The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse

"What is the bravest thing you've ever said?" asked the boy. "Help," said the horse.

I had taken a long hiatus from reading until 2025, when I realized I had become intellectually stunted to the point where my 20-year-old self would have rolled her eyes. I used the same words and adjectives, "very" for both moderate and extreme, and "beautiful" for beautiful, lovely, and extraordinary. Words started to fail me. The AI revolution had made me a slave to quick fixes, starting with emails and, before I knew it, I abandoned pens and typing altogether. Nothing much has changed since that realization.

"If at first you don't succeed, have some cake."

I picked up The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse yesterday after an anxious work day. It was a farewell gift to S from Alpana, and I blindly trust her choice. Of course, S had kept it neatly placed, with its edges protected, on one of our new shelves. I picked it because it had drawings—hand-drawn, with a tea cup stain, and handwritten prints—somewhat giving the feels of "The Little Prince."

Verdict: OMG

"When the big things feel out of control, focus on what you love right under your nose."

The book is from the self-help genre, a genre we detest and have a carton full of giveaway books of. But never did I imagine something so simple could be so deep. You can pick up the book and start from any page. The story moves through drawings and scribblings. We know the end from the beginning, and yet, every line is a masterpiece.

Hence, book 3 of 2025! So glad we met.

"Sometimes I worry you'll all realise I'm ordinary," said the boy. "Love doesn't need you to be extraordinary," said the mole.

So Boring So Perfect

Luchi

Ghum

Bhashan

Chelo Kebab

Thank you Thakur!

Touching wood profusely and worrying about next year already.

Dukh Dard Literal Peeda

 Dental Gods, please stop the circus :(

Hyderabad Redemption and How!!!

Never too late to Master...

There's an old photo at my home in black-and-white. It shows mother in her college years, wearing a neatly pleated cotton Saari, straight long pleated hair, a black graduation robe and a rolled paper in her hand.

I had looked and admired that photo during growing up years before paper photos lost their way.

As I had always dreamt to achieve all that my Maa did (and still does), I kept imagining how I would look in a graduation gown for very many years. Then there was a long hiatus.

Nevertheless, so happy to finally know that's how !

Post-Graduation!

MBA, 2025

P.S. Hyderabad has finally redeemed itself of its many heartbreaks to me in phases !

Why So Unkind

And jaaaaast when you are almost about to count Calcutta as a blessing, the city makes you feel unwelcomed, unwanted, guest-like

Almost fighting for my piece of land. Trying every bit for acceptance. 

But for how long!?! Why this step daughter treatment. Why no sympathy? Why so unkind?

One blessing finally without fighting my way through the basics of life? Atleast? Please?

Calcutta 300

"Teen Show Taka," said the Uber driver.
"Thik Ache Sir."
"Cash deben kintu."

Nisha shrugged and started searching through her bag for cash. The Calcutta rain began pouring, washing away eleven years, taking Nisha eleven years into the past…

---

2014

"Teen Show Taka," said the yellow taxi driver.
"TEEN SHOW?" Nisha exhaled and looked at her pink purse, which she had purchased especially for her first day at her first job from Esplanade.

She started counting all the tens, twenties, and fifties from its various zipped 'pockets'; together, it made 360 rupees. A mental calculation of 50 rupees for lunch and 10 for evening laal cha left her with exactly 300 for the taxi now. But what about the return commute from work? She fished more and found a few five-rupee coins, enough for a non-AC bus ride home. Phew. Sorted.
"Thik Achhe Kaku, cholun taratari, khub late hoye gechhe.”

She cursed all the rain gods and her luck for this late start on her second day of work. How could she be late on her second day? 300 rupees would now be unnecessarily spent on a lavish taxi.
‘Eka Eka Taxi Chora, Moja toh’.
But three hundred rupees was her budget for three days of travel and food.
"Maybe I’ll take some money from Mom," she thought.
But now she was a working lady; could she ask for money? Is there any acceptable age after which children cannot ask for money from their parents? She knew there isn't.
Anyway, she sighed, and then some more.
“Tomorrow, must start early,” she repeated to herself a thousand times.
The yellow taxi swooshed through the Calcutta monsoon.
Eleven years passed by!

---

2025

Nisha still does not have cash, but this time, it is out of choice and mostly laziness to visit an ATM.
"UPI neben Sir, please"
"Extra ponchash lagbe. Brishtir din."

Nisha nodded and smiled as the white Uber swooshed through the Calcutta monsoon.

One Way Ticket

 It's been a few weeks since I moved back. The main reason to not shed many tears while leaving Bangalore was the racism that has emerged out of nowhere. But here,  in less than a month I've heard "admi log k beech kyu bol rhi hai aap" from a broker (I blamed his education); "saali double battery" from a random audience at Bassi's show (I again blamed his education, a little to loudly this time); filled a police clearance form asking for "spouse name/পত্নীর নাম" like it's impossible for a Bengali female to fill the form unless they want only lesbian couples renting out (again, education?). What's with this sexism all around. Calcutta was never this way! Or I have been in blind love? Like always in love? Was this all a mistake? Like always in love?

