Kindness and Love

 For the longest time I genuinely believed that love and kindness are the same thing. Exact same thing. That probably came because of the years of selfless abundant love by Maa. K calls her gullible but I know that behind every half hearted 'yes' that she had ever said, it was only kindness, love! You cannot really love someone and yet be unkind to them, my wholehearted single belief!

Ofcourse there's an entire crazy Kabir Singh/Animal army proving otherwise but coming from a family where we were never 'punished', never put inside dark bathrooms, never told stories of the bad guy coming to kidnap us; unkind love is really hard to accept!

They say it's still love when your tears don't make them cry

They say it's still love even when they don't go looking out for you

They say it's still love even without Frog Prince sorry notes

So be it! 

Love and kindness are different things after all; but give a choice which one would you want to keep?

Think.

Me? I'd just keep SRK romance and thank Bollywood for the dreamscape

Heart is Full!

The Voyage

We set out on a voyage today. Something I have dreamt of since 2014. Something we have saved up for, since the last 2 years. 

Exams, hurdles and hiccups later, the voyage is about to begin! I would have really liked Cohen sing 'and you want to travel with her' tonight!

Not jinxing with the where, how and what! There's just too much hotchpotch already. Just manifesting that there is a story of fulfilled dreams at the end of it!

Amen!

MBA: Semester 1: Prayer for a Miraculous Pass

Remembering Chetan Bhagat today and truly promising that if we get through this Sem, we won't be begging the Exam Gods for pure mercy next Sem!

Folks feeling too over confident and picking up new degree almost a decade after the last one, Buro Boyeshe porashona khub kothin!

Here's to the start of Semester 1 from tomorrow!
Whole heartedly hoping there would be a Semester 2 to worry about in next 6 months.
Exam Gods be kind! Pretty please :(

2 Years of Playing Homies

On all days, there's a lot of hardwork

On most days, there's a lot of gratitude

On many days, there's a lot of anger

Today, only overwhelming emotions 

2 years of sailing through this wee thing of social marriage that I fancied so much as a child and then got scared of. Lost two serious (atleast that's what I thought) relationships on the way, one teaching me how extra I can get, the other teaching me how little I can get! One shattering my confidence to pieces and the other, making me stronger than ever! So much so that I lost faith in the institution. And then S came with his overwhelming optimism which irritated my Dukkhobilash to the core. Still does, every day! But it always gets better. Always thankful to the stars for this one person who always turns back despite the million melt downs! Touching wood and getting anxious daily for getting to live a life with S who braves a storm, all day, every day.

Happy Anniversary, best boy!

What would I ever do without those hand massages 

Pain

 I feel pain

Pain in every transaction of oxygen through my body

Pain in every inch of my heart

Pain I cannot explain, cannot comprehend, Cannot understand or document or reflect or express 

There is an overwhelming pricking of a thousand pins at the palm of my hand and feet and toes and lips and brows and thumb and neck and heart

The heart, it's tearing apart and I cannot explain how much;

Or how, why, since when, till when?!

All I know is I feel pain

And it's getting unbearable

- Abhishikta

 

Luck? Anyone? Universe? Please?

Funny how all the prayers and superstitions find their way only throught the dark.

Did life humble you down recently?

Here's looking out for miracles, Universe?

Kanyadaan

Always celebrate people who impart progressive thoughts, rational actions in you! 

Anyone who knows me, knows, that I have always loved weddings and obviously every second of my wedding was my dream, including the "Kanyadaan" where the photos look so lovely, girl-boy-hand-in-hand. 

That was until I saw A's wedding where there was no daan of anyone because come on! You are not a thing to be given off. It took me 30 years to understand this!

I would forever be grateful to A for showing me the misogyny in this ritual.

So, was I able to have an absolutely zero sexist ritual covered wedding? No! But I tried.

Needless to say, my wedding had no Kanyadaan. 

Neither did it have Lojja Bostro. 

What Lojja?

The communist Baba, the super loving Maa and forever supportive S stood rock solid when Thakurmoshai and the rest of the world objected. 

