The list three trips were to Dongargarh ( I traveled all alone Yay!), Digha and Garpanchakot and they all happened within a few hours after the last exam of 5th, 6th and 7th Semesters and hence I could not do my usual miss-me-if-die-post. So here I am posting and wishing people would miss me if I die on the trip to Shantiniketan partly knowing that I wont die and partly knowing that I will be missed if I die (not missed in the while though).

Going to Pailan had its many drawbacks, one of those is that I have lost the big happy eyed look of wonder at long stretches of fields or at the village village feel because Pailan had it all. Odhiker Shomoshshya? This maybe is the reason for which I was ready to drop the trip a day or two ago for certain reasons without trying to solve them.

Life has not been easy and ideally I should be sitting home studying/ grieving. But then off I go for a weekend trip to the land of red soil knowing that when I come back, the days of Vegetables shall start. And if I dont return (which wont happen), I would come and haunt the Momo wala who HAD to close his shop today and disappoint me THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS much. That does not change the fact that I need a job and I cannot think beyond that these days making the life of everyone around a living hell with my idiosyncrasies. So you people could also forgive me for that if I actually pop off to all of your relief.

Such a drama queen I am. Ok Bye.

A Letter To A 40 year Old Me

Dear old Abhishikta,

I hope you woke up today on a warm and cosy bed with a loving man beside. I hope you love him just as much.

I hope you are not a house wife. If you are, woman, you have failed yourself and your mother. I know for a fact that you cannot be that by choice. Ya Ya Ya I know you have become a housewife for the children, the family and husband who clearly cares not. Damn! You are actually not working? Remember those nights during B-Tech or high school when you were studying and sleeping and studying? Maa took leave from office so that you could just get the princess treatment during the exams? All of that for THIS? So that you could just make others happy just because they favoured you with a married status? Consider yourself dead! I could not be more ashamed of you! And you may not read any further and do the dishwashing instead.

Other than that woman, I hope you are still married. The husband is happy with you? No that is a wrong question. Men can never be happy. They need to inflict their sad nature as guilt. Do you feel miserable? All the time? Awww. The real question is, are you happy with what you have given to your man? If you are not, loosen up a little maybe. Men are fools and they need more care and attention. At 40+, I am sure you will have no more patience to understand this. You would probably not care anymore. That my dear would be wrong. Save the marriage! Give more love and compassion. You love him very much. You can make him love you again as well. Without quitting your job. I know that is possible!

So how does it feel to be in your 40s my dear? Do you have all your teeth intact? Maa told you so many times to brush twice a day remember? Should have listened to her! You dye your hair no with grey hair coming in? Highlight it Purple once will you? You really wanted that done in your youth.  DO you have a car? Your own? Or do you too depend on your husband dearest to drop you on and off to and from places on a daily basis? Get yourself a car! I know you can afford it. Not because you don’t want your husband to drive you, but because in your 20s, you really wanted to have one of your own.

In the last 3 years, I hope there has been atleast one outing each with your mother and inlaws? Go visit them soonest if that is not the case. Do you live in Kolkata? India? No to both? Ah sad! I wish you could change that a little. Try and shift base in the next 10 days. Your Mommy needs you to be in the same city! Country atleast! She has no son to hang around there always remember? And more importantly, you need the city. Wait? Did you just laugh at this point because you are all set and happy abroad? I wish! If that is not the case, my condolence to you and sympathy to Maa.

So how is work? Do you teach at a college? A school? I would be so happy if you would nod to that! Now that you are in your 40s and stuck up with your regular routine, I want to remind you, as a young girl, you really wanted to study at JUDE and eventually teach there, or at DIO so that you could always be in touch with young fresh people and stay young at heart. Now that you are actually doing it after Btech (why do you not have a few more degrees btw? You really wanted more degrees! Get ‘em now! Never too late. Go distance education) I am really relieved. And proud. Or wait, have you dropped that dream and are earning in some MNC? So that you can afford more shopping? Good! As long as you work and not ask the husband for money to buy a bindi packet everytime, I am happy!

I hope you have one child of your own atleast? No? That explains your failing relationship. It’s high time you plan. Or wait! Do you have twins? Awww! Is there a financial and emotional crisis because of that? Oh no! I wish you went a little slow with your decisions. I wish you were a little clear in your head about your future. But trust me, all shall be well. Give it time!

Do you footpath shop still? At times? No? Never? Woman you have become so much like those women you never wanted to be like!  Does your mp3 player or phone (or whatever technology would be in at that time) still have old Hindi and Bangla songs? No? It just has English jhingjhang because that is cool and posh? You just made be very very sad! I hope you dance at trial rooms still? No? Because you are fat and nobody admires you anymore? Get back to 50 kilos. The admirers probably you won’t get anyway but you would have not admired yourself with overall weight beyond 50 when you were young! You used to freak out at 49kgs only Remember you were always worried that since you are so short, if you get around 60-70-80 kilos, you will look like a football? Well you have become one. Change that!   