But then, last Friday, I drove through torrential rain and heard Jimmy on Dilse; my heart instantly knew, all shall eventually be well. One way ticket, was and would always be worth the struggles. Inshallah :")

Video is for the doubt days. But cut down on sexism, you.

Puff

 तुझसे नाराज़ नहीं ज़िन्दगी हैरान हूँ मैं

Life Lately

Staring at a blue wall

Staring at clouds

Staring at cold mountains 

Looking away from crowd

Reevaluating decisions

Fake laughing loud

Trying not to be ungrateful 

Almost making myself proud

Chapter 6: Homecoming

 

25.5.25

 Ten years in Bangalore

Viva Jitters

 11 years and still the same stomach rumbles 😃

Preach?!

Never did I ever think that I'm going to be one of those night howling Aunties but here, hear:

DON'T be preachy about sacrifices. Who can bear how much does not prove anything about anyone. It's not cool, not even mildly sophisticated. It's unbreathable. 

That's it.

That's the post.

If I make it out of this situation someday, would write at lengths. But today, sleepless, but, that's it.

Healing Prayers

It's so funny that today's troubles seem so huge that we are ready to trade something from the future for them. And when that future arrives, you're left with disappointment. Gibberish reality.

I once traded not obsessing over H from my future for passing a Semester exam (Economics was it?). Or was it a job?

"Please God let me through this and I won't trouble you with silly things like H in future"

Etto beshi paka chhilam.

2025

Disappointed 

Pricked 

Tested

Healing prayers 🙏 ✨️ 

Last Semester

Excited about the possibility of today to be the beginning of last semester mid terms. Calling all Gods to not ignore my marks requirements just because I have obsessed over other things way too much. Blessings for the greedy child. Today, Sunday and till End Semester results and beyond :)

Song because, pretty!

Bhalo Lagchhena

Fussing over calendar for a while now, every morning. Gods? How much wait? Please.

VPTPZ

When I last looked at the standing desk today which was oh-so-fancy just 7 months ago, the submerged thought waves just swam past up. 

Did I take the right decision of giving up on big girl role? Will the male management remember this during appraisal? Isn't this too late for brave chances? Where was all this courage when you were young and naive?

Chakri thakbe toh?

Gratefulness. Anxiety.

 

Opposite of Self Worth

Dependence and Independence 

Independence has been a word of pride and extreme honor for Indians. As women, specifically, it's a milestone of pride and honor to be able to achieve it.

A certain turn of life events made me realise that we, the financially and academically privileged women have probably never understood Independence.

Why is it that we still need biological and emotional biscuits to be thrown at us despite all the 'Independence'. Does that make us independent in the first place? Slowly slipping into a deep dark mind line where there is no light and a lot of dependence.

Did you know that the opposite of self worth is dependence? I figured, just today.

Meet me in Montauk

Of all the things I wished to be
I wished to be Clementine
Keep dyeing my hair
Keep pretending I am fine

Your Girl Tried Slam Poety!

 

New thrill, unlocked :)

Chak Le India

As I gear up for the big test tomorrow, accepting the age and phase of medical supremacy; watched this girl while coming home from a movie, curly hair denim jacket with a big slice of pizza and a tall glass of colddrink outside a food joint named Chak Le India!

While we could not enter annny restaurant for the long waiting due to Valentines+ Friday night, with all of these young couples, bouquet in hand, misty perfume, constant smile; this curly haired single girl reminded me of myself, of hopeful Valentine's and solo dates.

Am I becoming an optimist already?

Tube tests should be a breeze then?

Ah!

Dedicating a song from my older self to me today. Absolutely needed.

:(

Grown Up Valentines

As a child, adult, always been a fan of Valentines Day! This time even managed to convert S into a Valentine's week celebrating husband. But ofcourse fate HAS to blow out the candles before it's 12

Here comes tube test and job scare. Just when I thought that things are finally going my way! H and the home I dream of was just getting clearer on the horizon and poof; the horizon is as far as it seemed 3 years ago!

Dear God. Why! 

So I will spend Valentines this year, convincing my manager's manager why I am a wrong fit for his bizzare plans for me and myself, that I can do the tube test without Anesthesia. 

And you, say a small prayer for a boring Bangali 10-7 job hugging Kakima life for me please! I've had enough thrills and unconventional jazz.

Totally hoping for mediocrity and 'regular'.  Please.

Mrs

 

Watched the movie?

While I understand the emotion and passion most women felt after watching it, I kept questioning how it ended. It did not show a change of heart of the other genders, or of the women who preach marital slavery. It showed what a brave woman did and what all women must do. But, did not show a magical transformation of the society, or the family, or other women who 'belong' to the kitchen.

So either you live alone or you slave away to Sindoor glory?!

While I wholeheartedly loved the movie,

Would not watch again.

Too much reality causes too much anxiety.

Had to immediately go watch Sex and the City to feel better!

Coldplay. Not Getting Over This.

ColdPlay!