Watching Rocky and Rani, reminded me of this Kanyadaan cancellation. So nice to see things are changing. One eye opening at a time

P.S. Ofcourse you may not agree. I know people who actually take pride in touching their spouse's feet. I've even heard an almost heart touching explanation on it once. Great! As long as you don't preach it, peace (as the great O rightly says)

Another Teary Eyed Night of Leaving Kolkata and Doing Adult Shit

 

Talking to Self

While in school, two quotes always had me thinking

1. Distance makes the heart go fonder

2. Out of sight out of mind

Funny how the same cause can have two completely different effects on two usecase sets

গম গম, গম গম

আজ সারাদিন বৃষ্টি হল
ঝম ঝম, ঝম ঝম
নির্ভেজাল, এক নাগার জলের প্লাবন
নির্ভেজাল, একনাগারে স্মৃতি রোমন্থন
আজ সারাদিন বৃষ্টি হল
ঝম ঝম, ঝম ঝম

গলির পাশে দালান বাড়ি
আছে কি সেই এক ই রকম
হলুদ দেয়াল কালো দরজা
ভালো বেশি বাসা কম

বইয়ের তাক, এ সি'র তার
নতুন ভাবনা পুরোনো ফোন
বাস এর টিকিট, সাউথ সিটি
আশাবাদী মনের কোন

মিথ্যে স্বপ্ন
বোঝাতে ভুল
ভালোবাসার
উচিত মাশুল 

কাল সারাদিন মেঘ করবে
গম গম, গম গম
নির্ভেজাল, এক নাগার জলের প্লাবন
নির্ভেজাল, একনাগারে স্মৃতি রোমন্থন
কাল সারাদিন মেঘ করবে
গম গম, গম গম

- অভিষিক্তা

Noise In My Head

Probably it is the beauty of Calcutta that makes Dukkhobilash your favorite night routine!

I've been sleepless for almost 2 weeks now, felt restless, anxious and spent hours thinking of random things like how much space would be free-ed up if the book shelf is moved from left to right (yes!).

I've visited old memory corners of my mind and heart, tried to explicitly visit only the happy lanes and avoided the sad ones (both literally and figuratively). The subtle office pressure is also not helping.

Add the rush of Obhimaan that Calcutta brings in my heart! Whys and Why Nots and Why Me-s, ghosts of pasts, personality traits that I should have changed, words that I should have said better, people I should not have met, souls I should not have assumed mates. Whirlwind of thoughts, night after night! And then there are happy sappy people, happy sappy lives, happy sappy photos!!! 

Baadh Shedho Na Bondhu!!!!

Tobe Tai Hok :)

Repeat

A storm inside

A struggling Yacht.

The sails tearing,

The sailor wearing,

Don't call for help!

Must not abort.

            A hurricane outside,

            A struggling Jeep,

            You're heavy!

            You're demanding!

            Figure your own rescue!

            Must, now, leap

So bring out the smile,

Tears are for the closed doors to keep;

No one understands,

Do not talk so deep.

            Shout, write, hide,

            Repeat.

            Shout, write, hide,

            Repeat

- Abhishikta

PDDivD: Mostly Jargons, Non TMs, Must Skip

 I have never been a fan of numbers, but today, this, almost feels like magic! 🥹

Many years down the line when I would finally forget how to read the dashboard, this post would remind me that today was the day when I stopped checking the dashboard, every alternate hour.

A very grateful President's Distinguished Division Director today, just 3 days before the finish line because I bleed Bollywood and 

Har kar jeetne walo ko...

Ofcourse you know 🥹❤️

Sleeper Train on a Cool Tuesday

 Rolling eyes the moment I say sleeper!

The husband will blame the heat in summers, the chill in winters, the rains and monsoon, the pillows that are not given, the food that isn't good, the washrooms that aren't clean and many many actual logical correct reasons to not choose sleeper anymore if you have a choice!

