There are these two sayings, both quite famous and powerful and both contradict each other.

One says “Out of sight, out of mind” and the other one says “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”.

I have always wanted to justify and nullify these lines yet never quite wanted to be the real life example. It is not a very proud moment when you feel like a tissue paper, when you are too dependent to draw up conclusions as well. 2015 has been quite the year of growing apart till now, one by choice of course.

Although all my life I have wanted to grow fonder to people, specific people, with or without distance, somewhere deep down I know out of sight do take you out of mind as well, when you want to have hotter and better stuff in your mind that is. As for me, I could not have a fonder place for all the yous who are at distance, by choice or not.

Also, I have started to realise, I would not have liked me if I met me. That explains a lot. A lot. However. 

THIS IS TO SHOUT OUT AND SAY THAT I AM A RATHER DRAMATIC PERSON AND I NEED TWO SPECIFIC PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO THEM WITH PATIENCE AND I HAVE NONE AROUND TODAY. I AM OFFENDED. I AM SHOCKED. I AM ABSOLUTELY ANGRY. AND I KNOW. NOBODY CARES. I DONT CARE EITHER.I THINK. WHATEVER.

...for

You were always afraid when the sun rose,
Afraid it would never set in,
Afraid the songs would remain unheard,
Afraid this would burn your wings.

...and

When the sun went down,
Afraid it made you then,
For the light, the warmth, the wasted times,
That you believed you would never see again.

-Abhishikta Chakraborty

To undying love :)

Someday I hope I would be able to forgive Anjan Dutta and Chetan Bhagat for giving me unrealistic ideas about love and life.

Have a wonderful time all you lucky people who get to be red white and pink today :)

Goodbye my lover Goodbye my friend. Not forever. Never. See You Soon. Maybe.

Today officially ends my continuous staring at random people all over the city, especially the Kalikapur connecter and then Safui, every evening. Yes, I do dislike surprises but this particular one would not have hurt. I do not know if I should be happy or sad about the harsh truth that I would no longer turn back at every known street of South Kolkata hoping. I was never as disappointed as today. I had a pretty amazing evening before all of this tearing me apart though. I must not complain, I must not complain.  

The customary alternate Friday evening sessions did fill my heart with the little happiness today after a rather difficult day, yes. Such lovely live jam would take your heart away as well. There was also this pre-evening secret session at one of the meeting rooms, because one of us would be off to Bangalore, by choice to his special one of course. All the boys started off with Bela Bose and then came the scenes to me

Empty early morning streets a year and two months ago when I heard the same song and I have never been that touched

Busy streets around two weeks ago when I was sure I would hear the same song and I have been living in hope since

Yesterday Gaurav’s BIIIIG smile at the Pune hardlock because ‘6 saal se peechha kar raha hoon uska ab toh saath saath’

All these young men who sang Bela Bose today made me numb. I definitely saw a teardrop somewhere at the meeting room today. I kept on wondering how many of them have claimed and sang this song. How many would sing the same songs again somewhere someday and how many would actually live upto the claims once made. I do not know if I should be saying this but I have actually started to be very very jealous of people. I keep on thinking my life was exactly like theirs, maybe even better. Chasing is never good they say. Sigh.

So.

Goodbye my lover

Goodbye my friend

I have never stooped lower. Neither would I ever reach up to the level of ever so tall you. No wonder why! NO WONDER WHY! However, I live in hope. Of a ladder coming in or heights bending in. Hope is a destructive thing they say. I hope they are wrong. I hope. 

Oh Babe

I have always believed that most of the songs all around the world are made in such a way that boys have more options in dedicating songs and get the girls go dhak dhak. I actually used to worry that I won’t have too many songs to dedicate to my man. The only good thing, there would still be enough dedications to me! My life was set that way.

Seasons changed, situations changed, life became a third grade Bollywood flick (not that I don’t have Bollywood in my blood *smirks*), I saw this jet plane on the clear blue Spring sky of Rajarhat today and dedicated this song to myself, because no one else did, because no one else would, also because I deserve this song to be dedicated to me, this time around.

Ughhh!

Tomorrow happens to be my granddad’s birthday! Well, in most of the households, days like these are not quite huge affairs but my Dida, who did not know her birth date, made sure that Dadu’s birthday and their wedding anniversary ofcourse is remembered and celebrated, in their own sweet way, nomatter whichever of their children is in whichever part of the country.

I remember being too shy and out of words to be more apt, on one of their anniversaries and the kind of upset that made her. So the point being, tomorrow is the first birthday of Dadu, in all these years when Dida would not be around cooking all her favourite food on his birthday. I would not be calling him first thing in the morning to ask what be the plans for the day to which his normal answer would include a looooong list of food items starting with keema shingara.

I am sure Maa would arrange for all the good food in the world tomorrow to which he would say ‘ei boyeshe r koto khabo’, I am sure Chintudada’s phone call from Pune would make him very happy, I am sure he would he would secretly bring out the alcohol that he got as a gift, however, I cannot even imagine the kind of missing that would happen to him tomorrow.

In my few days of all-spring-around, I know the kind of hurt and tears I experience with every OliveSub, every IceCream, every PoorJoke, every DirtyFantasy, every LongWalk, every HappyThing, every SadThing, every SunRise, every SunDown, evey MidNight turning me to a depressing zombie, I cannot even imagine the kind of hurt he must face after 52 years of mutual love without boredom creeping in, ending it all. If single ticket dreams can break me so bad even without the engagement of death, I was just trying to imagine the breakdown he must have had after years of double ticket happy life which was snatched and he could do nothing about it.

These are the days I miss Dida the most. I keep on wondering how different things would be had she been around. I would run and tell her what happened and she would shower her one million blessings which would instantly calm me down because I was sure God listens to her, all the time. Otherwise how else do you think I survived B-Tech? Aaj thakle amar ei obostha hotona! I remember how she always told me to wear the MataRani pendant on a day, that she gave me and how I would look perfect. I wish she was around to see what is possible and what is slowly turning out to be impossible. She could make impossible possible. I believed. I wish she was here still. I wish. Most importantly, I wish she was around for tomorrow atleast. And everyday.