THE 30th of November!

10 years dekhte dekhte aaj!
Oh Dio my Dio ^_^

Little Kindness: Rajput Jamai Niceness

D: R eka eka Bangalore e mon kharap lagle ekhane chole ashish
A: Ki kore ashbo bol, variable pay tao toh pabona
D: Tui pabina toh ki, Ami toh pabo! Aay.

Little footage, bina birthday to the stud pointer, for THIS and everything else of course ^_^
'For the night is dark and full of terrors'

Note to self on a typical 'Dewale Peeth Theka' situation

Because one Mahattam Rai told Dadu during his military days, and Dadu told me many many years ago,
"DHUNDO WAHI JAHA KHOYE HO"

Stuck In Reverse

Just because

'I will try to fix you',

It does not necessarily mean

You would want the fixing too.

Just because

'I will try to fix you',

It does not necessarily mean

You would need the fixing too.

However,

'Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you'

-Abhishikta

Since the competition decided to fail me, I shall publish this here!

Title 1: Bhaibba Komu, suggested by Sir (without reading)
Title 2: Anarosh, suggested by Titoo (without reading)
Journey Inspiration: Ankita Chowdhury

Destination Inspiration: Prajakta Yadav

Photo Courtesy: Raja Mukherjee

THE

‘So you’re sure that you do not want me to accompany you for this trek?’

Ishaan was not taking my decision to travel alone to the Valley of Flowers too well. This is the fifteenth time in the last 3 days that he asked me this question and he of course knows my answer!

‘But why Meera? You will have 9 other unknown people in the trek and what difference would it make if I accompany you? I am your boyfriend for Christ’s sake!’

It is not that I do not want to explain the reason to Ishaan but I have explained the same old logic fifteen times over,that I want to travel alone, without the subtle ‘protection’ from him. We live together anyway, so, taking a solo trip for a few days will not change anything about ‘us’.

‘Are you even listening Meera? I am talking to YOU’.

I finally had to lift my eyes from the book and answer, ‘Baby! How many times will we discuss over this? I would be FINE in the trek and we have had many romantic trips together. I want a single trip now !!!’

Ishaan did not look too happy and I have not seen him making such a dirty face to me in a long time. I knew he is angry but I do not see a reason why.

‘No Meera, this time I am not going to give in to what you say. I discussed you’re travelling alone to Mumma and she is offended. The daughter-in-laws of the Avasthi family are dignified women, they do not travel alone with other unknown people,Mumma said’

This made me totally leave my book away and look at him in amazement!

‘Okay then,Mister Ishaan Avasthi,ask your Mumma if the daughter-in-laws of the Avasthi family jump into bed before marriage? Or do they aid the men for their booze? And you my love, never ever forget, we are not married yet!’

‘And we would never be if you continue this attitude of yours Meera! Look! I’ve told you nicely and politely, but if you cannot understand that way then let me tell you this, you either go to this stupid trek of yours with me or you do not go. You have five minutes to decide or else, I leave you and this house, TODAY!’

This took me back to Hyderabad bus terminus 5 years ago.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘But you’llbe a single girl travelling! Alone!’, the ticket master said with extra stress on ‘ALONE’, as he tried to enquire on the ugliness of my face and the firmness of my breasts through his one look.

‘So give me a seat beside another lady and that solves the problem’ I added instantly, too disgusted with his eyes looking down on me, which looked as if it could scan beneath my pink shirt.

‘There is no other single woman Madam, the ladies of India travel with family. You too should not travel alone like this’

Too irritated with his moral policing, I shoved the money in, took my ticket and went towards the white bus that would take me to Pune, to my brother, who recently moved there for work. I took my window seat, there was a 9 hours journey ahead and I was sleepy. I saw families all around, the men trying to arrange the windows, the women making bottled milk for their babies, some cuddling to the potbellied husbands. I brought out my headphones and watched the bus terminus. People in lungi were selling chikki. I bought a packet of Chikki for my brother from the bus window. By this time, a man who looked a few years elder to me, in loose yellow Kurta, came and sat beside me. The bus engine growled and it was finally time to start my first ever long distance journey alone.

The vendors slowly started to fade away from sight, Hyderabad looked beautiful in the night. Coldplay’s ‘Yellow’ filled in my ears, the breeze was just perfect and my eyes felt heavy. It was a tough day at work and I came directly from my office to the bus terminus, I was tired and I needed sleep. I do not know how soon or late I felt asleep, I think ‘Suzanne’ was the last song I remember being played on my headset from that night before I was fast asleep.