And then, there are such 10-12 hours overnight trips from Bangalore in June where it's never summer, never winter and AC tickets are never available at the last minute; in short, the right choice as opposed to KSRTC (which again, I'm a fan of, but Indian Railways over Karnataka transport, okay).

This live blog, this day to remind myself of the feeling of this gush of strong wind brushing through my fringes which I didn't know existed up until now. To remind myself of this feeling of random sweet South Indian Aunty forcing us to eat their Idli despite the fact that I didn't switch my side upper with her daughter's seat (yes, okay, whatever). To remember the feeling of buying 'fu diye folano baalish' after forever and the random Lungi clad uncle totally judging and laughing at us with absolutely no awkwardness since we didn't bargain at 100 for a pillow. Indian Railways have been back big time in my life post marriage, not complaining and actively touching wood for the travel frequency, and also because S is a huge fan of trains.

I'm so happy at Sleepers not disappointing me this time. Return journey ofcourse, as S wanted with fancy windows with blue curtains, but this one's mine! 

Say Hello to searching through wallets to find khuchro taka for Kannada Jhal muri and Bangla Band on stringed headphones (I'm sure you aren't surprised that I still use these antiques, daily)

Hello Karwar in 8hours!!!

Silent Prayer and Show Before I Lose (or Not)

 

Pabbas!

We're a bunch of privledged kids-turned-midaged who mostly eat well (touched wood frantically). Our celebrations and grieves are marked with eating and drinking, often without any sort of demarcation between them, all four! 

However, Mangalore deserves a special mention today.

I remember coming to Mangalore back in 2015 where Pdi hosted us in full swing. I was in my own crazy IceCream fast that year and not healing from a certain breakup denial; so that entire experience at Pabbas had me keeping a straight face while N, R and Pdi insisted that I try this and that, atleast that, I denied. 

Today afternoon I visited Pabbas again after 8 years, and ate till I could not eat anymore. Visited that one place that had absolutely made me cry. Changed the narrative!? 

Looking back, it was a very stupid narrative in the first place, but then, we're all stupid and naive.

Here's to Mangalore

Here's to Ghee Roast

Here's to Icecream

🧿

Those We Love Never Go Anywhere ?

8 years ago I left Kolkata, with a heartbreak that will probably take this entire lifetime to heal, with a zeal to comeback as soon as I can which has never happened, with Maa to make sure I settle just fine before she heads home.

Cannot really say the years have been super bad, the nights have been high, the days have been sunny, Bangalore dramatic sky dance has filled  my heart, the Spring Cherry blossoms have adorned my phone gallery. The feeling of growing up, taking at least 6 flights to Kolkata a year, looking forward to and getting anxious before every Durga Pujo leaves; have not been as bad I had made it sound but the perpetual homesickness has never really left me. Come marriage, the homesickness have only become worse now with Bangalore home also slowly taking up a huge space in my heart and now, ‘choosing’ people AT places, it is always a tear and tear show every month, every flight. That is story for some other day but I always had the peace of the sister holding the home ground strong, albeit with her set of mood swings and GenZ complications, but, with a knowledge that she is there, while I chill and whine.

Today Kutu leaves for Chennai, and the somewhere, soon, or maybe not. Leaves home nonetheless and for good. I feel the same lost and sad and worried. The mother is again going to make sure that K settles just fine before she heads home, only this time, she will head home with a limp, extra medications and to an emptier Kolkata house.

প্রথম বৃষ্টি

মনে পরে ছোটোবেলায় বৃষ্টি গুনতাম, আজ প্রথম, আজ দ্বিতীয়, আজ তৃতীয়, আজ ঊনপঞ্চাশ |
মনে পরে গরমের ছুটি তে কোথাও ঘুরতে গেলে প্রিয় বন্ধু কে বৃষ্টি গুনে রাখার দায়িত্ব দিয়ে যেতাম |

আজ বছরের প্রথম বৃষ্টি হলো বেঙ্গালুরু তে' শুনতে পেলাম কলকাতায় ও বৃষ্টি বৃষ্টি ভাব, কালবৈশাখী, পরীক্ষা পরীক্ষা গন্ধ |

