31st August 2014, I wake up at 4:30, because I suddenly remember that I have no socks with the formal shoe that gives me shoe bites. The man I love is heart broken I know, and he won't show, so I am wondering if I should call and check if he's fine. I decide on not waking the poor boy up so early, send him a note of love (because I am retard like that) instead. It is already 5. I get up and get dressed for the Accenture interview today, hoping to get the job that I do not deserve. Wishing.
31st August 2015, I wake up at 4:30, because I have an overpriced flight to catch in the next 2.5hours. I have a new pair of formal juto now. Then man I love has long abandoned me for who I am(yes I am repulsive that like), yet I am being my clinging self, wondering if I should leave the city again for the superficial 'fun' days far far away. I look at my perfect room, clouded sky and how everything around me would be dusty by noon. It is already 5. I get up and get dressed for Accenture Bangalore, for the job that now I know I have always deserved. Wishing.
While some people are happy with all the independence, the
literal and figurative high, the beauty that others give, I continue to miss
you dear old beloved mine, without an ounce of shame of belonging with you,
even through you abandoned me.
I shall forever cherish your old customs, saari
clad bhuri, bajarer bag, white Punjabi, weekend jilipi, sultry heat, dirty mud,
auto te prem, Bela Bose, Benimadhob, quite lanes, quieter nights, because, I do
not have consistency problems, and when I love, I love.
First things first,
Happy Birthda Gulzar Sa'ab :)
Oneday, Bishakha would also learn to love this song and not laugh at my evening bus ride song selections!
Now,
Maa told me when I told her the entire story in the evening that
she had apprehensions since morning but was too scared to ask me how is work,
all thanks to my polar reactions. However, one terrible terrible day full of
downs and ups and too much of downs after boring work days. Not that I
particularly enjoy the jazz of the mental torture of almost termination which
would have happened for Abhimanyu and me today. Such a paka I am. Subhayan
rightly said at the end of the day
“badass… wear a leather jacket to work from tom :’’D B-)
And also your Lennon shades”
I will remember being this screwed for a long long time. Won’t
write much because well, do not want to be caught in another policy violation.
However, lessons learnt today:
1. Never I mean NEVER forge a signature: It can land you in
deep deep trouble one fine Tuesday morning when you already have one million tensions and sick leave plans.
2. If that means not helping a person who tolerates your
shit every darn day, you might re-think: People and bonds matter the MOST after
all. Figurative bonds. What else do I have in life anyway other than these very very few good people
around ^_^
3. HIJKLMNOP state attracts, absorbs and produces the most selfish,
cruel and unreliable people: You cannot count on them. They will hurt you where
it hurts the most. Blessed you are if your work team has no person from there. Pardom
my racism. Someone please prove me wrong :(
Did I say please? D’uh
4. Accenture Vajras are as wonderful as wonderful can be: Oh
yes! OH YES! Not all Bangalore people are bad after all. I don’t know if it was
Abhimanyu’s Ranchi connect or my puppy face. The Vajras really really saved the
day. I would have been at the hospital, traumatized by now.
5. I have superpowers of shit talking which can convince n-1
people in the world: Yes, n-1. Let that be. But I am so happy with myself. What
would you do without me and my awesomeness? YES YOU! WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITHOUT
ME? Bleh.
6. I am coolest: Koi doubt matt rakhna. Also, Thank God for the little mercy and the narrow escape. Phew!
And, for the room with the amazing late night road view, the
Cherapunji-ness of Bangalore for the lightning and the clouds from the open
fourth floor window which is perfect for a high jump(oneday for sure). The grey sky and
white clouds and whiter lights look so lovely after such a horrible horrible day.
Clouds. Aha! They have always been lovely to n-1 people. WHY ME! -_-
Sunday afternoon and a little time before another food overdose and lots of things to say
so that I just read and smile and/or (most definitely feel sad for the
pessimist that I am) feel sad, few years down the line, if at all I survive
that long.
Yesterday’s visit to the station was very exciting. The
sight of the Howrah-Yashwantpur at the station, standing all empty made me want
to go back to the place where a few people love me still (little mercies)! Met
Sejuti’s parents today. The way Uncle held Aunty’s hand throughout, made me
misty eyed. Aunty suffers from Dementia and Uncle has been so patient with her ever
since. I could capture the moment he started praising Aunty’r singing and
teaching and Headmistress-hood, play it over and over again in my head to
believe that there still are people who love constantly and consistently, COME
WHAT MAY. Aunty, who understands very little of what is going on around only
trusts Uncle, who does not shout at her, even with the constant nagging,
domestic help, medical help, and what not. Both of them left their jobs voluntarily
when her Dementia was discovered, and today I heard the story again, without
even a tinge of regret in his voice. On one hand I was very very happy to see
such a couple, so perfect and on the other, I knew I wont have a chance to experience
something even remotely similar to that. I know how it is to remind the only person you love so dear that they loved you too, every single day and hoping that they will realise someday. But doing that with such grace, patience, optimism and love, I wonder how much I have been able to do (zero results), I dont know how much I would do. Silently waiting with bunch of complains to God and actually doing all that it takes to keep each other happy are diferent things. Sigh. Maa was so happy when I said “jano
arrange marriage eo etto prem” but then, I disappointed her with the reality
checks from me. I think she would be able to forgive me someday for this, and
the shame that I will bring her. Someday.
