Looking at the mirror and not looking at me at all!
Who is this person? What have I become?
There is a constant noise inside my head which doesnt stop! My perception of myself, my plans about myself, my bars about myself during the growing up years have become faded, I can hardly tell! There is a silhouette that is tough to comprehend.
Did I hate indifference then? Did I like uncertainties? Did I crave shade? Did I give shade?
Was I fun? Risk taking? Kind? Lovable?
It feels like a different time now. My eyes glowed different, my smile didn't come so often, my tears, oh never!
I don't know many people who can put End-of-Pujo feeling into words.
The lights are dimmer
The air is sharper
The roads are crazy empty
So are the eyes!
The heart however is full but there also is a hollow within. The shreiky post Bijoya wind passes through that hollow and makes anxiety happen.
This feeling is my Flight-To-Bangalore reminder. Somehow, the Doshomi evening, with everything else, has been my reminder of the toughest flights. That's a ghyanghyan for another post, too many old posts too.
For now,
You cannot be making plans at 10pm
You cannot be waddling in rain with white saari on
You cannot be just happy, forgetting everything!
The days of being that girl from college, that boy from para, that couple from school are over for this year
The day my mother retired after her 40 years of service.
My granddad loved telling us the story of how my mother was the single candidate selected in Mumbai interview for Doordarshan where people came from all over India. How she was the single person who wore Saari and chose 'Namaste' over ' Hello'.
My mother has always been my inspiration, someone I try to copy in most of the professional life achievement possibilities, but mostly fail!
As the joke goes, I'm justa a 'paati guaduate' meye to a mother who has done
BSc
B(Lib)Sc
MA in Economics
MA in Political Science
Mass Communication
Diploma in French
All of this along with raising two particularly difficult daughters!
All of that, with impeccable sense of self worth!
I write this, beaming in pride
I write this, hoping for her new journey;
Of doing things so cool that it would be impossible for me to chase, again!
Shared episodes with Smita, Imran, Sunil and mainly, with Bishakha, at Naveena ends; as B goes off for good!
Hence, presenting the wall which was curated with love, which gave familiar comfort, which now, would never be seen again! Even though I left this wall a year ago but still, it was right beside, to be visited;
Our major Covid shelter, our most spent warm evenings, our fate changer, this place!
Growing up in a communist backdrop, this song was played and sung every evening, on a dark grey tape recorder, after my father came back from work!
As a child I never quite paid heed to the lyrics, not that I was not a Lyrics Police, but this was way before words made sense.
When Coke Studio brought this back to me, it almost brought me a piece of my childhood of the red bricked beautiful house! And ofcourse a deep realisation that we were probably the last generation to have cherished such rich language jewels!
Also, secretly afraid of a only Hindi hugging child someday who would prefer "abbe yaar" over "dhushala"
Being a sappy moron, I've always wanted specific songs and gestures from various movies to be dedicated/copied for me. This was one such song. I remember hearing this first time in 2010, college 1st year, and the college mushy hopeful in me always thought this is the song the 'he' would sing/dedicate or atleast feel for me.
No brainer that that, never happened. Of all the men of my life, all very sweet, it's a shame that this could never make it to 'our' song. And never did I bring it up too, because this wasn't that important.
2022:
2 days ago, O randomly sent this song, And I know I know I know I know I know I know.... I remembered those sappier days when expectations were really a thing from men (I was stupid like that). We discussed how we've been wrong about wanting men to song/feel this song, to want to feel like sunshine in someone's life! And off to sleep I went.
Next morning a screenshot made me so dippy! O happened to send the same song her dad who acknowledged her to be the sunshine and 28th November, the day O walks with her husband leaving her parents towards her in-laws' ( Wedding customs are repulsive like that), he claimed he would hear it again!
Ofcourse, Ain't no Sunshine when O's gone :')
Moral: At times, love and hope comes from the most unexpected places, at times, most of the times, we expect certain things from the most wrong men, at all times, when noone else does, you sing yourself that song!
Imagine running, running all day, at times with all the energy that there is in your body, at times when the running is merely limping, but you're running, all through the day. Your body is tired, you are exhausted, you need to stop but you're not able to. You cannot. You're running.
Now imagine your brain doing the same running. All day, 3days at a stretch now. It is exhausted, but it cannot stop. Is this anxiety? Is this mental sickness? Can my brain please stop running and let me sleep for a night? Somehow!