আজ আর বৃষ্টি গোনা লজিকাল না| আজ আর বৃষ্টি গোনার সময়, ইচ্ছে, আর ও আই  কোনোটাই নেই | একটা প্রাচীন অভ্যেস এর মতো মনে পরল বৃষ্টি গোনা আজ | একটু পরে থেমে যাবে, তারপর নেটফ্লিক্স হবে, জোর আওয়াজে ইংরিজি গান হবে, কালকের প্ল্যানিং হবে| একটু পরে, এখন শুধু বৃষ্টি |

আজ, প্রথম বৃষ্টি
আজ ই শেষ 

Neel Rong Chhilo Bhishon Priyo

Just the other day

You had your sky blue crayon phase.

Paint, was all you did

Paint, was all that made sense.

The many afternoon shine

Even more night time glaze

The many sea shores

Even more snow flakes

Just the other day

You had your sky blue crayon phase.

 

-Abhishikta

Dear Diary

Very recently Oreo introduced me to 'Tumhari Amrita' and as Toastmasters, we are shamelessly inspired by everything beautiful.
Hence, there is our flawed attempt at flawed love. With Love! Happy Adult Valentines' you :)

Dear Diary,

College starts tomorrow. I hope my decision to stay back in India for Undergrad, going against Dad’s wish was right.

Dear Diary,
What is wrong with the world? I saw a fresh batch of 1st years come to the college today. Everyone thinks about the US, everyone wants to earn money. Noone thinks about art or literature, or politics of this country. Am I born too late in time?

Dear Diary,

College is going great! I met a group of techno grads working for Robotic Modelling.
Our Seminar was hugely disturbed today by a group of Art Students shouting at the top of their voices, protesting against some political dysfunctionality. I hope they let us work in peace tomorrow.

Dear Diary,

I have decided to lead the political group of University, these people are directionless and naive. It deeply hurts my soul that other departments are not even bothered about the initiatives.

Dear Diary,

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I will make friends with Ankur. He leads the Communist group of the University, the typical 'arty' type. Takes immense pride about his unkempt beard, baggy kurta, perennially borrowed cigarettes. He speaks of communism, ideologies and literature. No dreams, no ambition, just a blurry vision of tomorrow. But this blurry vision makes me want to believe him. He moves around the campus with a note of ten rupees inside his worn out wallet. 

Dear Diary,

Is it allowed for the 3rd world to fall in love with the 1st? I look at the Kohl in Amrita’s eyes and instantly want to keep looking at it till the end of time. She is smart and funny. In my black and white world of constant fight between right and wrong, she is my sunshine. I am scared of what lies ahead.

Dear Diary,

My dad caught me staring at Ankur’s photo today. I could not dare tell him that he is not from the same department. Why did I lie? 

Dear Diary,

It’s been a week that I have not seen Amrita around. Did she miss her classes or was I too busy in my own world that I missed seeing her? Is she ignoring me or the walls of my existence are too tough to cross? Will I see her again?

Dear Diary,

Ankur read a poem to me today from his brown Diary.
I was lost in his voice, his eyes. There was a certain sadness in the way he spoke. 

Dear Diary,

I got a full scholarship for pursuing a PHD in Stockholm. Who would have thought that someone following and pursuing Indian politics so passionately would also be acknowledged outside? But I am in two minds. I have no intent  to go abroad leaving so much behind but how would I compensate for the status Amrita deserves, her family expects? She has been raised as a princess, the lady who deserves nothing less than a diamond, how would she ever cope with the dark in me?

Dear Diary,

Today was the most magical birthday of my life. While everyone surrounded me with gifts, gold and diamonds, Ankur took me to one corner of the room, with a finger, he took one drop of water from a glass and placed that drop on my ring finger! This has been the most memorable gesture that anyone has ever done for me. I love him!

