurt our heart, and some, to put us into a continuous loop of trust issues.

Delaying the Inevitable…

I have been told this phrase, I have told this phrase and never for good. Never, for anything that is remotely bright and positive; but then, I have never been a bright and positive person in the first place.

Then we grow old, turn 30 and meet people who put in all the efforts to actually delay the inevitable, so much so that the inevitable shifts from a smaller spectrum to a larger spectrum which is years away.
So much so that you want to believe them.
So much so that you believe that the inevitable can actually be delayed.

Which class Aunty?

I know I know! Some things we never learn.
Some phrases never leave our lives but we can just hope that some do!
Anyway, there will always be a song to remind you of it, all of it.

Chapter 5 : Leap

Phirbo Bolle Phera Jaye Naki?

 

Everytime, every damn time!

Someday when the city has had enough of its obhimaan upon me, I would get to live and die here, and happily so!

Till then, Bye Bye my Love 

Also, Bye Bye old man, I'm sure you're smoking only half of an expensive cigar while watching sunset with Dida somewhere!

Never too late to say this,

2021, please be kind.

Mandate

 

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’ve never done before?
Travelled bidesh nijer takay
Brush of covid
Tried podcasting
Went to IITM for Job fare on the other side of the table
Watched sunset neck deep inside water
Learnt driving
Enrolled in MA

 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
2020 resolution to judge less and trust more, kept, VERY MUCH!
2021 resolution, panic less maybe?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, funny since 2020 was all about people producing babies :/

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

 

5. What countries did you visit?
Thailand!
So glad for a pretty decent travel list even for 2020 travel horror
Chennai, Bilaspur, Katghora, Ambikapur, Pune, Pattaya, Bangkok, Bangalore, Kolkata, Raipur, Gangani, Shantiniketan


6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?
Money, lots of it!


7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory?
Date don’t know, but winning club level humorous speech contest was truly omaze!


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Winning Div level Humorous Speech Contest
Finishing Presidential term with 9.5 DCP
Not resigning during the extensive literal lockdown at Bangalore all alone


9. What was your biggest failure?
Java, for a long time now


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Probable Covid? Counts?


11. What was the best thing you bought?
Sofa!


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
S


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Boss


14. Where did most of your money go?
Gifts


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING


16. What song/album will always remind you of 2020?
Virah
Aisi raaton mein hamesha hoti hai mushkil


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Happier or sadder? Happier
2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
3. Richer or poorer? Same


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Studying


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Lyadh


20. How did you spend Christmas?
Ate mouthful of cake at inervals, all day with Maa, met S, S and O, drank obscene amount of LIIT, did not sleep all night and left for Shantiniketan with Pdi and R before sunrise. As good as it can get, really!


21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?
S. I think I have spent the entire year on phone.


22. Did you fall in love in 2020?
Okay?


23. How many one night stands in this last year?
Okay.


24. What was your favorite Tv programme?
Grey's Anatomy (AGAIN!) :D


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No


26. What was the best book(s) you read?
None read. Still trying to find time to finish Norwegian Woods.(A year later, exact same status, as shameful as it can get)


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Taalpatar Shepai


28. What did you want and get?
Home for 4 months straight


29. What did you want and did not get?
Did not want anything with all my heart to be honest.


30. What were your favorite films?
96


31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
Could not come home, thank you office rules.
And, very very old!


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Switch


33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?
Oversized home clothes


34. What kept you sane?
Rants


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Noone


36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Migrant workers during initial Covid wave.


37. Who did you miss?
Dida


38. Who was the best new person you met?
Anindita (if online meetings are a thing)


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020?
Stay close to home!


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
Tu Rehja Dil Ke Paas Paas
Sun Kya Kehti Hai Saans Saans
Choti Si Hai Zindagi
Phir Kyun Baithi Hai Tu udas.