For a very long time in my life, Mamabari = Dadurbari = Madhya Pradesh ; was something I would tell my friends with utter pride when I was complimented for my non Bangla accented Hindi (yes that is a cool Bangla thing)
Then of course Madhya Pradesh got divided into Chhattisgarh and Madhya Pradesh, Dongargarh was sold off, Dida took off, Dadu followed, things got bitter, however; visiting Madhya Pradesh after so many years filled my heart!
While the winter fearing clan gets way too excited about shedding off multilayers, it also is the time for exams nearing by!
Kolkata Spring always reminds me of the impending 'School er final porikkha' (we are an old generation of April to March sessions) or college's even semesters!
The rush of wind smelling of newly opened books, the clothes fluttering in the wind singing its own lullaby, slow setting sun and an urge to go out for a cycle ride or adda by the 'parar pukur'.
With Saraswati Pujo just around the corner, my heart is so full to experience Kolkata Springs, after very many years!
How (much) are you enjoying your Spring this year?!
1. What did you do in 2021 that you’ve never done before? Married
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year? 2021 resolution to panic less, not kept, not met. 2022, reduce the smoke!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, Prajakta gave us Arjun! :')
4. Did anyone close to you die? Dadu Mesho Mrs. Ghatak
5. What countries did you visit? Bleh! But I did visit Bangalore, Kolkata, Darjeeling, Dhotrey, Goa, Chandigarh, Mcleodganj, Ludhiana, Kumbakonam.
6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021? Fearlessness
7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory? 26th April! My Engagement amidst the HUGE second Covid wave.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? CSM! Switch.
9. What was your biggest failure? Putting my parents through a lot!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Dengue! TOO MUCH of it!
11. What was the best thing you bought? TV
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Baba's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Prajapati Senior
14. Where did most of your money go? Tickets
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Goa! Wedding oath!
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2021? Sang Rahiyo :')
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 1. Happier or sadder? Same 2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter 3. Richer or poorer? Richer (This considering we're still at TTMM)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Working out!
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying
20. How did you spend Christmas? Shouted my lungs out at 83 at the theatre at the stroke of midnight Drank cheap wine
21. Who did you spend most of the time on the phone with? S! Again! Hello Long Distance
22. Did you fall in love in 2021? Yes
23. How many one night stands in this last year? None.
24. What was your favorite Tv programme? Grey's Anatomy Emily in Paris Good Doctor (briefly) Little Things (Last Season :'))
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes and No. Hate is too strong a word maybe. Dislike, that is the word.
26. What was the best book(s) you read? Again a year of absolutely zero reads. Shameful. Yes.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Haman Hai Ishq Mastana
28. What did you want and get? All major festivals at home :')
29. What did you want and did not get? Visiting Northern Lights for Honeymoon
30. What were your favorite films? Can't think of even 1 right now
31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? 30+ :) I was home S flew down to home We visited by lanes of Gafra and Esplanade Beer flowed Maa cooked It was perfect! :')
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Less Covid scare
33. What would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Handeddown Tshirts!
34. What kept you sane? Maa
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Kavya
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Narendra Modi (figure)
37. Who did you miss? Dida
38. Who was the best new person you met? Noone
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021? Save Well!
It's been so long that we've not been speaking! On stage.
Not sure about others, but I could definitely feel the change in confidence and comfort on stage, two years later, not in the most positive way. Long way from here. Very long way from here.
Wasn't it just yesterday when you would slowly raise your hand up, pull your small wooden chair, adjust your skirt and say "Miss, may I go to toilet?".
I was thinking off late, why? Why did we ever ask permission for something so basic and what would be the outcome when the alleged 'Miss' would say NO to our toilet request? Why are we conditioned from childhood to request for our basic rights? Of course we grow up, study well, score better than everyone, earn, work more than everyone but at the end, the conditioned upbringing, the conditioned mindset!? Of asking if we should eat, sleep, walk, jump, breathe, go to toilet!
Does it ever leave us? If it ever does, is the world conditioned to accept it? Does anyone's acceptance really matter? Think! Reflect!
Here's hoping we never have to ask anyone before going to toilet ever again. Amen.
While I'm seeing an increase in the number of Jagadhattri pujos this year (or maybe I've been out of Calcutta for way too long), I hope the Bearer Goddess bears girl child in families where they can teach her to have a voice in this world.
Let's start from that. My prayer lists are anyhow, always, endless.
The importance or no importance if it in a world full of influencers and people wanting to document their lives.
A few weeks ago I visited one of my uncle's house where I saw this huge black and white album of old photos where my Pishis looked young and Amma looked like Bouma. Photos of few relatives who are no more, photos of me smiling wide and bald, my sister in objectionable clothes for a 20+ today but perfect for the 2 year old in photo. I was thinking if there were 300 variants of the same photo to choose from, if we would be happier, or just indifferent because, choices and backups.