Dear Diary,

I love Amrita. Today, on her birthday, she looked like magic. While she was laden with gifts all around, I had nothing but myself to offer. Even then, her eyes danced and smile brightened the entire room. Should I really go to Stockholm to provide the life that Amrita deserves? But then, what happens to so many lives I have been leading? Is love enough to over power all other human emotions?

Dear Diary,

While I was discussing how my Dad can easily sponsor for my masters in Stockholm while Ankur does his PHD, he looked quite absent. Here I am already making plans for a future together but he seems to be lost. 

Dear Diary,

I thought about it a lot. I cannot leave India. I expect Amrita to understand, she can do her masters from India too, there are so many good universities. Even if she wishes to go to Stockholm, I can wait for 2 years till she is back. I am rejecting the scholarship offer. I hope Amrita will understand.

Dear Diary,

How can he decide to not go to Stockholm without discussing with me like I am noone to him. When he kissed me for the first time and called me his world, what did he mean then? Probably Dad was right. Ankur has no dreams, no ambition, just a blurry vision of tomorrow.

Dear Diary,

Amrita left for Stockholm today. She did not say Goodbye. She returned the Shiuli flower, the only gift that I was capable of giving her once. When I last saw her in the University campus the day after I told her I was not moving to Stockholm she did not fight, she did not smile, she just stared, stared and walked away. The same Kohl lined beautiful eyed girl, she looked like she had grown up overnight. 

Sigh

Dear Diary,

It’s been 10 years. Never spoke to you, never looked back but today something happened. Today I got promoted as the Managing Director but there was no one I could share my happiness with. I spent an entire decade working so hard that I left relationships behind. Is this the tomorrow I wanted? Have I become the person that I always accused Ankur of? No dreams, no ambition, just a blurry vision of tomorrow?

Dear Diary,

It’s been 10 years, I have become the person I always wanted to be. Teaching young students, weaving dreams. I wonder how Amrita is? She must have become a mother now, someone’s wife, someone’s reason to be happy every day. Does she still remember me? Because I do; every time the Calcutta winter wind sweeps past my Kurta I remember Amrita, every time the aroma of Shiuli fills my room full of books I remember Amrita, everytime I breathe, I remember Amrita. Hope she forgives me someday.

Dear Diary,

Do you think Ankur remembers me still? Has he forgiven me? Maybe he has not changed one bit. Or maybe he has. Maybe he has a beautiful wife to share his latest poems with, maybe a daughter, he is teaching the lessons of Feminism to. A thought crosses my mind everyday, to meet him once, to see him once, to say Goodbye, properly this time? Should I book my flight?

Dear Diary,

With the corruption that does not leave our society, at all times I feel my decision to stay back was right. The oil prices are over the roof, the unemployment does not seem to go, last heard, the midday meals of the children were misutilised. I am waiting for one day when I wake up to hear good news.

Dear Diary,

Late to tell you but I am on my flight to India.  Is it too late? Has the scars of time rusted the feelings? I love Ankur, I still do. Do you think I would get a chance to tell him in this life ever again?
The storm in my heart seems to be manifested around me. There is a strong turbulence outside. 

Dear Diary,

Again woke up to the news of a Europe to India flight getting crashed yesterday. At times I feel happy with the knowledge that Amrita is far and safe from all of this. At times I wonder how our life could have been? 

Dear Diary,

It’s been 30 years. Amrita must be 60 now. I am old too. My old age and half rimmed glasses are a testimony that one life is not enough for love. My health has started to show its colors of Winter. Winters when you are 20 are different from the winter of 60. Now, it is cold, just cold.

Dear Diary,

It’s been 40 years. Words have started to fail me. Only one feeling remains… love.
I love Amrita, I still do. Do you think I would get a chance to tell her in this life ever again?

Sigh…

- Abhishikta

Night Before Bangalore Flights

Are always sleepless and sad. But these days it's a choice, not office mandate. 

Aaro lafiye lafiye biye korte bolo, I told Maa, who is confident S can manage a few more days in Bangalore while I'm here.

Ofcourse he can, but then, to live in two parallel boats is not something I'm used to too. It is seeming like a choice. This or that. What what whaaaat!