Have you visited the London Eye yet? No? Because no one else agreed? Because the husband stays away? Because there is not enough money for your fun? Because if you give yourself some time the family would suffer? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? Get to your bank, get all the money and visit that right away! I am so shocked that most of your dreams of younger times have just vanished? And why? Now tell me, do you cook all the three meals of the day? And the house has no maid? Oh No! WHY?! Or wait! Do you have a fixed home? Or is it rented and shall be that way for the next 20 years? Are you happy? I doubt. Did you atleast learn 5 new exciting things in the last 20 years? Ouch! Are you in touch with Shreemoyee? Call her right now! You know she wouldn't. I hope you have attended the college reunions. You really really enjoyed the meetups when you were young.

This letter I am writing to you, because during the Summer and Monsoon of 2014, you had a million dreams and were deeply in love. During that time you were just so unsure about what you do with major love and life decisions. You did not trust men yet had faith. I hope your faith is not ruined. I hope you have successfully conducted a professional and personal life till now and will continue to do so! Don’t be a housewife ever! As a child and teenager, your main fear was that every man will turn you into a submissive housewife cum maid. I hope you have fought. That does not mean I want you to lead a life where nobody expects anything from you and in turn, you would dare not expect anything back. I just hope you are happy. And if you are not, you still have 20 more years before you die (theoretically) to fix things. Wait. I hope you married the man you planned to atleast? With mutual consent. I really really pray that Maa is in good health still. If those two have two YES’, I am sure the rest could be fixed with time and effort.

Atleast get some peace. Nothing more. Noting less.

Love.

A young and unsure You!
All the best!

July 2014

P.S. Do you HAVE  to eat alone at restaurants these days everytime because you don’t have company? Or watch all the sappy movies and cry alone? And you pretend to enjoy that? I know your answer. Thank God for once!

Hairy Tale!

I have always believed that being woman is not easy, specifically so because we spend half of our lives removing hair from various places! Damn. And of course by choice :D

Every time I walk out of the parlour alive after threading, I feel like a reincarnation :D While the didi would say "eto din por ele keno?" (like you don't know why? Like you would give me those puppy cuddles inside every time instead?) Huh. 

And I HATE waxing. HATE! 

I have been wanting to write on this for sooo long and then I find this video and that explains my point and trouble so exactly! And I cannot stop laughing and laughing more :D

Do watch! :D :D :D

The Fault In Our Stars

Watched this heartbreakingly BEAAAAAUTIFUL movie today! Ah! I so wish I had not downloaded that hall version from Torrent last week and sneaked into Wikipedia for the onside story. I also wish I had read the book. But all that does not matter anymore.

There was his monologue by Hazel in the movie that says that the best day of a person (a cancer patient to be more specific) seems like just an ordinary day before the worse days tuck in and the average day that was, suddenly starts to be the best! I am a “shitty” writer and could not transform the beautiful thought to an understandable and deep version, neither could I find the quote/ dialogue online. However, I don’t know about best days, but I do know that today was a perfect day. An average perfect day. A very very average day. Which now when I think, was just perfect!

Quest has been this money sucking machine but thank god they turned the prices down and I could awe at this BIIIIIIG inox! I mean the Quest probably has the biggest INOX of Kolkata and what pretty mats and colours and beautifully aligned chairs. Also, I would also go up to the extent of saying that the Zomato reviews of KFC of Quest are a little misleading. I thought it is better than SCM! Ah. But all of these do not matter again. I watched the most spectacular love story today. I know am exaggerating a LOT and the movie may be over hyped but I LOVED it. The little dialogues which were so powerful that it could make you land in a bundle of puddle. I was so deeply engrossed in the movie and busy handling the blowing nose that comes with the ugly water puddle every time that I did not notice anyone else. I later heard that this guy on the other row had his handkerchief all wet as well. Awww!

About the movie. What should I say. GO WATCH! Not many movies can make me cry when I am watching it with people. This movie has these dialogues that will make you wish to run and give Hazel and Gus the biggest bear hug.

“"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.” 

Oh my God! Imagine a guy saying that to you. I would choke away to death later. Or,

“ I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”

I wish and hope and pray that never in my life I face a situation like the one in which it was said in the movie. The lines however, I could dedicate right away. “Always”

“"Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.” 

Now this is something I have experienced. Not the promise bit. But the theme. Oh my God! The line is just so amazing in itself. Scary and amazing. Wow.

And I am sure I am missing a few choking dialogues and quotes from the movie. And the ending letter that ends with,“What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers."
I hope too! I hope.

Man! What a beautifully heartbreaking movie. They say tragedy sells best. They are so right. However, you would watch this movie and relate to many portions and yet wish that NONE of those happen to you. There was this very beautiful kiss in the pirated version of the movie which they edited away at Quest. Idiots. But these were many beautiful ones. Like the Anne Frank house one of course. However, this was just beautiful. And Perfect. And heartbreaking.

When I read this a month from now, I am sure I will understand I am doing a little bababari but today, I am just so pleased with a movie and obsessed. After so long. THIS pleased. I would pick anyone by his/her collar and make him/her watch this beauty. I would also soon be downloading and appreciating and clapping again. The star crossed lovers!

*Bows*

*Sobs*

Okay? Okay.