Celebrating Life

‘Well, your daughter has blood cancer last stage’ the doctor said and I looked at Maa whose face looked white. She looked at me, about to cry or scream and I tried to look cool. ‘Arre last stage, kichhu korar nei, kedona’ I said. Moments later, for some strange reason, I was all alone in some blue and white room and I knew I did not have to pretend to be cool about the Cancer anymore.
I start crying and shivering. I shouted at the Gods, “WHY! Fuck. WHY” and suddenly I knew why. All those extended prayers to the one million Gods saying ‘if you cannot bring him, kill me’ ‘if you cannot give me eventual happiness, take my life today’ were answered. I start crying.
Yes yes yes, I am a hypocrite. I do not want to die. At least not because of a certain him who sleeps away to glory or the happiness which won’t come, I do not want to die. I cannot believe its last stage. Oh God! I take back my prayers. These prayers and all those during semester where while crossing the road I instigated Gods saying ‘if you have to fail me, kill me before that’ and I always lived. And today, since I’m dying, I know the ‘him’ and the ‘happiness’ I do not deserve and some tall pretty one does. But I deserve to live. Why did I even ask for those? Life is more important than all of that. Shit!

What? The heading and the story does not go hand in hand? Ohkay tiny little hands are not meant for any hand anyway. Well. I did not decide on writing on this topic suddenly because it’s my mother’s birthday and Dida’s ‘kaaj’ day, or because it’s Udita’s birthday and her father’s one year death anniversary. I write this today because I woke up very relieved after that horrendous dream, and also because I am trying not to bring the actual concerns in public.
After a long long time, today, I am so glad that I’m alive. Subhayan told me to celebrate with chocolates and coffee. And so I should. I do not have cancer, I’m going to live another day, year, and decade. Happily or not, I am going to live. Reason enough for a toast eh?
Cheers