So What Is Your Greatest Fear?

In the middle of the night yesterday, a rare somewhat-unhappy day, I was thinking of my fears. My life has come to a point when the numbers of unhappy days have outnumbered the somewhat-unhappy days, the happy days are nowhere in the horizon. Well, I do not mind the somewhat-unhappy days as long as the fate monkey keeps the unhappy days away.

So, fears. We all have our fears. Of failing, of losing, of dying, of crying, of loving, of hurting, of various other things in the little universe of our brains or maybe the ugly filthy heart. I was wondering that my greatest fear is. I remember asking myself this question while reading ‘One night @ the Call Center’ many years ago. Do not make a face at the book my intellectual friend, I think Chetan Bhagat was good in his first two books. So this particular book had a column for readers where they were supposed to note down a thing that they fear the most. I remember writing ‘death’. I have always been afraid of dying. I do not find the concept cool and self illuminating like many. However, after deep introspection, yesterday, I realised that my biggest fear is desertion. Death was just a sidekick to desertion.

Yes, you read it right. Being surrounded by a bunch of people in the forms of relatives or friends, I still am afraid of being deserted one day. In a dark room  (literally, or may be not) with little light which would remind me of what light is, yet it would be too grey to be white. Do not try telling me it would be too grey to be black as well. It is my blog and I shall decide the colours. Well this is not a sad post, this is just self talking that I need at times because yesterday I did not get the audience and companion to hear or share. So I write.

Today, I again tried being a Bollywood-Wannabe and tried this test on fb (after yesterday’s self meandering) on “What is your Biggest Fear”and SURPRISE SURPRISE
The answer came “That you’ll die alone”.
It also said
“You're afraid that you'll die, alone and un-wealthy. A lonely person who did not get the opportunity to feel loved by someone who was not a relative. But that's not what were implying, you may not die alone, but that's what you fear may happen.”

On the same tracks! I never quite believed these quizzes but this one was, I must admit, almost true (Is it the same reason why I can’t eat alone at restaurants?) and you can call me repulsive or a dependant bitch. I do not care as a matter of fact. I might also add here that my past few days (days? MONTHS!) have been revolving around the same thought. Desertion huh? How difficult would it get? We shall see. Well. Not ideally. But. Well. Yeah.