Shreeeeeeeeek! The bus pulled down.

My eyes were still heavy and I was still tired. It took me a while to understand where I am, the normal thing that happens when you wake up from deep sleep. The mp3 player was playing ‘Zingadieksafarhaisuhana’, and before I could blink my eyes I realized something heavy on my chest. In the micro second between my realizing what it is and what was happening, the heavy hand shifted brushing past my nipples, quite understandably. I got cold with fear and disgust. I looked beside. The other hand of the man beside me was covered by the Kurta lines and there was movement, obvious movements, ugly rhythmic movements. The time stopped for me and I did not know what to do. I wanted to shout, I wanted to scream and slap him but not a word I could utter. I was choked, I do not know if it was anger or fear, but I could not say a word.

The man suddenly got up, the demon smiled and raced towards the door. The bus had already stopped at this place called Satara. He got down, and I was still in shock and disgust. Within moments the bus pulled in and he was a random figure in distance who had shaken my soul forever. I did not know if I was more disgusted with the man for doing what he did to me, or with myself for not speaking up for myself. I hated myself at that moment. All those classes of women empowerment, all those slogans of self-help since high school has all gone in vain. I wanted to vanish away that moment. I have been touched and felt by a man while I was sleeping and I did not slap him, I did not say one word! The bus started to take pace and suddenly I was reminded of my mother’s worries when I said I would be travelling alone from Hyderabad to meet bhaiya, Daddy told me to keep on calling him after every few hours. The ticket master, the chikkiseller, the married woman in the front seat, the uncle at the back seat, were they all right with their looks when they realized that I have no father, brother, husband, boyfriend or any other “MAN” to protect me? Is the society right in thinking that we, as women need support because we are too sublime and because we cannot stand up for ourselves. And what have I done to prove them wrong? How would I ever face myself I wondered but there had to be a way.

It was very close to morning, I could see the morning light. One of the kids in the bus started wailing for its mother to attend to it while the father snored happily. Is this going to be my future one day? Isn’t this my present as well? Silent submission to whatever the males do, no matter whoever the male is? And in that moment, I decided I will not let this incident hinder my self-confidence.  Yes, I have been a coward, yes, I did not stand up for myself out of fear but this was the first and last time ever in my life. I promised to myself, I would never ever submit to anyone ever. I will not be afraid, of anyone or anything. I am and shall forever be, a strong, independent and self-sufficient woman!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..."

I do not know how much time has passed since Ishaan’s ultimatum. Has it been five minutes already? I think it has been, because he has already turned towards the exit door of our flat. Should I stop him? But why should I? The promise that I made to myself that I will never give up to the oppressions of any man, come what may, whoever that man is, will have no meaning if I give in today. All of that because this man I love would share his surname with me some day? I understand that he is concerned and I would have loved his company but this trip I want for myself and he should understand that. At least he should not have given me the ultimatum. The smirks of the man in yellow Kurta has haunted me, left me broken for days and today, I think I am an independent strong woman and I decide how my life is going to be, at least after that night. Or am I not?

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..." What should I do? Should I stop him? Should I let him go? There are just three more steps between him and the flat door and after that I will lose him. Or wait, he will lose me instead? I was numb. These are the moments in life when you have to act and react, and this one action determines your destiny, you create your own destiny during moments like these. This is it!

“Ishaan” I said, and as he turned around I quickly added, “Goodbye!”

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..."

^_^

Careful what you wish for.

Celebrating Life

‘Well, your daughter has blood cancer last stage’ the doctor said and I looked at Maa whose face looked white. She looked at me, about to cry or scream and I tried to look cool. ‘Arre last stage, kichhu korar nei, kedona’ I said. Moments later, for some strange reason, I was all alone in some blue and white room and I knew I did not have to pretend to be cool about the Cancer anymore.
I start crying and shivering. I shouted at the Gods, “WHY! Fuck. WHY” and suddenly I knew why. All those extended prayers to the one million Gods saying ‘if you cannot bring him, kill me’ ‘if you cannot give me eventual happiness, take my life today’ were answered. I start crying.
Yes yes yes, I am a hypocrite. I do not want to die. At least not because of a certain him who sleeps away to glory or the happiness which won’t come, I do not want to die. I cannot believe its last stage. Oh God! I take back my prayers. These prayers and all those during semester where while crossing the road I instigated Gods saying ‘if you have to fail me, kill me before that’ and I always lived. And today, since I’m dying, I know the ‘him’ and the ‘happiness’ I do not deserve and some tall pretty one does. But I deserve to live. Why did I even ask for those? Life is more important than all of that. Shit!

