Over time and experience and love, I have started to become
this agony aunt. Partly because I am insecure big time and party because maybe
I am not a good human being after all.
I part of me dies every time I realise how my lifestyle
would be completely different from my mother in the coming years, the life
would not quite be different though :/
Midst all these I graduated on the 25th. One
nice day after and before too many not nice days. But
heck yes, I am a graduate now! Big deal? It is :)
I have also started to be this desperate begging machine.
What is wrong with me? There used to be times when I would be this nasty
prefect to juniors and sarcastic bitch to seniors, nose stuck up in air. And
today? I beg away to glory forgetting what self respect has ever been.
You always get back what you deserve; you also get back what
you give. The god, the bad, the worst! Guess it’s my turn now. And I regret
laughing at people about certain things which has been folded back at me by the
fate monkey. You folks can have your share of laugh now at my expense.
They don’t even call me to Bangalore. Now you know what I
meant when I said I’ve become an agony aunt?
It will be all party and happiness in the next 100 days in
this part of the world while I probably would be sitting with strangers or
alone, eating things that I don’t like and missing everything because. Ah. And the
funny part is, nobody else would miss me back during that specific time.
I AM at my pessimistic best since yesterday for various
reasons and the things that go on absolutely fuel the mood. It is like the fate
monkey throwing the rotten bananas at me.
Nothing, NOTHING depresses me more than rude talks and
rejections and here I face both off and on. I was not prepared for this bit of
life after college to be very honest. What I imagined was patta from here there
everywhere because you feel and are grown up and a graduate (almost) but I see
people judging me for my “biyer boyesh” and “chakrir boyesh” at every social
gathering I go to and I leave all to the distant future with a smile. I have
been recently rejected at an article because I was not good enough at a place
which gave me a leetil hope until the denial of course. I have also been endlessly
waiting to join the company that still gives me hope, although end September-October
will see me crying and complaining. But that is for later. Recently I have also
been introduced to the politics that happens professionally and Maa happily
told me to learn to shut up and speak when spoken to or need. I mean WHY! Why
so much of this and that. Why can I not ping and pang like I always do without
the slightest bit of doubt and fear. Why can I not exactly write what my
problem is, at this point of time which makes me write this vague shit. I will
so break down or break away I swear.
The good things? Little mercies in life? Yesterdays cycle
ride back home in rain, fully dreanched through the almost empty lanes, after a
long long time, which again freaked Maa out because it is like everyone is
suffering from Viral. I also loved the back strokes yesterday where I could see
the rain drops falling right on my face ^_^
That counts? For all the nonsense that life is giving me? Am
I asking for too much? Maybe.
It is the 21st of June this year and before I
sulk away to glory and forget, last year today was veeeery sweet. I left my
specs at a distant graam called Sonarpur during our summer training last year
on the 20th evening and as always, was all sad about it. So, on the
21st morning the soon-to-go-abroad-man called me to meet, pretty
early in the morning, and I thought it was to say bye bye. I was so pleasantly
surprised when he handed me the specs back. He went all the way back to
Sonarpur early in the morning, sacrificing his morning zzzz, to get my specs,
gave it back to me and rushed off to catch his bideshi flight :D
Sweet that was! And I was so touched. Why can I not name him? Because I am
supposed to behave in a specific way to please people and I am also supposed to
say things keeping in mind how those will affect the future of people and mine.
And what not. I am so sick and tired of everything. I so needed a holiday.
That was one 21st June and today is another. Many
things have changed and many did not. The love and care and affection from two
people that I get, I should be eternally thankful to the omnipresent for that,
yet, I think I deserved a little more. Or, maybe not. The rude talks and word
slapsticks atleast could be avoided God? No? Sigh!
Oh and now I remember, today also is the birthday of a girl
called Priya Mukherjee who was so smart and cool that I used to totally idolize
her back in school :D
Happy Birthday :)
I miss school so much. SOOOOOOOOO much!
