A Letter To A 40 year Old Me

Dear old Abhishikta,

I hope you woke up today on a warm and cosy bed with a loving man beside. I hope you love him just as much.

I hope you are not a house wife. If you are, woman, you have failed yourself and your mother. I know for a fact that you cannot be that by choice. Ya Ya Ya I know you have become a housewife for the children, the family and husband who clearly cares not. Damn! You are actually not working? Remember those nights during B-Tech or high school when you were studying and sleeping and studying? Maa took leave from office so that you could just get the princess treatment during the exams? All of that for THIS? So that you could just make others happy just because they favoured you with a married status? Consider yourself dead! I could not be more ashamed of you! And you may not read any further and do the dishwashing instead.

Other than that woman, I hope you are still married. The husband is happy with you? No that is a wrong question. Men can never be happy. They need to inflict their sad nature as guilt. Do you feel miserable? All the time? Awww. The real question is, are you happy with what you have given to your man? If you are not, loosen up a little maybe. Men are fools and they need more care and attention. At 40+, I am sure you will have no more patience to understand this. You would probably not care anymore. That my dear would be wrong. Save the marriage! Give more love and compassion. You love him very much. You can make him love you again as well. Without quitting your job. I know that is possible!

So how does it feel to be in your 40s my dear? Do you have all your teeth intact? Maa told you so many times to brush twice a day remember? Should have listened to her! You dye your hair no with grey hair coming in? Highlight it Purple once will you? You really wanted that done in your youth.  DO you have a car? Your own? Or do you too depend on your husband dearest to drop you on and off to and from places on a daily basis? Get yourself a car! I know you can afford it. Not because you don’t want your husband to drive you, but because in your 20s, you really wanted to have one of your own.

In the last 3 years, I hope there has been atleast one outing each with your mother and inlaws? Go visit them soonest if that is not the case. Do you live in Kolkata? India? No to both? Ah sad! I wish you could change that a little. Try and shift base in the next 10 days. Your Mommy needs you to be in the same city! Country atleast! She has no son to hang around there always remember? And more importantly, you need the city. Wait? Did you just laugh at this point because you are all set and happy abroad? I wish! If that is not the case, my condolence to you and sympathy to Maa.

So how is work? Do you teach at a college? A school? I would be so happy if you would nod to that! Now that you are in your 40s and stuck up with your regular routine, I want to remind you, as a young girl, you really wanted to study at JUDE and eventually teach there, or at DIO so that you could always be in touch with young fresh people and stay young at heart. Now that you are actually doing it after Btech (why do you not have a few more degrees btw? You really wanted more degrees! Get ‘em now! Never too late. Go distance education) I am really relieved. And proud. Or wait, have you dropped that dream and are earning in some MNC? So that you can afford more shopping? Good! As long as you work and not ask the husband for money to buy a bindi packet everytime, I am happy!

I hope you have one child of your own atleast? No? That explains your failing relationship. It’s high time you plan. Or wait! Do you have twins? Awww! Is there a financial and emotional crisis because of that? Oh no! I wish you went a little slow with your decisions. I wish you were a little clear in your head about your future. But trust me, all shall be well. Give it time!

Do you footpath shop still? At times? No? Never? Woman you have become so much like those women you never wanted to be like!  Does your mp3 player or phone (or whatever technology would be in at that time) still have old Hindi and Bangla songs? No? It just has English jhingjhang because that is cool and posh? You just made be very very sad! I hope you dance at trial rooms still? No? Because you are fat and nobody admires you anymore? Get back to 50 kilos. The admirers probably you won’t get anyway but you would have not admired yourself with overall weight beyond 50 when you were young! You used to freak out at 49kgs only Remember you were always worried that since you are so short, if you get around 60-70-80 kilos, you will look like a football? Well you have become one. Change that!   

Have you visited the London Eye yet? No? Because no one else agreed? Because the husband stays away? Because there is not enough money for your fun? Because if you give yourself some time the family would suffer? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? Get to your bank, get all the money and visit that right away! I am so shocked that most of your dreams of younger times have just vanished? And why? Now tell me, do you cook all the three meals of the day? And the house has no maid? Oh No! WHY?! Or wait! Do you have a fixed home? Or is it rented and shall be that way for the next 20 years? Are you happy? I doubt. Did you atleast learn 5 new exciting things in the last 20 years? Ouch! Are you in touch with Shreemoyee? Call her right now! You know she wouldn't. I hope you have attended the college reunions. You really really enjoyed the meetups when you were young.

This letter I am writing to you, because during the Summer and Monsoon of 2014, you had a million dreams and were deeply in love. During that time you were just so unsure about what you do with major love and life decisions. You did not trust men yet had faith. I hope your faith is not ruined. I hope you have successfully conducted a professional and personal life till now and will continue to do so! Don’t be a housewife ever! As a child and teenager, your main fear was that every man will turn you into a submissive housewife cum maid. I hope you have fought. That does not mean I want you to lead a life where nobody expects anything from you and in turn, you would dare not expect anything back. I just hope you are happy. And if you are not, you still have 20 more years before you die (theoretically) to fix things. Wait. I hope you married the man you planned to atleast? With mutual consent. I really really pray that Maa is in good health still. If those two have two YES’, I am sure the rest could be fixed with time and effort.

Atleast get some peace. Nothing more. Noting less.

Love.

A young and unsure You!
All the best!

July 2014

P.S. Do you HAVE  to eat alone at restaurants these days everytime because you don’t have company? Or watch all the sappy movies and cry alone? And you pretend to enjoy that? I know your answer. Thank God for once!