 First story of this epic Adventure of a Lifetime!

2016 was when Coldplay first performed in India and I could not make it because of various factors like heartbreak, pocket crunch and utter disbelief in Global Citizen; money being the primary reason.

That day there was a decision, rather a prayer to be able to afford the next Coldplay in India, both money wise and life phase wise!

But when I tried my best and did not succeed with the tickets this time, A came to our rescue to take my dream up and up! So thankful for such amazing people in life ❤️

My pocket has a pinch, but heart is so full, primarily for being able to afford this and also, to be able to do this with S ❤️

Ofcourse my t-shirt is self painted because in my heart, the lights to guide me to Holud Taxi home! 💛🩶

 P and I, this one for you two too, my OG Coldplay admirers! Shouted and sang a little extra for you! ❤️

Universe, Thank You :')

Hyderabad Airport After 5 Years!

 

Visited Hyderabad airport today after 6 years for an expensive flight with layover (do the Math for non layover flight to Ahmedabad now)

Anyway, rather proud of myself of how mature or rather, cold (?) I've become.

For my future fans reading my memoir, Hyderabad was the work place of two prominent loves of your star's life and hence a place of frequent visit. 

All of that until nothing remained and I avoided Hyderabad completely. 2019 November during Pooja's wedding was when I visited Hyderabad airport last time, for a layover flight to Raipur and the amount of physical, mental, emotional trauma it caused, made me almost pledge to never step foot here. Pondering over now, probably this was why I always said no to Gandikota plans (which I must visit soon-ish).

So, your star had an encounter with her star crossed Hyderabad today and had only happiness and chicken and full fat Pepsi! Time really heals you? Or teaches you to deal with memories? Or gives you something more prominent and potent today to feel and often, to worry about?!

Who am I to tell!

Grown up much to deal with all of this with my freshly home cooked red hair by S! 

Kid you not! :D

Mandate! Hoping for Magic, 2025

 1. What did you do in 2024 that you’ve never done before?

Podcast

Travelled international with parents 

Got a company award on a very big stage

Tried and loved vape, regretted instantly 

Bought a cooler 

Got a big rod with a fancy camera go inside my vagina in the name of a fancy medical test

Spoke to 350+ girl students on studying 

Drove a big car

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

None kept

Hoping to read atleast 12 books this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Pooja. Can't believe it even as I type this.

5. What countries did you visit?

France, Italy, Switzerland, Vatican City, Belgium

In the country: Kolkata, Sikkim, Chandigarh, Kolkata, Chandigarh, Kolkata, Chandigarh, Kasauli, Rishikesh, Saharanpur, Delhi, Kolkata

6. What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024?

Hreed

Job in Kolkata 

7. What date from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory?

Watching the Eiffel with Maa

Big fight at Chandigarh 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Bidesh with parents. 

Promotion (the uselessness of it came later)

9. What was your biggest failure?

Health! Absolutely rotten.

Not getting a single new job in 12 months!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

None that showed. But the sick lifestyle has made its mark and how.

Also, constant anxiety. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Nothing interesting. New stupid phone?

Oh maybe ticket in black for a concert.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

No one's

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

FIL

14. Where did most of your money go?

Medicine and tickets.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Pujo. 

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2024?

Geet Gobindo

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Sadder

2. Thinner or fatter? Same

3. Richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Yoga

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Nesha.

Worrying about everyone's death all day everyday. Sick.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Wrote letters to Santa

Went home!

Slept in the Calcutta winter sun.

Ate good food.

Did not party.

Did not drink or smoke.

Went to Buchu's.

Spoke endlessly with Maa.

It was perfect.

21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?

Maaaaaaaaa! <3

22. Did you fall in love in 2023?

No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None.

24. What was your favorite Tv programme?

Emily in Paris

Mamla Legal Hai

Ghar wapsi (again)

Yeh meri family

Baby Reindeer

Very Parivarik

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

Read one Kakababu this year. One book. Shameful mobile phone addiction.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Amrito megher o bari :')

28. What did you want and get?

Europe with family

29. What did you want and did not get?

Better job

Bangladesh

H

30. What were your favorite films?

Inside Out 2

Laapata Ladies

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

30 till 40 :)

Stayed in Bangalore

S tried his bit. Gave me gold :')

Had fresh brewed beer with a lot of guilt.

Called the day off

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

H / Job in Calcutta 

Both or either

33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2024?

Team Zudio

34. What kept you sane?

Nothing. Went up to the extent of speed driving on a rage episode. Sick.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Paresh Pahuja

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

None

37. Who did you miss?

Calcutta 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Noone

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024?

Quit smoking. Don't even start. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

শুধু আমার হিয়া বিরাম পায় নাকো

ওগো দুখজাগানিয়া

তোমায় গান শোনাবো

Tomorrow I leave again 

Tomorrow I get anxious again

Tomorrow I live a half life again

ज़हर वेख के पित्ता,

ते की पित्ता,

इश्क सोच के कित्ता,

ते की कित्ता।

Can someone magically give me a job here? Please!

Universe?