Oh the dilemma.

Oh Calcutta! 

Give both of us rich jobs will you? Pretty Please.

Just Breathe

 

Prayers Etc.

Cherish what you have?

All's a God Plan?

Cancelled tickets for Manali

Got to attend Saraswati Pujo at Home

Just when you think you have made the perfect plan

Bangalore-Delhi-Rampur-Chandigarh-Manali-Pathankot-Bangalore, you get a phone call at Chandigarh, a loss of someone who has always been your defition of a perfect father! 

Mdi has always been blessed by a father who has never said NO for anything! I remember many night outs at M's where Pishu covered up for me. My mother's mania during Pujo nights were always calmed because Pishu was at M's!

Someone who always called me 'Aaabhishikta' :')

To ditch snowfall to pay respect to him!

Makes sense?

Adult me says yes, a two hundred percent.

Basant Panchami At Home:')

May All Gods and Goddesses give immense long and healthy life to all sets of parents!

Especially mine!

Amen

Mandate! 2023, Please Be Kind!

 1. What did you do in 2022 that you’ve never done before?

Took Maa to hospital -_-
Bikini

Shidhur Khela

Bought Cocktail maker and used

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Not kept, so the resolution continues for this year

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Lost the idea of who is close and who is not. Lots of Babies happening all around.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
R’s Mom

 

5. What countries did you visit?
Indonesia! (AND Thailand and Malaysia if transits count! Gareeb ko achha laggega!)
Also, in India,

Kolkata, Shantiniketan, Chandigarh, Vidisha, Lucknow, Ooty, Kochi, Munnar, Alleypey, Dhotrey, LepchaJagat, Darjeeling, DudhSagar, Dandeli, Palmaner, Gokarna, Landsdowne, Powri, Khirsu, Dehradun, Hosur

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?
Healthy Lifestyle
Work Travel


7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory?
Don’t know about date but DivD Elections from Dhotrey, the palpitation, the tension, the network, the win! WHAT A DAY!


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
GL Retention
Making it through 2 weeks of in-laws visiting


9. What was your biggest failure?
Not investing one second to wanting to do Masters


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The skin is tearing apart SO MUCH
And, Covid


11. What was the best thing you bought?
Scooty for Maa


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Not anyone I can think of


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Everyone’s during the 2 weeks of August


14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel (and happily so!)


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Maa’s retirement
Bali

DivD Elections

Durga Pujo


16. What song/album will always remind you of 2022?
Hey Samalo (Coke Studio Version)


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Happier or sadder? Happier
2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
3. Richer or poorer? Richer


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising my brains! I can feel cobwebs inside, really!


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying


20. How did you spend Christmas?
Wrote letters to Santa (S wrote too this time!)
Stayed indoors
Watched something stupid till 4 in the morning
Had Mulled wine at Toit (Did not particularly like the hype)

Finally learnt Monopoly at R’s

21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with?
Maaaaaaaaa! <3


22. Did you fall in love in 2022?
No


23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None.


24. What was your favorite Tv programme?
Emily in Paris

House

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.


26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Bought a single book in a house that has over 500, read Shreya Sanghani’s story (fangirl forever).
That’s It. Shameful. Yes.


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jolene

28. What did you want and get?
Hike


29. What did you want and did not get?
Northern Lights (AGAIN)


30. What were your favorite films?
I think I watched 365 movies but cannot remember anything right now.


31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
30+ till 40 :)
I did not go home :(

Big pre fight, Gokarna, Beer, Sea, Rides!

S gifted me a Keeeeeyboard :’)
Maa ordered a Bengali thali :’)
Decided to not miss home on Birthday next time

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Maa’s good health


33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?
M to L


34. What kept you sane?
Maa


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Alfie from Emily In Paris (SO HOT)


36. What political issue stirred you the most?
None


37. Who did you miss?
Kolkata


38. Who was the best new person you met?
Noone

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022?
Old Age Demands People and Money! Plan Well


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
ফিরবো বললে ফেরা যায় নাকি