Tarun lost his wife during the second wave. Right on his arms she breathed her last. No prior symptions, no extended suffering, the death happened sooner than we have ever read or heard about. The entire college gang gathered together at this news about their ideal college love story, the familes thought this would be the end of Tarun's sanity. They thought...
And then a year passed when all of Tarun's friends got an invitation from him;
যদিদং হৃদয়ং তব তদিদং হৃদয়ং মম:
read the card cover.
Richa, who was scrolling over photos of Tarun's second marriage was still unsure of her reaction. On one hand she of course was very happy that her friend moved on, on the other hand she wondered if something so grave can be done away with, in a year. Was she being practical or romantic or maybe, hypocritical. Shyam, pulled Richa to his side, landed a kiss on her forehead and said 'You are my one and only, now stop overthinking', and Richa smiled. Ofcourse Shyam undertood Richa completely, of course she married right and she sighed in relief that maybe her husband would have taken a little more than a year to forget her. Again, does that make any point about anyone's love!? Who was she to decide?
Later that night, Sonia, tucked away in her 1bhk at Finland looked at her college best friend Tarun's new photos; Wow he moved on quite fast, she thought. She knew she wasn'st supposed to judge. Everyone deserves happiness. She looked her phone, love words like commanding, demanding, controlling, condescending were last shared by Yash, her one and only. But then, he also makes her cheese omellete on Sundays with dark coffee, he also makes sure to book the first SRK movies for her. Of course she would ignore those words by Yash and start tomorrow morning with a Good Morning text! Also, Tarun's life decision was his, who was she to decide?
My fellow Coldplay listening partner, my fellow dreamer, my fellow hopeless lover!
At times you never know when it's the last time you're meeting a person, in their true self or spirit. We never realised ours as well.
And yet, everytime I hear yellow, I remember you. The days under the sun, the sheltered days at Munekolala, the impromptu plans on your Bullet and the many high spirits where I felt a lot of things, but mostly, I felt sheltered.
If I have to name one place in the world where standing in line for table doesn't irritate me, it is this!
My first Chelo in 2012!
And then a series of ritualistic chelos to celebrate milestones.
However, blame it on the distance, the lack of vehicle, covid scare, new market temptation and Kolkata heat, I remember not visitig this place in the last 4 years until yesterday.
Collaged two photos taken 10years apart at the same table, with more than half of the table population which was exactly the same as what it was, 10years ago. Quicky touched wood while I realised that. Of course all of them find the place overrated. Bleh :P
As the day of leaving Kolkata, again, draws near, I get over nostalgic, of course.
Not the kind of love where you're in love with them. Just the kind where you love.
Maybe the teacher who taught you to love to write; the lady you never missed texting after a java failure because you believed their prayers had power; the friend who sent Bangla poems by his Granny on sms; the mentor who would keep The Voices suppliments' cut outs for your name; the friend you'd walk the last delayed 5mins to your home, from school with; the loves!
And all of them are there, somewhere in this universe, somewhere puttting up stories, just that you don't get to see them. Just that you don't get to know them. And probably now if you do, you won't recognise them too.
We all know about the mighty Darjeeling, especially if you are a Bengali, you must have gone to Darjeeling at some summer or winter holidays, if not all!
Lepchajagat is a little hamlet, around 17km from Darjeeling which has never got its due credit, and maybe for good because there is still the old world charm of momos, tribal pork and a sense of happy trance here.
The best stay here is at the WB Govt forest bunglow which is tough to get, so, the 5-6 homestays available will do perfectly fine, as well!
Tall trees, constant fog, Hit from Sikkim, Shikhar from Nepal, these are Lepchajagat trademarks, and of course the warm people who will smile at you, wave at you, and you would know all of them in a day because they are a handful and distinctively happy high!
Mine and Maa's standard conversation post landing to Kolkata for quite many years. I was so happy when she complained about the heat last week after coming to Kolkata from Bangalore. Next it was my turn today.
I worry extra about everything to look, feel and be extra correct at Kolkata for S. I act like a C grade Bollywood aunty presenting her child in front of a marriage prospect when it comes to Kolkata and S.
So we landed, stood on the ever going prepaid queue, cursed cab drivers for finding innovative reasons for not coming and cherry on the cake, gorom!