Then there was this human I knew very close for almost 4 years of college and a year more but I have zero photos with. This is about a time when photos were a norm but sie was always too ashamed (embarrassed?). Ofcourse this human chose to leave. Hindsight I realise it is a good thing, for the lack of photos mean fading memory for me and my generation, mostly.
Then there was this human who would take a million screenshots, probably because sie wasn't as ashamed (embarrassed?). Good thing? Commits for a lifetime of bold memories since I intend to not lose this human? Who are we to ascertain! Petty humans.
But good memories are to be remembered even without photos. My uncle's generation would agree. But the shallow heart wonders, really???
I have been inquisitive about love of all forms and types, ages and phases, much before I even knew what love is. We hardly know what it is today as well, me, you, everyone, everywhere.
Off late I have been wondering of the fear of losing someone as the most potent form of love. Death, breakup, conspiracy, duty, condition, its-not-you-its-me, the reasons are many, many! But the same baseline, fear. And you do, all that you do, to not be afraid. A day old in love or a hundred years, matters very little.
Fear in love means less love or more!? Ever wondered!? To love someone so much that you're afraid to lose them? To be loved so little that you're afraid to lose them? A? B? Both? None? We get to choose? You have a say? You end up being the selfish one anyway, to love, maybe yourself a little as well this time? But then you were supposed to bear and hear. Who changed the game rules?
I guess we will never know what love is. Till then, Fear over Love or Love over Fear? Choose your pick! :)
And it's okay maybe if you're not the Kavya to Dhruv.
There was once a woman who would call me before every exam, all exam and bless me breathless, during a time when free calls didn't exist and her funds weren't enough but motivation was, always.
There was once a woman who I believed had a special connection with God because any worry you tell her to pray for, would be answered. No worries ever, ever!
She took off 7 years ago; blessings and prayers have not been the same, would ever be?!
It's been a little more than 7 years that I have been a corporate slave and still, every day, the fear to lose it all is just the same. Not that I'm a rebel or business minded or artistic or passionate for anything else. Happy being the mediocre that I am. So, fate Gods, no more excitement. I am okay with the bland I have. Please. Period.
Bangalore has always had a love hate relationship with me. It has helped me grow, it has helped me be independent in ways that even Bollywood has not made movies about, it has given me solace in the darkest of nights when Hyderabad was lit in love and wine. Bangalore will forever have a big piece of my heart in yellow๐ and red ♥️ where I wake up when I want, drink when I want and even skip taking bath, whenever I want. Noone stops me from drinking ThumsUp three times in a day, noone rolls their eyes if there is no Rui Machh made or had, for weeks. Bangalore of peoples' dreams, Bangalore of my adulthood!
A city which I could never call home, a city which could never become home. Have to move back to it in almost a month, for a new chapter, a hopeful one, BUT, for a long long time, and this time, maybe forever. Still wondering to be happy or sad about it. Covid and lockdown made me used to home so much that I'd trade RB'r pasher adda over Marathalli in a heartbeat. Mangsho bhaat over Apple Cider, any day!
The last one year at Kolkata was like a stolen aam from last night's storm at school which you know, would eventually be taken off by the Prefects but you hold on to it, as long as you can, smell the tangy perfect aroma till they snatch it away from you. Kolkata, my one true love, I have no idea when would I be capable enough to start living in you again, forever.
Till then, Booze, Brewery, Bangalore. Hollow Happy City, here we go, again.
It was just the other day that I was talking of being the bigger person. Remember how Obhagir shorgo had this piece about the tinge sarcasm fate plays?! WB board had done a brilliant job with the Bangla first language pieces truly!
Coming back about fate sarcasm where you are the reason people don't sleep well at night, where you stop people from doing things they've dreamt for long, where you cannot think beyond your idea of a perfect world and slowly end up in a world that just has you. Can you blame the receiving end? Who am I to tell. Fate smiles and pats its back. Well played! Well danced. You know the drill, must not be so tough afterall.
Even though I found the last season heavily inspired by the Before series, Dhruv and Kavya always end up wanting me to become the bigger person in a relationship, in a non sacrificial way. Ex-es and Present would be doing a left lip smirk. However!
Just in case you thought Maa Durga has all the powers this Durga Pujo, did you just underestimate the power of cab drivers and holud taxi-s, swooshing over your frantic requests with a foshka pora notun juto?
Let the power play begin (for me too, pretty please. Reporting to life, 12days straight out of sick boundaries is not even funny any more. Looking forward to a lucky 13th day of perfect health and Pujo tomorrow. Powers we're talking of here, really)
No photo because I have nothing remotely positive around to talk about Pujo right now. Nonetheless, eternally grateful to the hometeam! To tomorrow!