What? The heading and the story does not go hand in hand? Ohkay tiny little hands are not meant for any hand anyway. Well. I did not decide on writing on this topic suddenly because it’s my mother’s birthday and Dida’s ‘kaaj’ day, or because it’s Udita’s birthday and her father’s one year death anniversary. I write this today because I woke up very relieved after that horrendous dream, and also because I am trying not to bring the actual concerns in public.
After a long long time, today, I am so glad that I’m alive. Subhayan told me to celebrate with chocolates and coffee. And so I should. I do not have cancer, I’m going to live another day, year, and decade. Happily or not, I am going to live. Reason enough for a toast eh?
Cheers

Place one word after the other,
Pretend to write moving poetry.
Place one foot after the other,
Pretend to be the hero of your story.

-Abhishikta

Happy Nostalgia of A Perfect Day :')

There are certain days which, even though does not turn to be too fruitful, would always remain etched in your memory. Today is one such day, 10th of November 2013, at around 4 in the morning my 'first' job happened (at least that is how I thought of it then).

The entire saga of 2days and one night, the car- local train- auto- apti- cheating (YES! I did)- results1- Yay!- wait- wait- wait- wait- wait- lines- wait- wait- wait- fever- wait- wait- written round- wait- wait- fever- wait- wait- wait- GD- results2- YaY!- walk- moonlight- dinner- skip- interview- wait- wait- wait- fever- more fever- wait- wait-wait- wait- chicken roll- skip- wait- wait- interview- smiles- long chat- stairs- wait- wait-wait- wait- lobby baji of the host college- bribe talks overheard- heat- wait- wait- wait- results3- YAY!- bus- station- croissant- local train- sunrise- sleep- station- walk- chakri ta ami peye gechhi bela shunchho- blush- walk- dawww- auto- whispers- home- happiness

And if I ever have to think of a day that was just perfect, I cannot think beyond this day, beyond today. God really gives you certain wonderful wonderful and perfect days to prove that he ain’t a bad chap after all huh? Let whatever happened be, for I would just love to cherish the memories of today as probably the single most perfect day(s) of my life.

Also, Happy Diwali everyone. My bari looks its prettiest best today, like every Kali Pujo, except that I'm not around.

P.S. If you happen to live at Chennai or Bangalore, save the candles, charge the phones and do not wear ochre pants to work for some time now!
Learn from the theke shekha expert. Do not repeat my mistakes :P And, do not wash clothes, I repeat, DO NOT wash clothes! :DHappy baarish ka mausam which will lead to the oshojjho winter all you happy people :)

যত বলি 'নাই রাতি, মলিন হয়েছে বাতি' ; মুখপানে চেয়ে বলে, 'না, না, না ।'

Teri nazron mein hai tere sapne
Tere sapno mein hai naraazi
Mujhe lagta hain k baatein dilki
Hoti lafzoon ki dhokhebaazi
Tum saath ho ya na ho kya fark hai
Bedard thi zindagi bedard hai

Karon Shohor Ta K Boddo Bhalobashi

Leaving home is never easy and never has been, at least for me. Especially when the sudden round trips cost you your entire month’s salary! Today happens to be my last day in the city and I see no homecoming for the next four long months. I have always believed that Titoo has been exaggerating about the influence that Madly Bangali has on the day before you leave home, but today, when it has been the classical case of “Tomar holo shuru amar holo shara” with him, the holiday starting and ending bit, I got back to Madly Bangali, the movie that once stopped me from going away to the much too near Chhattisgarh for B-Tech. Today it cannot hold me back, nothing possibly can. I wish I could curl up in my purple house and my purple tinted room today, forever and just stay! Just stay!

Someday I am going to be good enough for the city to take me in, to accept me. Someday for sure. Inshallah! SO, another solo fight begins and I do not wish to go. Especially this time. NOT this time, LORD no! And here comes the much too known debate on the progress of Kolkata on the IT sector and/or the influence of politics on the entire scene. How the entire new generation is out of the city and every footage, every ad, every photograph that represents Kolkata has middle aged Kakima’s doing Thakur Boron or old aged Dadu’s smiling over a haari of roshogolla! An entire generation, my generation slogging far far away (some by choice of course). I wish things could change. I’m talking too morkot aha? While Kolkata sleeps and I count my last few hours here, I realize that there is nowhere in the world I’d rather wish to be. But then, not everyone is luky with wishes. See you soon my love. 

Elam, shohor.