Coming back, today was our first day of college 5years ago.
I did not remember this this year. Strange?!? Olivia reminded me in the
morning. Poor her, has been tolerating my nonsense for quite sometime. So, day1
of college. Still feels like a dream. Auto-bus-bus-auto and there was Pailan
with all of its ugly pretty future days. Olivia very fondly remembered how Sidd
sat behind her during the Sem1 finals and it has been a story ever since! I remembered
a similar Sem1 physics practical but could not proudly talk about its consistency.
Ashamed I am not but to be someone’s story of shame or to be a story of pride kick is not something I particularly
enjoy. So as I was saying, college! I don’t even know if I should be thankful
for the lifetime of memories and love it brought me or the lifetime of
loneliness but yes, if I could, I would happily relive all of that, all over
again, even though now I know, what follows eventually. Oh Pailan!
And a little serious thing. Bangalore goli’s are definitely
not safe for girls. We were under the impression that Bangalore is as hep and
safe as Mumbai and tried a Girls-Are-Brave-Enough stunt, 2:30 at night and got
horribly hooted at. And yes, when you face a gang of 10-12 drunk men in the
middle of the night with “Raat kete jabe” comments and hooting, you do not gather the bravery of slapping them
back. You walk faster so that the empty goli with ample street light goes out
of sight soon. Makes me a weaker individual I know but then, I was afraid. The
voice of fear with which Maa scolded me at 11:30 in the morning today, after I woke
up, because my phone was off the entire morning was very sweet of her. The new realization
that if something ever happens to me, she will be lost. Also, to everyone,
there is a Maroon diary on the right hand side of the second rack of my
Almirah. Bishakha and Olivia would know what to do with anyway. But yes, Bangalore
is not as safe at night as I thought. Definitely not. But to sit and chat on
any of the main road pedestals, all through the night and end up with cracked
voice the next day is something I could not have done at Kolkata. One new thing
that way. Good? Bad? Lets not get into that. However, if I survive myself and if I adopt a girl child, I will teach her
kickboxing. Khub dorkari.
Also, Thank God for the Accenture carnival on Friday. I
would have completely broken down after 3 days of continuous depression
otherwise. The claps and music somehow saved me from drowning. I would have definitely
given up on trying-to-be-enough- for-myself otherwise. And the closing dance
performance before I left for the drenched bus ride
Those who know me well enough these days know the fact that there is a certain 3am possible story which has made me give up on a certain thing for the past seven months. I happened to experience a similar 3am driving story Saturday(Sunday?) where Maa was a little worried sitting far away at Katghora and I reassured (Jeet toh amar aakar school er bondhu). Passed bangalore, Kanakpura road and Guruji’s ashram on the right where his big bright photo was the only thing that glowed, South Indian dhabas that sell chips and NOTHING else at night, chilly winds, Bumbi’s hair looked very hero-like with the wind, Bishakha’s cracked voice, a very good playlist and zzzzzzzz
I woke up to Jeet’s “WAKE-UP SONG Bajachhe driver” from behind to realise people were smiling with half sleepy eyes to “बालमपिचकारीजोतूनेमुझेमारी तोबोलेरेज़मानाख़राबीहोगयी मेरेअंगराजाजोतेरेरंगलगा तोसीधी-सादीछोरीशराबीहोगयी”
I was like shit-this-is-like-in-movies-like-the-movie!!! Those who know me well are supposed to know that I am sucker for Bollywood moments. That kind of is the reason behind my state these days, but whetever. I was happy for that one moment. The place we went to was pretty, but it kind of was not a very happy place for me because I have photos and videos of the same place of people who don’t care and that tokri boat which had me also had people I love few months ago and we all could have been on the same boat somehow but well. Row row row your boat gently up the stream much!
Also, I look horribly fat these days, the cakes make up for all the missing dessert and the wonders of rice in every food preparation will eventually make me look like a football. Ishh! And, 73days to home. Yay! Little(only) joy because pretending to be happy is not a very happy thing. Koi na, hota hai :)