What you see on the face? Is it sweat? It is oil? Who can tell. S looked like he'll faint any moment, even if you cut my exaggeration, he looked quite unwell, add the semi sick he has been for the looong week we had.
Worry
More worry
Even more frustration
Puffs of dust miked wind straight into our eyes,
A little peak from the mask to smell it all.
A little spray too!
Kalboishakhi!
Hello Kollolini
:')
Now, if the fate gods behave, might as well get a taxi after 1.5hrs of wait. Who can tell!
My love for Kolkata does a dramatic reminder entry on a summer evening while cherry blossom cover every corner of Bangalore, kids of the society do a cheerful play in the pool, office is about to get over earlier than usual. Everything happy, everything peaceful?
Yet I wonder how the smell of Summer is from the terrace beside my room this year?
Did Tribe introduce a new pork platter on their menu?
Has the city had its first shower of the year already without me?
Is JU having fests again?
Kalibari grounds all set with Poila Boishakh mela?
It takes immense amount of purbo jonmer punno to live and die in Kolkata, I know!
For a very long time in my life, Mamabari = Dadurbari = Madhya Pradesh ; was something I would tell my friends with utter pride when I was complimented for my non Bangla accented Hindi (yes that is a cool Bangla thing)
Then of course Madhya Pradesh got divided into Chhattisgarh and Madhya Pradesh, Dongargarh was sold off, Dida took off, Dadu followed, things got bitter, however; visiting Madhya Pradesh after so many years filled my heart!
While the winter fearing clan gets way too excited about shedding off multilayers, it also is the time for exams nearing by!
Kolkata Spring always reminds me of the impending 'School er final porikkha' (we are an old generation of April to March sessions) or college's even semesters!
The rush of wind smelling of newly opened books, the clothes fluttering in the wind singing its own lullaby, slow setting sun and an urge to go out for a cycle ride or adda by the 'parar pukur'.
With Saraswati Pujo just around the corner, my heart is so full to experience Kolkata Springs, after very many years!
How (much) are you enjoying your Spring this year?!
1. What did you do in 2021 that you’ve never done before? Married
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year? 2021 resolution to panic less, not kept, not met. 2022, reduce the smoke!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, Prajakta gave us Arjun! :')
4. Did anyone close to you die? Dadu Mesho Mrs. Ghatak
5. What countries did you visit? Bleh! But I did visit Bangalore, Kolkata, Darjeeling, Dhotrey, Goa, Chandigarh, Mcleodganj, Ludhiana, Kumbakonam.
6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021? Fearlessness
7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory? 26th April! My Engagement amidst the HUGE second Covid wave.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? CSM! Switch.
9. What was your biggest failure? Putting my parents through a lot!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Dengue! TOO MUCH of it!
11. What was the best thing you bought? TV
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Baba's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Prajapati Senior
14. Where did most of your money go? Tickets
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Goa! Wedding oath!
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2021? Sang Rahiyo :')
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 1. Happier or sadder? Same 2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter 3. Richer or poorer? Richer (This considering we're still at TTMM)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Working out!
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying
20. How did you spend Christmas? Shouted my lungs out at 83 at the theatre at the stroke of midnight Drank cheap wine
21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with? S! Again! Hello Long Distance
22. Did you fall in love in 2021? Yes
23. How many one night stands in this last year? None.
24. What was your favorite Tv programme? Grey's Anatomy Emily in Paris Good Doctor (briefly) Little Things (Last Season :'))
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes and No. Hate is too strong a word maybe. Dislike, that is the word.
26. What was the best book(s) you read? Again a year of absolutely zero reads. Shameful. Yes.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Haman Hai Ishq Mastana
28. What did you want and get? All major festivals at home :')
29. What did you want and did not get? Visiting Northern Lights for Honeymoon
30. What were your favorite films? Can't think of even 1 right now
31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? 30+ :) I was home S flew down to home We visited by lanes of Gafra and Esplanade Beer flowed Maa cooked It was perfect! :')
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Less Covid scare
33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Handeddown Tshirts!
34. What kept you sane? Maa
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Kavya
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Narendra Modi (figure)
37. Who did you miss? Dida
38. Who was the best new person you met? Noone
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021? Save Well!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
एक दिन आप यूं हमको मिल जाएंगे फूल ही फूल राहों में खिल जाएंगे मैंने सोचा न था