So college is over. What started on the 9th of
August 2010 ended on Monday, the 2nd of June 2014.
To be very honest, I was NEVER happy about being at Pailan,
never happy with what I was studying. I
started off with dreams of being at JUDE and reality took me through
auto-bus-bus-auto to Pailan College of Management and Technology every morning
for a 12 hour long story. From the professors to infrastructure to placements
to fests to fresher’s to farewell, there is not one thing about Pailan that I
am proud of, yet, today when I sit back and read the farewell notes that people
wrote to me, I cannot stop crying.
Crying? Yes! I do not remember crying when school ended yet
school days were the best phase of my life. Back then, when people claimed and
promised that nothing would change and ties break not, I believed it that way.
Today I know that all of that is nonsense. Yes the ties break not and yes you
do meet the selected set of friends, because meeting the specific them is most
convenient and not the others, for whichever reason(s), but nothing remains the
same. Not one thing. EVER!
Come to think of it, Pailan has taken away from me much much
more than whatever it has offered, yet my mind cannot slip away the four years
that marked most of the ‘firsts’ of my life. It is not the college that I will
miss; the college happily harassed us even on the last exam day but the people
and the feeling of being a student. Officially I would be on my own after
results are declared in a month or two (passing is required but let me not
get into that angle) but in reality, the college ended and today, this moment,
I am ‘bekaar’.
People were in tears after the farewell dinner. That is when
the feeling of shit-I-won’t-get-to-see-many-of-them-ever slowly started
crawling inside. When I reached home late, Maa gushed (not in a nice way :D)
about crossing her return-home-by-this-time deadline and when I said ‘ei toh
shob shesh’ she said how happy she is that her duty of providing me the basic
education is over and of course, that I will not have to go to the distant village
every morning. Like really? The phuchkawala was atleast sad about us going and
treated us with unlimited phuchkas for Rs.10 each on the last day. Now I even
miss sulking and boycotting him for the last 2 years for a petty fight in 3rd
Sem.
I hope to have years ahead that will make me miss these 4 years in a happy way.
The terms and equations will change and that is part of life. In today’s world,
being in touch is no big a deal. Still, one little corner of my heart is heavy
today. Choked. Who knew? We experienced
two KKR wins and a World Cup win in the mean time too! PJ? Well. Errr :P
Like and unlike many, I did not mind going to Pailan. Was
lucky to find good people around. Won’t name them because I am sure to miss out
on a few names and years later, like when I am 80 and doing a little jig and woofing with arthritis, when I read this, I would not want to remember
how I felt for anyone with any wrong impression. If we talk of memories, I will
again miss out on many! Am sure to meet many of the friends and acquaintances
in future but the sad part is, I would never meet them all of them together, at
one place. I know I am just going on but
I just feel bad right now and nothing helps more than writing.
Because a bit of me still lives at those classrooms with red walls, the
intentionally broken tables, unintentionally broken tube lights, the cemented
seat at Ganja pukur, cafeteria beside the septic tank, Lipton stall and
overpriced food, the chhad, jol bhora roads, haat, the long stretch of open
land and Bollywood road from PCMT to PSIS to World School, the stone chips
which were the hotspot in winter. A part of me would forever be ashamed of
ranking 42369 and the other part of me hates the first day as a graduate
(almost).Because a part of me will always be fighting with the teachers for not
letting us sit together for internals, having ‘phau’ phuchkas at Selim’s,
planning to run away without paying for the cold drink at Suresh da's, setting up horrendous
outings, asking about nit grits, standing at the no uniform line and slipping away
with weird names at the register, doing extensive PNPC about every possible
person, falling in love at random graphs, admiring the buzzing rehearsal rooms, hiding the 29 cards at the sight of techers (read BG), sulking about the college at the college. Because THAT long U shaped corridor,
THESE friends, THOSE long bus rides, THIS orange white and blue building is
mine. And shall forever be.