Public acceptance of Fear to be the greatest of all emotions.
You thought it is love? Well, what is love but fear of losing someone so much that you do all that you can to make every second feel like a lifetime?
These days, borderlining fear of health and missing out on pujo for the first time in many many years, so much so that I am not even allowed to talk about it.
When I left Accenture, I remember the Bollywood I created; cardboard boxes, turning back until the building faded, swipping and reswipping, extended farewells, notes, photos, after parties, saying Bye Bye to everyone I knew (which is a LOT of people given the social butterfly I was, given that Ecospace had 7 BDCs in total!)
Yesterday when I did the last logout from Wells Fargo, the experience was weird. Of course there was a farewell call, farewell cake, farewell gift, friends who wrote sappy, manager who spoke sappy, but the feeling was weird. To say Bye Bye to the first defect raised, first big stage experience, the first confident work, the first owning up, second heartbreak, many flings, million green tea breaks, Aha Andhra Biryanis, crazy hazy parties, growing old, making friends, meeting mentor, trying humour. All of that and more, Online. Also to three pairs of footwear at the pedestal that I didn't know I am losing!
Off for third innings where the leap and risk are higher than ever. Praying to the job Gods for mercy and blessings, again. Pretty Please!
BLR-T2-10f So Long! Thank You!
And as S said "Peene ki capacity, doston ka pyar aur naam ka khauf, kabhi kum nahi hona chahiye".
The journey from being meek and taking the cornermost seat at Stagecoah Bengaluru Toastmasters Club on a Thursday, three years ago, to today, being the Area Director Elect of the same club, and three more clubs, the journey has been breathtakingly beautiful.
Remembering the day when someone announced Jagriti as the Area Director and later as Division Director, I knew it is never too late to dream, when you have the inspiration, so near, dear and clear!
To put your heart, soul, blood and sweat (quite literally) and to get to see your dreams make up a rainbow! Making it sound like a struggle because it came to me after a year of rejection in 2020.
Forever grateful to Alpana and Vivek who helped me look beyond disappointments to strive, in communication, in leadership, in life!
A big emotional post to tell the world I am starting off as the Director for Area C4, hoping to do justice, and ofcourse, to Roar and Soar, with C4!
Big thank you Toastmasters District Ninety Two and Sunil for truly being the wind beneath my wings!
Cheers to a new beginning of Servant Leadership and Volunteering :)
How beautiful and comforting are old songs. Especially these days when the skies are more grey than blue. Anxiety, restlessness, fear! Of tomorrow, of dying, of losing, of jinxing, of not being enough, not doing enough, not having enough. Blame it on the rains? The gloom, the pessimism. Or maybe it's just me. Tired of praying, worrying and Googling. Anxiety, restlessness, fear!
เฅिंเคฆเคी เคงूเคช เคคुเคฎ เคเคจा เคธाเคฏा!
Sunday, June 6, 2021
Baho Manorathe Sacho Abhisare Pehlu
Sunil Bes Kaajra Nayane Saagaje Bayane Kusume
Sajanun Kes Sakhi Hum Mohana Abhisari Jau Bolo Hum Etat Sukh Kaha Paau
Have been cranky all day, all night and I suspect
would be all day tomorrow.
Have researched Rituparno Ghosh all day for a TMOD role tomorrow and looped
over songs. Rituparno Ghosh has been my all-time favorite Dukkhobolashi where he
breaks our heart to a million pieces with a pink hammer, really!
Jamunar Paare Gahana Aadhare Ghanar
Pavan Majhe Piya Se Tha Mor Bedana Patar Mohe Laage
Baithe Aache
I have pondered
so much over the fact that so much of his work has stark tinge of Brajabuli. So
much of his writings are from the perspective of Radha, so much of his words
are of loneliness, biroho. When he said “Akele hum Nadiya kinare”, when he said
“Mathuranagarpati kahe tum Gokul Jao”, when he said,
Shyaam! How once Radhe Radhe Shyam Milade
ruled my world too. When I prayed and wished and hoped and waited. And waited endlessly.
The story of eventually, literally, meeting Shyam and how it is something I do
not wish to jinx somehow. Touchwood.
Sakhi Chir Abhagini Hum Krishna Kaajare Pighala Sajare Nayaner
Neer Dhare E Kathin Patha Brutha Manoratha Biphal
Abhi Saari Sakhi Hum Kabahun Na Abhisari Jau Dukha Laaj Etat Seh Nahin Paau
The song totally breaks my heart when she
calls herself “Chir-a Abhagini”. The tale of endlessly waiting. When the heart
knows the wait is forever. I wish I had not watched Chintrangada first time
when I was in college and naรฏve. I did not understand the perspective then; of
pain, loss, acceptance, peace. I do today? I cannot tell! I try do.
